Forgiveness

I do not believe there was any accident that my quiet time fell on Psalm 86 today.  It was a fresh reminder of His forgiveness and mercy…something that has been a huge part of my 2012.  In verse 5 I found yet another promise of just how precious this gift is:  “For thou, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee.” 

I like my relationships to be like pretty packages, all wrapped up neatly and tied with a pretty bow.  But, the reality is that they just are not going to be that way most of the time.  They are messy.  They can be difficult.  They can take us to limits we never experienced before, both good and bad.  We were created for them, especially to be in one with our Creator.  Yet, sin, in all of its ugliness, often keeps us from experiencing them at their  best , hence why forgiveness is so necessary.  So what have I learned about it this year?  Some of this may be obvious, but there are times I so need to be reminded of the obvious.

 Forgiving , forgetting… or not:  Most of us know that try as we might, there are just some things we can’t forget.  We were created that way.  So, how do we forgive and move forward?  I had two situations this past year that the Lord used to give me some insight into how this works.  The first was a sweet reconciliation with an individual that I had literally had been battling for awhile on various issues.  I will say that most of the blame fell on me.  I was rebellious and can now see that they truly were caring for my soul (funny how time and prayer gives perspective!).  If you would have asked me this time last year about the disagreements we had, I could have (and shamefully did!) spouted off verbatim the words that were exchanged.  I knew the conversations by heart.  I realized mid-winter that the Lord really wanted to use our talents together to bring Him glory.  I started praying, beautiful conversations occurred between us, and as only the Lord can do, hearts were mending.  The true victory came one day in the spring after some discussion we engaged in that I realized I couldn’t remember the details of the conversations that had embittered me so deeply.  I had truly forgiven and forgotten.  It occurs to me now that there were two parts to that happening:  I had quit feeding the monster of bitterness and the Lord had blessed me with memory loss! I know of myself,  that NEVER would have happened.  He is so faithful!

I do believe there are times when we will forgive, but we are not allowed to forget because He wants us to remember.  The Old Testament is peppered with story after story about the Lord telling Israel to remember things from their past in an effort to keep them from repeating the same mistakes again.  So it was with me and the second situation I went through this year.  I’d had a couple of relationships that didn’t end up as wonderful as the first one described.  I found myself having to forgive and be forgiven of hurt without reconciliation or change…which is like torture to someone who wants the pretty packages.  Trust me when I say, I’d love for these to end up like the first, but I know they won’t at least for now.  You see what I learned is that I need to remember the lesson because unhealthy relationships caused me to stumble in my walk with Jesus.  They didn’t nourish my soul, nor encourage me to be more Christ-like.  Going back would be like Israel returning to their enslavement to Egypt. Not bad people involved, just relationships that aren't healthy for me right now.  Let me be clear that the responsibility falls on me for allowing that to happen to me and that acknowledgement helps me from allowing bitterness to take root. That brings me to the best lesson on forgiveness that I have learned:

Forgiving me:  This one came hard.  I can be harder on myself than anyone else.  I have had some nasty words said to and about me, but none have done the damage to me like the words I say to myself.  I have tried to make wise choices for my life, and when I fail on occasion, I will berate myself in a way I would NEVER speak to another soul.  One day, that still small voice said, “Carla, how would you counsel any other woman in this situation?”  I knew deep in my heart I would tell them to move forward, forgive themselves for the mistake of not heeding wise counsel, and let the Lord use it to bring Him glory somehow.  That was the day I allowed Him to give me the gift of forgiving myself.

The reasons I share this is to give hope and encouragement.  So many have told me of struggles with this issue.  We harbor bitterness that keeps us from being all that we were intended to be.  That bitterness did nothing but hurt me. …and did not bring glory to the Lord in any way. Is that where you are right now? Quit feeding the monster!  Or maybe you are beating yourself up for failing.  Please do not waste one more second doing this…go to Him, confess, and He will heal. Let forgiveness be the best gift you get or give this season.

