Fasting

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
Today I write after a week's absence of being quiet. I had decided through much prayer and encouragement of the Holy Spirit to partake in a biblical fast last week. I've yet to process all of the spiritual implications of the fast and I probably won't discuss them via blog as it was an intensely personal (my friends are welcome to ask!). It was truly the paradox of bittersweet... bitterness at the circumstances and firestorms that I, with Christ, had to endure and walk thru...sweetness at the depth of peace I felt during the whole thing. I did question,at the time, why He called me to do this last week, considering all that went down, but now on this side of it, I know His timing is perfect.

One thing I will share is that my Lord is the conqueror of fear. I fought doing the fast because I feared failing at it. I knew that I am a food addict and to give it up would set me up to probably fail. And in my own power, that would have happened. I will tell you... He is faithful and will supply all your needs when He calls you to a task, ministry, or whatever. I was able to complete the 5 days without any food (juice and water only). I'm excited that once and for all, I KNOW my God is bigger than my weakness. Oh, food is still a struggle for me and no doubt will be for the rest of my life because of various and asundry issues related to it...but it's not the stronghold it once was. I've learned that there are two actions to the above verse... I can do...which means I have to make an effort...and through Christ...which means He has to be a part of it. I would caution anyone looking to do a fast from anything to make certain that He is directing it, otherwise it's just deprivation for no biblical reason. Seek counsel from a godly source before starting if you are unsure. If you are a young person, do NOT do this without your parent's permission. Lastly, while doing it, don't tell anyone that isn't necessary. Those you live with will obviously know, but this is a deeply personal experience...allow it to be!

Hugs ~

Never Forsaken

Mark 15:34 And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? which is, being interpreted, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?

Last night in the college group, we were discussing our purpose in life. I have to admit that while I know it's to bring Him glory, I'm still working on how that looks in my daily life. In the process of the conversation, we talked about how lonely it can be to stand for the Lord. It got me to thinking about the feeling of being forsaken.

I've never felt that I was forsaken a day in my life. I've always been blessed by having good parents who cared about my well-being, good friends who come along side to encourage me, and a Lord who loves me indescribably. Yes, there are times of acute loneliness, even being in the middle of many people. Times when I don't think there is another person on the planet who understands me or my situation. Times when I truly don't want to do this walk even one more day. As I shared with the students, we must accept the fact that there will be loneliness and times of being alone. But for those who have trusted Christ, there will never be a moment of being forsaken. When I read the above verse today, I have a bittersweet reaction to it. I think what it must have been like for Jesus to experience that total ripping apart from the Father he'd known for eternity past. How suffocating the total aloneness would have been. How He had to know that He would be rejected by many. He'd never been separated from Abba Father.... and He did it because of me. Because of my sin. Because of my separation. And the sad thing, the very fact that until He opened my eyes to my need, I didn't even realize I was apart from God. I am humbled that He did that for me, ever so grateful, and loving Him even more. Thank you, Jesus.

The Adventure of Him

Strife: angry contention, rivalry

Boy, that can be me. Not a very attractive trait, I admit. I don't get why I have to be contentious at all. Why can't I just go with the flow instead of making an issue? Why do I make anything a rivalry instead of looking for camaraderie?

But, I've witnessed victory this week. It all started with the Third Day Concert. There was a point when the lead singer, Mac Powell, lead a time of worship between the songs 'Cry out to Jesus' and 'Revelation' that I knew God was there with me at that moment. It's hard to explain, but it seems I'd been strife filled and manipulating against God and others for quite some time and at that moment, everything fell into place when I let go. It was freeing. Instead of the passion of being fired up about controlling situations, I was, to the core of my being, excited about a future that is unknown by me, but certainly known by my Lord. It was saying no to the sameness of me and saying yes to the adventure of Him. Funny thing...God wasn't done teaching me that lesson... He did the same thing when I spoke at UNiTE and during a talk with a friend. Both had their moments of me striving against it, fighting doing what I know God wanted from me, but in the end, I said yes to the adventure of the unknown by me. And did God bless me. He gave me such peace in both situations ~ joy in teaching and studying for UNiTE and deepening my level of respect for my friend. I'm thinking I'm going to like not striving....

