Saying no

Psalm 31:22-24

²² I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.” But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy
    when I cried to you for help.

²³ Love the Lord, all you his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful  but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.
²⁴  Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!

Those verses have spoken to the deepest depths of my heart today.  In fact, I can honestly say that they are a direct reflection of a period that the Lord has lead me through in the past 6-8 months.  Life has not been easy, but it has been richer than in any other period of time.

²² I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.”But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help.

This verse was my mantra starting in October of 2011, yet I didn't realize it then.  It was during that time that Jesus was calling me to start the journey of saying no.... hardcore.  Again, I didn't realize this at the time...I was just a frazzled mess in virtually all areas of my life. I knew things were not working doing it on my own, so in my panic and alarm, I was screaming out to God.  I couldn't see Him.  Now, I know because of the Word that He is always there, so I had to do some deep soul searching.  I knew deep down that doing life my way was what was blocking my vision.  (will I ever fully get past this???!!) So I surrendered. Yet again.  He heard.  Then He asked me to say no in the first area ~ my finances.  I took a very hard look at what was the root of the problem and it was me.  I hate to say no to me...I am talking "I will throw a hissy fit and pout" kind of response to saying no to myself.  Through a financial program and accountability, I started to really experience a freedom in this area unlike I ever have in the past.  

The next area was a bit deeper and hurt a whole lot more...enabling.  I am not sure why, but I have always been a fixer.  I love to resolve issues.  Problem with this is two fold.  First, I am not the Holy Spirit and it's not my job to fix people.  Second, I often lose sight of what the Lord wants me to do for myself because I am too busy "fixing" others.  In my pride, I thought I was 'helping', but when it comes down to it, I was fixing.  This tends to be a big issue with those I love deeply. I hate to say no to them.  I want to protect them from hurting, and in the process, I can get in the Lord's way of growing them. Ouch.  

Like peeling the layers of an onion, He asked me to go further with Him.  The next area was even deeper and the revelation came through the most random of situations.  I was asked to fill in for a friend in discipleship. I was reviewing the lesson and it talked of temperance and how the Lord sees it and rewards it.  My heart was ripe for that lesson because it hit me hard.  I started praying that night for help, telling the Lord that I want to please him in this area of my life. 

So what have I learned from this process that is still ongoing?

²³ Love the Lord, all you his saints!The Lord preserves the faithful

  

I have a deeper love for the Lord than I ever have.  It's like a friendship or marriage that has weathered difficult times ~ it's sweeter as you endure together!  He has literally shielded me from some pretty rough storms over the past four months, and continues to do so even today.  He's preserved me in my faithfulness to be obedient.

    but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.

Make no mistake, I still struggle with pride and He is faithful to remind me of that when I decide to take control again.  I've had some bumps along the way (not sticking to my budget as planned, saying yes to an enabling situation when I clearly should have said no, going rogue on an issue that wasn't mine to commandeer! Thinking, saying, doing what I knew was wrong to do.).  He's faithfully chastised me, disciplined me, and forgiven me.  He also gave me a visual that is burned into my mind and soul of the effects of disobedience in a believer's life.  A while back, I ran into a peer with whom I'd always had a great, respectful relationship.  This person has chosen to willfully walk away from what they know God's word says and do their own thing.  The change in this person devastated my heart.  They walk stooped over, deep crevasses mar the face, a pervasive sadness haunts their features, the usually upbeat conversation that we'd have was replaced by a hollow sadness to their voice and they couldn't look me in the eye.  I was heartbroken when we parted.  I prayed all the way home for the situation and the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart saying, "This is what the effect of pride and sin does to a person, Carla. Our friend is bearing consequences and burdens I never intended for them to bear. My heart is breaking too...keep praying for them!"  Yes, God allows us free choice, but there is a consequence to defying God's word.  Yes, He is faith and just to forgive those who repent, but the effects may be life long. There is no doubt that my friend's life will ever be what it was.  Yet...

²⁴  Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!

Just this week, I am experiencing great fruit to being faithful to the no. I've said no several times over the past months. Sometimes it literally hurt my  heart to do so. For days...weeks..yes, even months!!  But I know He wanted me to.  In the no, my heart found courage.  In the no, my heart was protected from the barbs of the enemy's attack today.  In the no, I am walking towards pleasing Him with my temperance.  In the no, I am  allowing His Spirit to work the miracles and changes that I am praying for in the situations that I can't change or fix.  In the no, I am pleasing my Lord because I am living a life of trusting Him.