Genesis 32:24-26 ~ And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him. And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.
I read this passage over a week ago and it's still in the forefront of my mind. My walk with Jesus has been less than even adequate over the past few weeks. I have missed the sweet intimacy I have experienced in times past with my Savior. I hate the feeling of my soul being parched, of being dull and lifeless. Yeah, I'm doing all the standard 'stuff'...reading, praying, ministering to others. Nothing. Flat.
Could it be that my Savior, the Alpha and Omega, the Creator of all, is wanting me to want the blessing a little more than I do? I'll admit that I am one who gravitates to that which is easy for me. Spiritual depth and complete surrender isn't. It takes work. It takes more than an obligatory 30 minutes of "me and God" time each morning...not to say that quiet time isn't important...I just can't imagine He wants me there out of duty. No, I know He doesn't. He wants me as excited to be with Him as I am with the others that I love in my life. He wants to show me so much more than I can possibly imagine. The problem falls squarely on my shoulders. I'm not doing my part and I know it. My Heavenly Father is the consummate gentleman. He gently draws me to Himself, but will not force the issue.
My pastor gave a wonderful message yesterday that I would have sworn was given just for me (don't you love when God does that??!!). (my, from memory, paraphrase of Pastor M's message follows...) He talked about God knocking on the door and our choice to open it. He also talked about God not giving us more if we aren't stepping up to the responsibilities He's already entrusted us with...one of those being in intimate fellowship with Him. This resonated with me. I have wanted the sweetness of a good relationship but haven't been willing to work hard to have it. My friendship with the Lord is like any other...it takes time together, listening to His heart, sharing my heart, adjusting to the changes I need to make to make the connection stronger, to be vulnerable. I haven't been willing to wrestle with my attitude and poor effort. I haven't been willing to seek and search a little deeper and longer. Lord, I am sorry. You deserve so much better. I want You more than my way of being in this relationship. Let me be like Jacob and not let go until You bless me with knowing You better with each passing moment.
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