Proverbs 20:3
It is an honour for a man to cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling.

A change is brewing....

I'm beat... but it's a good kind of tired today. The kind that comes after working hard at something coupled with the high of a great accomplishment, then the natural return to the ordinary. What makes it awesome is that it was work that the Lord wanted me to do.

Last night, I gave the message at our youth meeting. I taught on the life of Mary finding the study and delivery of God's word has bubbled a change in me unlike anything I've experienced. I'm hooked... I want to know and teach His Word to women. Last night, looking in the eyes those young women in the audience, any doubts of where I belong in ministry was erased. Those girls need examples of women living their lives for the Lord...and not just the married moms. I admit that I have been battling that lie from the enemy far too long. Somewhere in my twisted thinking, I have come to believe that if I don't fit the social norm of a church, I'm not worthwhile. Now, let me be completely clear... through NO fault of any person at church has this occurred. I've allowed the shallow thinking of a very select few from my distant past affect my level of commitment because I believed I didn't fit. It's MY problem. It's time to move past that. I've allowed that ignorant fallacy to hold me back from being all that He has made me to be. Who I am is who He made me. I embrace that. I am unique, fearfully and wonderfully made... and I want those young women, sitting in those pews, believing the lies of the world that they are nothing to embrace who God made them to be. I want them to know that they can serve the Lord in ways they never dreamed possible...missionaries, teachers, leaders, evangelists...God can and will use them ~ single or married. I want to be a catalyst in women's lives to help them live to serve Him. I want live what I believe.... sold out. I want to stand on the truth of the Word, able to say hard words through the covering of grace and mercy. I want my world to know about the Savior.

I so want to be like Jesus.

Luke 1:37-38
For with God nothing shall be impossible. And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word.

Caution: Orange Barrel Ahead

Last night was a fun night for me. I got to go see one of my favorite bands, Third Day, perform along with two other acts. It was music bliss for me. However, my moment of music nirvana was almost erased by what occurred on my way to the concert.

There were two car loads of us heading up for the concert, men in the van ahead of my vehicle full of women. I was enjoying the conversation and trying to keep pace with Andy so that we could all go into the concert together. As we were approaching the city, there was much construction going on, with ramps merging, exits closing, and hundreds of those orange barrels warning drivers of changes. With eyes fixed on the van, I'm keeping close... too close. At the last second, Andy whips the van into the left lane. I try to follow suit only to see the striped orange barrel in my way like a linebacker planted on the line not ready to let anyone pass. To over correct would have been disasterous, so I did the only thing I could... I clipped that puppy at 50 MPH. Yep, hit it, knocking my mirror into the passenger window and scaring everyone in the car. As we recovered, I witness the heads of several men in the van snapping around to see what happened. Instantly, I was embarrassed because I figured they were going to give me MUCH grief about my driving. However, I knew that I was following too close and not paying attention to the cautions that rose up all around me. I knew that hitting that barrel wasn't Andy's fault, but mine.

This incident got me to thinking about the dangers of following another person too closely in life. Just as I had my eyes fixed on following Andy, all too often in life I have found myself with my eyes on another person to lead me, instead of having my eyes fixed on the Lord. I've followed a pastor too close, placing unrealistic expectations on a mere man, only to be sorely disappointed when he didn't live up to the level that I felt he should. I've followed a boss too close, placing my life in someone's hands that didn't have God anywhere in his vision. I've wrongly followed a few men over the years that I thought would be that leader in my life, only to find that he didn't know where he was going either. Looking back, each of those scenarios had tons of warnings and orange barrels scattered around them, warning me to be cautious and wise. Yet, I've clipped one too many barrels in those situations, putting dings and dents in my armor, all because I took my eyes off the True Leader.

