Is it I?

This week for our UNiTE reading, we've been finishing up the book of Matthew. I've spent some time just meditating on the death of Jesus and all that surrounded that account in Matthew 26 - 28. What has captured my attention is the response of those around Him...their humanness in a situation that cannot be compared to any other in history... how much I can relate to them.

I read about the disciples during that time. These men had spent an inordinate amount of time with Jesus, yet they still dwelled in the darkness of doubt. When Jesus told that one of them would betray Him, they all questioned, "Lord, is it I?" I think of me at that moment. Like the disciples, I know the doubt, unbelief, lack of faith that lurks in my soul. I too have wondered, "Is it I?" There is no doubt that I would have responded as they did.

Then there was Peter. I love Peter...because I can so easily relate to him. Like the passionate preacher, I too can declare my loyalty and affinity for a man, only to deny him in the next minute. We run high on emotion and low on discernment at times. Oh, we wholeheartedly believe that we will battle til the bitter end, finding the process of the battle wearying and frightening. We often draw the sword haphazardly swinging at anyone in our path, forgetting that He doesn't need us to fight battles for Him. And we weep bitterly, often to the depths of our souls, when we know we've let Him down.

With all of this humanness, I can't help but be overwhelmingly encouraged by one thing ~ the love of our Lord towards us. He knew what was going to happen, yet He still spent His last moments on earth loving without reservation. He still willingly went to that cross to take on my sin, my shame, my disappointing rejection of Him and His plan. He still put Himself in subjection to His Father, knowing that He would transcend to the depths of hell and be momentarily separated from the One with whom He had spent eternity past. It is here that I ask myself two questions... how can anyone reject that depth of love? and What am I doing to share that kind of love with those who don't know Him?

The Other Side

I hate confrontation. Of course, I don't know anyone who really enjoys it. I hate having to humble myself and 'come clean' with bad attitudes or selfish motives. But oh do I love the outcome...the other side.

This past week I had two such incidents ~ one that I initiated and one I didn't. Both involve believers who are very dear to me and bring a depth to my walk that I covet. What I loved about the difficulty of this time spent with both of them was the common bond I find when believers who want to truly please the Lord have when dealing with problems. The ministry of reconciliation. In both instances, all parties involved did what is commanded in James...we were quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. We all really listened to what the other was saying. We respected the convictions the other held. We all realized that being right with the Lord was more important than holding onto any 'rights' we may think is owed us. It was humbling, to say the least. It was tough knowing I had caused heartache in someone that I love. It was hard to shed tears and be vulnerable. Yet, it was beyond worth all of those feelings I felt. My respect for all involved deepened in a way that just would not have happened in any other manner. I got to see one brother hold tight to convictions when I disagreed... and I deeply respect and honor a man who has the courage to stand for what he believes in! Because the Lord allowed us the chance to go through this trying time, my friend probably will never know the depths I will now go to defend his reputation. In the other instance, a brother spoke to me about the distance between his wife and I and how because she was hurt, he was angry. He apologized for his anger towards me, but his leadership in dealing with the situation was the precipitant needed for the two of us women to get right with each other. (p.s. I may be a 1950's woman at heart, but I LOVE the fact that he loves his wife so much that he will do what it takes to help her grow...both in leading by example and wanting to be her protector ~ woohooo!!)

Now sitting on the other side of those scenarios, I see my Awesome Savior's fingerprints all over them... the breaking of wills, the growth in all of us over the years that needed to take place, and the resulting joy of knowing that while difficulties came, we worked through them to bring Him glory. I'm not here to say that this is always the way it works because, if we are honest, we don't always want reconciliation. Sometimes we just want to be right, or we want to wallow in self pity, or we don't want to humble ourselves...the excuses are many but the reason is the same ~ we don't want what God wants.

Thank you, Father, for breaking me, humbling me, and allowing me to see this the way You do. Thank you for amazing brothers and sisters who are like minded and love You more than themselves!

The past

Last week I received an invitation for my college homecoming reunion. One part of the packet was a bio sheet the college asked to be filled out for a 'reunion' booklet. One question had me thinking long and hard....'What is your most memorable college moment". Hmmmm, that was an impossible question for me to answer. I didn't really have any fantastic moments while at this particular college. In fact, I would say the two years I spent there were two of the most difficult years of my life. It was a time rife with rebellion, poor decisions, heartache and utter selfishness. I have absolutely no spiritual fruit to show from that time and a bunch of 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' regrets.

But I don't despair. Nope, while I do wish I had a different story to tell, God is still able to bring beauty out of those ashes. He has given me a love for that age of young people that is passionate and strong. He has given me a purpose in using my abilities, home and ministry opportunities to give them a place of refuge to recharge their spiritual batteries, a respite from the world that assaults them at every front on that campus, ministry events to help them stretch spiritually, or a friend who will listen as they work through the growing pains that comes with independence and decision making.

I am thankful that God doesn't dwell on my past, but can use it to bring Him glory and honor in the present and for all eternity.

Aha Moment

I love 'aha moments' by God. I think because they happen so infrequently and they usually impact my life in a (hopefully)changing way. I had such a moment today...

It actually began last weekend when I was discussing a relationship situation with which I'd been struggling. I was discussing how I was actually relieved that I didn't have to deal with a particular issue, when my friend made a comment that struck me. He said, "You know that when she comes back broken, you will welcome her back and try to help because that's what you do". I immediately became defensive and said I wouldn't, to which he disagreed and pointed out that this is how I normally respond to broken people. As I thought about that conversation this past week, I've come to the conclusion that my defensiveness was a derivative of my desire not to be seen as a weak woman. Somewhere along the path of living in this world, I've ignorantly bought into the lie that in order to be strong, I can't be soft, loving and kind. I've dementedly processed strength in a woman as being in your face, aggressive, man-like. I've wrongly believed that I have to cut relationships off in order to protect myself. Funny thing... I can find none of this in the Word of God. Oh, there are the admonitions to guard your heart, to be wise in choosing your friends, etc. But nothing about taking a 'be done with you' mantra towards people that Jesus loves just as much as He loves me. He calls me to be his hands and feet. He calls me to help restore. He calls me to love others as myself. This came full circle today and the aha moment has come. My grandma was admitted to the nursing home where I used to work yesterday. This was unbelievably difficult for my mom and her sisters to do and Grandma hasn't accepted it too well. Honestly, my grandma and I have had pretty much a non relationship for the past 30 years. We've never been close and much ugliness has went on in the family for many more years than I've been alive. In talking with Mom yesterday, I knew that there was a hope that I would go visit and check on Grandma since I now work in the building next door. I'd decided that I would do it for Mom...not for Grandma. So, I went a bought some candy for her and took it over today. As I bent down to re-introduce myself to her, the overwhelming love that came upon me was almost more than I could take. There sat this frail, confused woman that is a part of who I am. Fortunately, she recognized me and we had a great time reconnecting and laughing with the staff that I've come to love as well. It was at that moment that I realized that while she's not been the warm, loving, giving grandma I'd always wanted, I intend to be the most loving, kind, soft, warm granddaughter to her that I can be. As I walked back to my office, the joy that I felt was amazing. Oh, I wasn't proud of my decision... I was thrilled that the Lord has changed me so much that I can forgive the past and love in the present. So, yes, I am a soft, loving, forgiving woman... and that's what I intend to become even better at! Thanks, Jesus, for the 'aha moment'!