 

Bidding Adieu to 2012

If I could sum 2012 up in one word it would be transition.  This year seems to have been peppered with various transitions of one kind or another.  Some have been difficult, and others have been a delightful blessing.  In all of them, I have seen My Savior in ways that I have never experienced Him before.  2012 was one of the best years of my life in many ways.

* Ministry ~  This year I jumped into a new realm that I never envisioned myself doing ~ women's ministry.  I always thought I'd some how support college ministry and be involved with that age group.  Truth is, I was hiding behind what I'd always known.  My pastor even called me out on it...oh, how I have come to appreciate that man's influence in my life!  It started with helping plan the 2012 retreat, which was so much fun.  I got to work with some incredible women in putting that together and I believe others were blessed by the team effort. I have also become more involved with the Brazil prayer team and love it!  Not only has it drawn me closer to our missionaries there, it's drawn me closer to those I pray with each month. The Lord also blessed me with the opportunity to share Christ with a new attendee at our church...and she came to know Him.  Now, Tammy is a dear friend and sister in Christ and we share so much in our discipleship time.  It seriously just doesn't get better than influencing others to know and grow in Jesus....and the influence is reciprocal.  A second joy to that experience was the two of us praying for Tammy's husband's salvation, and in November, Mike let Christ into his life.  I can hardly wait to see what Jesus does in their lives!!

*School ~  The new adventure for 2012.  Well, new and old.  I have continued taking classes through the Maple City Baptist Bible Institute.  I will complete this three year training in March of 2013.  Honestly, when I started, it was to take a counseling class and be done with it.  But as He often does, my path was changed once I started.  This experience has given me so many tools to use in studying the Word of God.  My walk with Him has deepened.  My ability to counsel others with the Word has improved exponentially.  All of the credit goes to the Holy Spirit because without Him, no amount of study would reveal the heart knowledge I've gained.  The newest adventure is my return to collegiate study.  I started my Master's program in Biblical Counseling with Liberty University.  I took one class this year and will start up again in April.  It was intense, scary and so rewarding all at the same time.  I was able to use what I have learned at Bible Institute over and over again. 

*Travel ~  I got to cross off another 'bucket list' location this year...Alaska.  I knew when I flew over Alaska in 2005 on my way to the Philippines that I wanted to visit there some day.  That day came in mid July when three of my traveling compatriots and I set sail on Disney Cruise.  Alaska was everything I thought it would be and more.  The scenery and way of life is so different than in the lower 48.  Again, I was awed by the Creator and His creation...bear, eagles, mountains, fjords, glaciers, seals, snow.  I took a morning to myself and ambled along the streets of Ketchikan, meeting fascinating people, listening to their stories, and wanting to spend more time in their quaint town!  Also enjoyed a very brief visit to Victoria, British Columbia...another  must return city.  My favorite was the glacier at Tracy Arm.  It was as beautiful to me as the coral blue waters of the Caribbean!

* Read ~  Honestly, I seemed to have little time to read for fun.  Best book this year was one by Andy Stanley called Louder Than Words: The Power of Uncompromised Living. Excellent read on character development.  Favorite Bible read was Proverbs.  I spent the entire summer reading and rereading it, getting something new each time.

* UGH ~ I was so right on my 2011 prediction that I would hate the political scene of 2012, but I never realized just how awful it would be!!  I was so very sick of all of the chatter on the television and facebook that I took a break from both for awhile.  I used to be interested in politics, but it seems that I have lost every bit of interest in it.  Don't know if that is because I am maturing and realizing that they all lie,  or if it's because the Lord has taken me to a different place that I now understand that He is truly in charge and my job is to pray for our leaders.  Yes, I do exercise my right to vote, but I find it completely useless to get into vain conversations about it all.

* Battles ~ Yep, had a few of those this year.  Took a stance on First Amendment rights and marriage only to lose a fb friend over it. Sometimes that happens.  The world's view is not biblical and well, I really want to be a bible gal! Most of the battles were of a spiritual nature and refined, grew, and deepened my faith and character.

* Forgiveness ~ Yet again, I found myself dealing with this most wonderful and precious gift on a multitude of levels and occasions in 2012.  The details of this one will have to wait for a blog on another day....