It also made me think about my role as a leader/mentor in others lives. Because of Jesus being who He is in my life, my mind was functioning correctly and got ahold of my mouth and I was able to admit my mistake to the women in my car and not blame Andy. This was a priceless teachable moment to Princess S sitting in the back seat. She witnessed an adult owning up to being wrong to others. (Of course, being the 15 year old expert driver, she did point out the fact that I wasn't following the 2 second rule... then I had to humble my self again and admit I didn't have a clue about the 2 second rule... but I digress....) I've also thought about the others in my life who may be following me a little too closely. I want to be a good example with my life, but I want that example to always point them to Jesus. That's where any success in my life lies... in who He is in me. Oh Father, help me to never allow anyone to think I have it all together, of my own ability.

Now the rest of the story... as we drove the remaining blocks to the concert, I will admit that I threatened to hit whichever guy was first to comment (hey, I told you I don't have it together!) only to be humbled by the fact that they really didn't (ok, they either got it all out of their systems before they got out of the van, or I need to seriously give my brothers more credit!!) and we got a good chuckle out of the whole event. Surprisingly, there was NO damage to my car, but God gave me a great lesson in the process.

I Peter 2:21
For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps

Things I just don't get....

Last night a group of us were talking about things we just don't get from God's Word and how difficult it can be to discern what it means and how it applies. We laughed that some things will just have to wait until Heaven. I've been playing around with this idea of things I just don't get and I decided to pen it for fun. So, in no particular ranking of how much it confuses me, is a list of things that perplex me. Some serious, some silly... but hopefully thought provoking and entertaining....

~ I don't get why some people must have chronic drama in their lives. They seem to thrive on their life being in constant turmoil, and when there isn't, they make a wacko decision that even a 6 year old could tell wasn't a wise choice, just so they have some more drama.

~ I don't get why the guy in the dual exhaust jacked up truck had to go from zero to 40 between placing his order and the payment window at McDonald's this morning. Just what was he trying to prove? And to whom..the fry girl? Perhaps it was a testosterone issue....

~ I don't get why I spend time looking at what separates me from people instead of what commonly bonds us. I feel like I have been faultily wired to figure out how I am different from folks instead of what we have in common. Maybe pride....

~ I don't get why people have faith that politicians are here to save the day. We expect a group of folks who may or may not have had any experience in the real world to fix our problems? Come on. I can tell you first hand that more help from the government will automatically mean more oversight and involvement, which translates to less freedom and innovation. And we know how we Americans deal with being told what to do and how it must be done.... I, for one, do not wish to have my life directed by some fat cat on Capitol Hill or in Springfield. Ok...enuf with the politics...

~ I don't get why the IDOT truck ran over the HUGE dead skunk in the road instead of stopping and removing it so others didn't hit it this morning. Seriously, the dude couldn't have missed it... it was the size of a small dog! Isn't that part of what the thousands of tax dollars I pay go for? Or could it be like a few of the people in past places I've worked that would walk by a paper on the floor and not pick it up because it was someone else's job?

~ I don't get why I can take a negative comment directed towards me and believe it to be gospel, but I virtually ignore or brush off a compliment. Balance will always be that one area that will elude me....

~ I don't get why I spend so much time focusing on the lies of the enemy that I am worthless instead of the truth of the Word that I am priceless. My Savior paid an unimaginable price for me and the fact that I spend even one millisecond doubting my worth is unacceptable.

~ I don't get people who think life owes them. People who don't believe you have to work for what you want, but rather it should be handed to them. Guess I was raised believing that anything worth having is worth working for....and I believe it to be true.

~ I don't get rebels without a cause. People who break rules just because they can baffle me. What's the point? Do they think it makes them look cool, because frankly, they look like idiots. God gives us intelligence and discernment...we should use it.

~ I don't get the duck-billed platypus. Wonder what God was thinking on that one? Wonder why Adam named it that? Are there other non duck billed platypuses in the world? Are you googling to find out? Maybe He just wanted to give me a laugh...

