Today marks the 84th day of of a life change that I am embarking on. It wasn't something that I had planned to write about prior to today, but the Lord has done some pretty incredible things and I want to do two things: bring Him glory and encourage others. My hope is that this post will do both. However, before I get to the good stuff, I need to share what got me to day 84....
2014 started off with me feeling lousy. I had weighed more than I had ever in my entire life. I was in a lot of physical discomfort (achy joints, swelling, muscle cramps, exhausted all the time), emotional pain (constantly berating myself for lack of self control, embarrassment when my clothes were way too snug) and spiritual pain (my lack of self control was an indicator that I wasn't completely walking in the Spirit, how can I claim that my God is able to do anything but I can't seem to get this taken care of, lost ministry opportunities because of my attitude about my weight). Yes, I had felt those feelings for many years but was able to stuff them down. Not this time. For reasons I have yet to fully comprehend, this was THE issue screaming for attention and nothing I could do was removing it from the forefront.
I went into the week of our annual retreat determined to break the stronghold that food had on my life so I began a Daniel Fast. I wanted to set apart that week to restricting my eating as a sacrifice for the Lord. I wanted Him to come into my life in a new way. Looking back, there was no logical reason for me to have chosen the Daniel Fast because I have normally chosen to do just a water/juice fast. However, today I wonder if it wasn't my personal Lord that lead me in that direction in preparation for the life change He wanted to begin in me. The fast came and went, the retreat came and went, and I came out of that fast pleased with what we had accomplished together and went right back to previous eating patterns.
The moment of crisis for me came a couple of weeks later. While doing the Daniel Fast, I'd stumbled upon the Daniel Plan website and found they were two different things. I began investigating the Daniel Plan and liked what I read. During this time, the enemy voice inside of me kept saying, "Another diet? Really, Carla? How many have you failed? You will fail at this as well." However, there was a stronger voice challenging that evil one saying, "I am on your side. Together, we can do this. My word promises I will never leave you or forsake you. I never go back on My Word." Right now you are picturing the devil on one shoulder and the Lord on the other, aren't you??! ;) Yep, that's what it was like! On February 4th, I was in the heat of this debate in my mind when that still small voice says, " Call Mike about this". Ugh. I'd had no intention of dragging my pastor into this issue. Yes, we'd shared that struggle in conversation in the past, but I was emotionally raw at this point and didn't really want to talk about it. Yet, that voice became more persistent...so I called.
Can I just stop here for a moment and tell you with all authority that when God tells you to do something, there is a very good reason for that. Don't question, just do it! Best call I have ever made.
A shout out to the Lord for giving me a pastor that is straight forward, yet deeply compassionate. As I laid out the struggle and my desire for help, the raw emotion broke through with tears streaming down my face as I drove down the highway, I told him, "This is perhaps the most difficult call I have ever needed to make. I need help. I don't know how to do this and it takes everything I have in me to ask for help." What my pastor wisely didn't do was to try to throw out ideas to 'fix it'...he wisely listened. He encouraged me. He spoke words of truth into my situation that I needed to hear. And he said we needed to pray about how to proceed. He then jokingly said that this may be the next big thing for our church and I laughed and said I have no intention of being the poster child for the Daniel Plan. I would imagine if you asked him, he probably doesn't remember most of this. However, that was the day my life turned. That moment of utter brokenness was when the Spirit was able to move in deeper to THE area that I have been battling since I was 5 years old. It has shaped so much of who I am. Some of it has been used beautifully by the Lord to bring character into my life that may not have been developed otherwise. Mostly, it's held me back.
Tomorrow... the rest of the story....
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