To say I've been distracted lately would be an understatement. I feel like it's been months of working hard at being able to string thoughts together. Overwhelmed doesn't define this battle. This morning was some more of the same. I was puttering around gather items, having another hard discussion with the Lord. Not quite whining, but seriously questioning whether I am on the path He wants me on. Is what I am doing truly making a force for eternity or am I just some zealous bible believer with no impact? My quiet time has been so.very.dry. No "aha" moments. No words of encouragement. Nada. It's that dreaded feeling that Jesus and me are just going through the motions of this relationship. I am trying to do what He asks... pray, read, love Him, study His word, and seriously, I am trying to just be still and be with HIM...yet, I wrestle. All the while I was doing this inner commentary, my roomie was sharing something from her quiet time about faith. I was listening with my brain, but not my heart.
As I schlepped my overburdened bags to the car, I was dredging up one more thing I could do to turn this stale season into an oasis of encouragement. So, I decided to listen to a message entitled "Doubt". I was fumbling with my phone to get the message started, not at all paying attention to what was directly in front of me. As I am driving down the road half listening to the sermon, not quite half way into my drive, I notice the gas light is on. I glance at my range which tells me I have about 17 miles left in the tank. Now, this isn't a precise method of appraising the gas levels, but it's better than the gas gauge. At that point, I have a decision to make... do I turn around and go back for gas or do I continue on towards work? Do I go backwards or keep moving forward? Neither way promises that I will make it to the gas station. I then do the only thing I know to do... I ask God to get me to the gas station in Aledo. Now, I believe that God can do anything. Period. Not a doubt... but my issues come with this question, "Will He do that for me?" I don't know exactly why I fight that question with every.stinking.prayer. but I do. I can pray with great fervor and belief that He is going to work in the lives of those around me, but I without fail, doubt He will do it for me. No, I don't doubt He will save me. It's the dailies that beat me up.
Well, the range reads 17 and I keep moving forward... two miles later range reads 10 as I turn onto the highway. I am almost resigned that I will be calling someone from work to bring me gas along the route. Get about 4 miles from my destination and I am reading 0 miles on the range. At this point, I start praying truths... that He is a God who performed miracles, so gas in my tank to get me to Casey's is no big issue for Him. Then this truth rolls out... He loves me and provides so much for me. I know, regardless of the outcome, He will provide. The results of this, albeit minor issue, will be ultimately used for His glory. As I glide into the gas station, I have zero doubt about one thing... I am loved by my Holy Father. He used this situation again to teach His girl that in my distracted, human failing, He's got my back. He taught me that as I combat doubt, He is lovingly and patiently working on my behalf to build my faith and trust in Him. He taught me even in parched times when our relationship seems distant, He is constant. He reminded me that it's o.k. to wrestle and it's when I quit trying to understand is when there will be deep problems. Yep, all of this learning because of an empty tank of gas. He's pretty cool that way.
As I got into my car from filling up, Sherri's words came to mind about faith. She had shared about "faith exhorting faith to wait patiently on the sure yet unseen". That's exactly what this morning was... Jesus was exhorting my faith to wait patiently on the certainty of His word and eternity. That these present doubts, failings, sacrifices (which pale in comparison to His sacrifice!), and hard choices will produce fruit that may only be seen in the forever.
Abba, Father... this glory is all yours! I love you!!
Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