Slow Fade

I've been thinking a lot about character lately. It's amped up in the last few days as I got news of a former school acquaintance being arrested for embezzlement. These are people I have known, while not closely, for many years. We all went to school together. I went to their wedding. This only happens to other people on news shows in other communities.

I keep asking myself, "How could this happen?". If the allegations are accurate, did he not think there are consequences to his actions? Did he not think about his future, not to mention their kids? Did he not think he'd get caught? Then I picture him sitting in a jail cell, or his living room if he's out on bail, with his head in his hands asking that very question, "How did this happen?". My heart melts with empathy. No, not because I've done the exact thing he has... but because I've experienced the 'how did this happen' in my own life.

In what probably seemed like 'overnight', his life went from good to bad. Mine did too. But on further examination, it turns out that the small decisions I make on a daily basis impact the big picture of my life. Many of the areas where I experience problems did not happen in a 24 hour period, but rather are the culmination of days, months, even years of poor decisions and compromises. That slight compromise seems to go by without any repercussion, leading to a larger step in the wrong direction, which leads to the spiral downward. So, yes, I can all to readily understand where it starts, which humbles me to cast prayers upward instead of condemnation outward. It also drives me to cling to the admonition in I Cor. 10:12 ~ Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.

My favorite lyricist in contemporary Christian music is Mark Hall from Casting Crowns. To me, he seems to be able to drill down to the heart of a matter, beautifully blending grace and mercy on the backdrop of God's holiness. Below is one of my favorites:

Slow Fade
Mark Hall

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

Turns

One of the young women I mentor, Princess S, recently turned 15 which brought about a significant occasion in her life ~ getting her driving permit. She has been talking excitedly of all the time she will spend driving once she gets it. That day came last week and I got the call this weekend with the question, "You want to go driving today?". So, we embarked on a little road trip, which grew into driving on back roads around our little town, practicing parking and backing up in an almost vacant lot, up to a 12 mile drive on an older highway to the next town down the road. The one area I noticed she had the biggest issue with was turns. Sometimes, she'd turn the car quickly and make a big sweeping turn that required a lot of correction to get back in her own lane, other times, she'd cut it quick and almost take a header in the ditch because she was too close. But when she would slow down and take her time, her turns were perfect. Smooth.

This made me think about my relationship with her. We've had a mentoring relationship for the past 5+ years. In the beginning, it was like driving on those back roads... I had no idea how to mentor a 10 year old. We just spent a lot of time getting to know each other by wandering around activities like movies, shopping, crafts. She would chatter on about things in her life, and I would listen and try to give counsel, but being careful not to overdo it. I was constantly parking and backing up, just trying to get the hang of how to share life with a young person. As she progressed into her teens, that's when the turns came into play. I can remember a few occasions when I'd make a fast, sweeping turn only to have to really correct ~either by prayer,apology or both!~ to get us back between the lines. Sometimes it was the quick turns either of us would make that would send us careening for the ditch. In those cases, for me it has always been the fear of failure. The fear of letting her too close and then somehow really screwing her up. It was those times that the Lord and my best friend would remind me that God has my back, take my time, go slowly. It will smooth out. And it has ~

This weekend, during one of our typical talks, she was sharing some struggles in her life...some normal teen angst and some other things that most teens don't normally deal with and was wondering if she will ever get through it. Then she asked me if I've ever had just a really bad period in my life and did I ever get over it. It stunned and excited me at the same time. At that moment, I was so thankful for the trials I've had because I have a wealth of experience to draw from. I was able to tell her that yes, she will rise above this and God will bring her out stronger on the other side. I was stunned because I realized that in my effort to protect her, I may have come across a little too put together. Oh, she knows I'm a screw up on a variety levels, but I wonder if I am not as vulnerable as I need to be so that she can see Christ at work in me. So, slowly, I took the turn, shared some struggles and fears I have now and how I'm depending on God to work them out. I admitted I don't know how to proceed and asked her to pray for me. I have no idea how He will use it, but I'm joy filled that I took the turn from mentor/friend to full fledged friendship with her! Looking forward to seeing what great things this young woman will do and be... and knowing I had a little piece in it.