Aha Moment

I love 'aha moments' by God. I think because they happen so infrequently and they usually impact my life in a (hopefully)changing way. I had such a moment today...

It actually began last weekend when I was discussing a relationship situation with which I'd been struggling. I was discussing how I was actually relieved that I didn't have to deal with a particular issue, when my friend made a comment that struck me. He said, "You know that when she comes back broken, you will welcome her back and try to help because that's what you do". I immediately became defensive and said I wouldn't, to which he disagreed and pointed out that this is how I normally respond to broken people. As I thought about that conversation this past week, I've come to the conclusion that my defensiveness was a derivative of my desire not to be seen as a weak woman. Somewhere along the path of living in this world, I've ignorantly bought into the lie that in order to be strong, I can't be soft, loving and kind. I've dementedly processed strength in a woman as being in your face, aggressive, man-like. I've wrongly believed that I have to cut relationships off in order to protect myself. Funny thing... I can find none of this in the Word of God. Oh, there are the admonitions to guard your heart, to be wise in choosing your friends, etc. But nothing about taking a 'be done with you' mantra towards people that Jesus loves just as much as He loves me. He calls me to be his hands and feet. He calls me to help restore. He calls me to love others as myself. This came full circle today and the aha moment has come. My grandma was admitted to the nursing home where I used to work yesterday. This was unbelievably difficult for my mom and her sisters to do and Grandma hasn't accepted it too well. Honestly, my grandma and I have had pretty much a non relationship for the past 30 years. We've never been close and much ugliness has went on in the family for many more years than I've been alive. In talking with Mom yesterday, I knew that there was a hope that I would go visit and check on Grandma since I now work in the building next door. I'd decided that I would do it for Mom...not for Grandma. So, I went a bought some candy for her and took it over today. As I bent down to re-introduce myself to her, the overwhelming love that came upon me was almost more than I could take. There sat this frail, confused woman that is a part of who I am. Fortunately, she recognized me and we had a great time reconnecting and laughing with the staff that I've come to love as well. It was at that moment that I realized that while she's not been the warm, loving, giving grandma I'd always wanted, I intend to be the most loving, kind, soft, warm granddaughter to her that I can be. As I walked back to my office, the joy that I felt was amazing. Oh, I wasn't proud of my decision... I was thrilled that the Lord has changed me so much that I can forgive the past and love in the present. So, yes, I am a soft, loving, forgiving woman... and that's what I intend to become even better at! Thanks, Jesus, for the 'aha moment'!