* Blessings ~ So many, but almost every one of them involved people.  Relationships are where it's at for me.  New ones that feel like we've been close for years, old ones that have grown deeper when I didn't think that was even possible, renewed ones that bring a smile to my heart, some that have grown a bit distant for what I hope is for a short time, and sadly, some that have died on the vine.  Interestingly, none that remained static...but I think that's the true nature of having good, soul nourishing relationships in my life.  I am abundantly blessed where this is concerned.

2013...the year of my jubilee...yep, turning 50 this year.  While it's just a number, it's also a challenge to live my life in a very different way for the remaining years I have on this earth than I did the previous 50.  I am looking very forward to that challenge and seeing where the Lord will take me.  I sense it will be the most fulfilling and joy filled time of my life.  I love how He has changed me in the past year, and I anticipate more changes coming.  Now...that's really living!


Philippians 3:13-14~ Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,  I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Playing checkers with a chicken...

I have had the most delightful holiday season this year!  Trust me, that's saying something because normally, I am not a big fan.  I think the main reason for good cheer this year is because I have tried not to buy into the whole craziness that has become Christmas in America ~ decorating, baking, shopping, parties, more shopping...you get the picture.  I am not saying that these things are wrong, but I know they are wrong for me because I go way out of bounds with them.  So, I decided to try temperance and what do you know, God, as always, is right!  One of the main things I wanted to do was spend time with those I love.  The past week and this week will be devoted to just being with those people and I am loving it so far!  One of those special people gave me a very good laugh and a very sweet God moment of lessons in which I needed a refresher.

If you've read previous blogs or read my fb page, you know that I have a nephew and two nieces that have my heart.  On Christmas Eve, I got to spend a little bit of one on one time with The Nephew.  Logan is so many things that I wish I were...hilariously funny, a sweet heart towards others, loving abundantly, incredible musical talent, just to name a few.  Lesson one of the day came when he agreed to help me do some baking.  He was wanting some of my pecan bars, so I told him that I would teach him how to make them.  As we were measuring and mixing ingredients and he got to have control over the hand mixer, we chatted about giving gifts to others.  He proceeded to tell me about exchanging gifts with a kid in his class of which others aren't particularly fond.  He said, "I know others don't like him, but I do."  At that moment, my heart was pierced.  Here was an 11 year old reaching out to what the world cast down...like Jesus.  I was convicted because I know my heart, and subsequently, my actions don't reflect that kind of character nearly enough.  In fact, I rather suck at it. Ouch.  Out of the mouth of babes...

Lesson two came as we were driving to a family party.  As is our normal course of conversation, it leans towards the most random, and the topic du jour was about dreams.  We started talking about the funniest dreams we have ever had and Logan regaled me with one about him playing checkers with a chicken.  I will not do the story justice by retelling it, but the funniest part was the incredulous look on Logan's face when he told me that not only did he play checkers with a chicken, but the chicken beat him!  We laughed so hard!  After that, he shared his most frightening dream.  He told me that after he had it, he decided to pray every night.  It was his next words, spoken so matter of factly, that again, convicted.  He said, "And I know God will keep answering because He already has."  That child-like faith.  So beautiful.  So necessary.

Why is it sometimes so difficult as an adult to just believe that the Lord is going to do what He says he is going to do?  Why do I struggle with believing that He hears me, loves me, wants to answer my prayers?  Why do I have confidence that He will do for others, but not for me?  When did I lose that child like awe and love for my Savior?  I know God will keep answering because He already has....

Those questions make me rethink my prayers for Logan.  Time to increase the petitions for Logan's on going sanctification.  I will pray he consistently revels in his relationship with Jesus.  I will pray that the talents and gifts he possess will be used to reach the world for Jesus.  I will pray that he never loses that child-like faith.  I will pray that when the world sees Logan Ewing, they will see Jesus in the flesh.

Jesus, you are my all in all.  I am so grateful for the lessons you teach me through Logan, Rileigh, and Olivia.  Thank you for the best Christmas gift...your grace and mercy.  I love you!