The Quiet Rebellion

I got a speeding ticket last week. It was a long time in coming as I have been pushing the limits as evidenced by the several times over the past few months that I've had officers flash their lights in an attempt to get me to slow down, which I would do for the remainder of my drive to work, only to speed the next time I was on the open road. Well, the law finally caught up with me and I got caught doing 72 in a 55. Honestly, I was going faster, but that's what he clocked me at. After giving me my ticket, I was overcome by this deep desire to spin out and go from 0-70 just as fast as I could. I didn't do it, purely because I'm cheap and I didn't want to get another ticket as well as I get caught up in the good girl syndrome. But, if I thought that the cop would have laughed and not given me a ticket, would I have?

I've been thinking a lot about my response to that question this week, and as God does, He's opened up a larger issue than a simple response to the question. It's my heart attitude. Even though I didn't do what I wanted to, there was a quiet rebellion to authority going on in my heart. Even though I admitted to the officer that I was in the wrong and I smiled kindly when he handed the ticket to me, and then properly signaled when I pulled out and slowly accelerated up to 55 MPH, in my heart there was another attitude running amok. I was wanting to show him what I thought of his authority. I wanted to be in his face, spitting gravel on the hood of his car and showing him that I can do what I want to. The saddest part to this whole revelation is that this is a portrait of Carla's life. Oh, the outside looks like the compliant woman, mostly doing the right thing to be thought well of, to be seen as a good Christian...all the while knowing that if people saw what was going on in the depths of my heart they would be questioning whether I truly know who Jesus is by my consistent rebellion. Rebellion to the authorities that He has placed in my life, to what I know that his Word calls me to do, to the bidding of The Spirit. I've realized I don't want to be that kind of person anymore. I want my heart attitude to consistently match my action. For me not to merely say the words "I will comply", but to have the heart match. I know that for that to happen, there will have to be much more brokenness that will take place over even the small things that I've shrugged off as not big enough to have to worry about getting right with God. The quiet rebellion must end.

Proverbs 23:7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...