Saying no

Psalm 31:22-24

²² I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.” But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy
    when I cried to you for help.

²³ Love the Lord, all you his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful  but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.
²⁴  Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!

Those verses have spoken to the deepest depths of my heart today.  In fact, I can honestly say that they are a direct reflection of a period that the Lord has lead me through in the past 6-8 months.  Life has not been easy, but it has been richer than in any other period of time.

²² I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.”But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help.

This verse was my mantra starting in October of 2011, yet I didn't realize it then.  It was during that time that Jesus was calling me to start the journey of saying no.... hardcore.  Again, I didn't realize this at the time...I was just a frazzled mess in virtually all areas of my life. I knew things were not working doing it on my own, so in my panic and alarm, I was screaming out to God.  I couldn't see Him.  Now, I know because of the Word that He is always there, so I had to do some deep soul searching.  I knew deep down that doing life my way was what was blocking my vision.  (will I ever fully get past this???!!) So I surrendered. Yet again.  He heard.  Then He asked me to say no in the first area ~ my finances.  I took a very hard look at what was the root of the problem and it was me.  I hate to say no to me...I am talking "I will throw a hissy fit and pout" kind of response to saying no to myself.  Through a financial program and accountability, I started to really experience a freedom in this area unlike I ever have in the past.  

The next area was a bit deeper and hurt a whole lot more...enabling.  I am not sure why, but I have always been a fixer.  I love to resolve issues.  Problem with this is two fold.  First, I am not the Holy Spirit and it's not my job to fix people.  Second, I often lose sight of what the Lord wants me to do for myself because I am too busy "fixing" others.  In my pride, I thought I was 'helping', but when it comes down to it, I was fixing.  This tends to be a big issue with those I love deeply. I hate to say no to them.  I want to protect them from hurting, and in the process, I can get in the Lord's way of growing them. Ouch.  

Like peeling the layers of an onion, He asked me to go further with Him.  The next area was even deeper and the revelation came through the most random of situations.  I was asked to fill in for a friend in discipleship. I was reviewing the lesson and it talked of temperance and how the Lord sees it and rewards it.  My heart was ripe for that lesson because it hit me hard.  I started praying that night for help, telling the Lord that I want to please him in this area of my life. 

So what have I learned from this process that is still ongoing?

²³ Love the Lord, all you his saints!The Lord preserves the faithful

  

I have a deeper love for the Lord than I ever have.  It's like a friendship or marriage that has weathered difficult times ~ it's sweeter as you endure together!  He has literally shielded me from some pretty rough storms over the past four months, and continues to do so even today.  He's preserved me in my faithfulness to be obedient.

    but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.

Make no mistake, I still struggle with pride and He is faithful to remind me of that when I decide to take control again.  I've had some bumps along the way (not sticking to my budget as planned, saying yes to an enabling situation when I clearly should have said no, going rogue on an issue that wasn't mine to commandeer! Thinking, saying, doing what I knew was wrong to do.).  He's faithfully chastised me, disciplined me, and forgiven me.  He also gave me a visual that is burned into my mind and soul of the effects of disobedience in a believer's life.  A while back, I ran into a peer with whom I'd always had a great, respectful relationship.  This person has chosen to willfully walk away from what they know God's word says and do their own thing.  The change in this person devastated my heart.  They walk stooped over, deep crevasses mar the face, a pervasive sadness haunts their features, the usually upbeat conversation that we'd have was replaced by a hollow sadness to their voice and they couldn't look me in the eye.  I was heartbroken when we parted.  I prayed all the way home for the situation and the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart saying, "This is what the effect of pride and sin does to a person, Carla. Our friend is bearing consequences and burdens I never intended for them to bear. My heart is breaking too...keep praying for them!"  Yes, God allows us free choice, but there is a consequence to defying God's word.  Yes, He is faith and just to forgive those who repent, but the effects may be life long. There is no doubt that my friend's life will ever be what it was.  Yet...

²⁴  Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!

Just this week, I am experiencing great fruit to being faithful to the no. I've said no several times over the past months. Sometimes it literally hurt my  heart to do so. For days...weeks..yes, even months!!  But I know He wanted me to.  In the no, my heart found courage.  In the no, my heart was protected from the barbs of the enemy's attack today.  In the no, I am walking towards pleasing Him with my temperance.  In the no, I am  allowing His Spirit to work the miracles and changes that I am praying for in the situations that I can't change or fix.  In the no, I am pleasing my Lord because I am living a life of trusting Him.

 

 

 

Victory - Day 758

Today it happened...I got to witness a victory in my life:  Seeing my value as who God is in my life and how He made me, not in what I do!!  Let me see if I can explain this succinctly ~

For as long as I can remember, I have always judged myself by what I do, whether it be for a career, for ministry, or for others.  Now I suspect that I am not alone in this pattern of thinking, but for me it was obsessive.  Being a consummate people pleaser, virtually every action/decision I've ever made has had the following tags attached to it: "What will people think? and/or "How will I look in doing this".  That isn't always a bad thing to consider others when making choices that would affect them, but the degree to which I did this was a bit psychotic.  I wish I could say that I always thought, "What would God think of this..." but no, people have pretty much been the recipient of my concern. How I hate this about me!

Recently, I was asked to lead a situation that had all the makings of the perfect "Carla can be the savior of the day" moments. The circumstances were lined up just so perfect to really be wonderful for me...able to temporarily 'fix' (one of my personal favorite past times) a problem, could feel like I am a bit of a hero, I was qualified for the issue at hand with previous experience, plus I could see potential financial gain.  Yeah, you are probably seeing that God isn't anywhere in this by now, 'eh?  However, I did something that I would have never done in the past when such a circumstance would have surfaced...I sought counsel.  Normally, I'd have jumped on it without thinking twice! I prayed about it and asked 3 people for counsel.  These three know me well and know the Lord.  They would bring insight into the situation, being able to drill down to the issues that needed addressing.  To the person, they all cautioned me against doing it. What???? Seriously??? I couldn't ask for a more perfect "Carla" opportunity!!  Here's the rub...it wasn't a perfect God opportunity.  For reasons I don't know, the Lord simply doesn't want me doing this.  Yep, the battle has been fierce as the enemy of my soul has pulled out all the tricks to lure me into taking it...especially the appeal to my pride.  But here's the victory...saying no to this seemingly good, albeit tough, opportunity hasn't left me wanting. I am no less because I said no...in fact, I am more.  I am more pleasing to my Savior because I choose Him and His plan.  That is more than enough for me!

This reminds me of a recent post that I read by Governor Mike Huckabee when He chose not to run for President.  All of the worldly signs pointed to 'Yes'.  Even his family was on board!  Yet, this steadfast believer in Jesus Christ sought the face of his Savior and He said 'no'.  So, Gov. H declined the opportunity. People were disappointed...mightily so, with harsh words.  I remember thinking then, and posting to his blog, that I so admired his conviction and faith, and hoped that if I were ever faced with a choice that looks perfect in the world's eyes, but is a no in God's, that I will choose the right thing.  Today is that day.

Heavenly Father, thank you for loving me.  Thank you for being so intimately entwined in my life and caring about every single aspect.  Thank you for the godly, wise people I can call on for counsel. Thank you...seems so inadequate, but is said with all I am.

II Corinthians 3:5 ~ Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think any thing as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God;