Tears

The last 48 hours have pretty much sucked.  I hate to use that word, but I can't think of anything tonight to put there in it's place.  Challenging situations, people who have wounded me to the depths of my soul, people who don't know anything about me making remarks that smart.  Many tears have dropped from my eyes....

Yet, He catches them.  He counts them.  He keeps them.

Father, I love you. I thank you for the pain because it's then that I see you most clearly.  You are the lover of my soul, my Abba Father.  Thank you for allowing these challenges to refine me, to temper my flesh, and to make me into the woman You have created me to be.

Psalm 56:8
Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?

God whispers that lead to great adventure!

I was visiting with my friend, Sherrie, yesterday about a book that I had read and passed on to her by Bill Hybels titled "The Power of a Whisper".  We shared how there are times in our lives when it seems we can't hear Him for all of the white noise of activity, responsibilities, life, and self.  That last word, "self", tends to be the issue that blocks my Heavenly Father from sharing intimate fellowship and whispers with me.  I am pleased to say that the last few weeks have been a rebirth of sorts as I have moved into a deep time of releasing self to Him and the results have lead to an adventure that excites and leaves me clinging to Him.  I like it. A lot!

At the end of the college school year, one of our young women moved into my home for what was to be a two week stay before she traveled to Mexico for a month.  Upon her return, she was planning to move onto the campus for the remainder of the summer.  Now, for a life long single settled into her routine, two weeks was about the max of time I wanted someone interloping on my schedule, life, time.  I also need to interject that this young woman and I had had our share of difficulties in the past.  However, during those two weeks, I found myself very much enjoying what she added to the mix of my home!  I got a front row seat to see how the Lord had and is molding her into a godly young woman. I enjoyed listening to her unique perspective that previously I found somewhat annoying.  He'd matured her...and me.  After some prayer and discussion with my roomie, we offered to allow her to stay with us upon her return from Mexico.  So, I am thinking that I will have the month of June, while she is in Mexico, to be my usual selfish self.

Wrong.

God had other ideas.

In a series of events that find me processing various emotions at once, I found myself bringing a second 20 something into my home for the summer.  There is a  story that surrounds the circumstances and it's not mine to tell, but it is a story that I believe Jesus is getting some serious glory out of...and will continue to do so. So, the week after the first leaves, I have a second moving onto my couch.  Whoa.  Didn't see that coming and hadn't planned on it.  I also wasn't sure I wanted to handle some of the issues that were bound to come with the circumstances.  I was afraid.  There was history between us that had been awesome and disappointing all at the same time.  We'd let each other down and would need to work on rebuilding the trust that had been broken. Of what was I afraid? I am not sure...conflict, failing in being a good role model. Being vulnerable. It was then I heard His whisper... Just keep your eyes on me.  I will walk you through this.

I will be honest...it's been an adjustment for all of us.  I am trying to find my way between mentor, mother, influencer, and friend. BUT, the blessings have far outweighed the adjustments.  So many amazing conversations, encouragements, tears, mending hearts...and yes, vulnerable moments, have occurred.  One of the sweetest moments of my day is when she and I pray together each evening.  Something I initiated, but something she has taken ownership of! Wow.  God is so much more than ENOUGH for me.

We now await the fourth member of our home to rejoin us on July 1.  She is ready to return and we are ready for her to be home.  I pray that the Lord uses me to influence them deeply in their desire to walk with Him.  I pray my mistakes, less than Christ-like attitudes and actions that they have and will continue to witness will be faint memories because I chose to walk so closely to Jesus amidst my failures that they really see Him and who He is in my life. And who He can be in their lives.

Today, I am feeling more thankfulness and gratitude for the upending of my life by the One who controls it than I ever thought possible.  I am excited to see where He takes us.  I am thankful for His whispers.

The Sting of Subtle, Smug Self-Righteousness

Sometimes, I really dislike the person I can be. Today had one of those moments of pure disappointment in myself.  Ironic thing is that I should have seen it coming.  Beautiful thing is the Spirit caught me before I made a complete idiot of myself. Let me back up and start at the beginning...

This past week my quiet time has really hammered the issue of pride. Yep, I am cruising through the book of Proverbs. I kept reading over and over about the Lord's hatred of pride and his pleasure in the humble.  Even the book I was reading for pleasure touched base on it as well.  Now, I know that when Jesus says something repeatedly to me, I need to step it up a notch and pay special attention.  Weird thing is, I really couldn't find issues of pride that were glaring and I confessed any little issue I could see, making me think I might be creating some confession just to make sure I covered my bases!  Seriously, I have been pretty beat up by life over the past week and wasn't feeling particularly good about anything.  Then it happened almost like a vapor coming in the room.  I was dealing with an issue of unrepentance in another believer and getting rather frustrated at the continued lying when that little crack opened up and I started to get self righteous.  I started hearing my self talk say things like, "So and so knows better than that.  They know God's word." or "Why don't they just clue in here and get right?"  Oh boy.  As I puttered around my office, the Holy Spirit does what He does best...smacked me upside the head with the log that was in my own eye.  Immediately, all of those "God hates pride" messages flooded my soul. Busted. Big time!  What made me even sadder was the fact that I didn't have a shred of grace for the situation... just how does one who loves Jesus with all she has, clings to Him because He is her only hope, and wants to be an encourager of souls have such an evil streak???  Even worse...how do I not have mercy and grace when I have done far worse?

No, I am not beating myself up...just being real.  I love that my relationship with my Father is such that conviction comes quickly and deeply in this instance.  I love that He got in my face about an ugly heart attitude.  I am so happy that He forgave me and replaced those feelings of smug self righteousness with ones of 'been there, done worse, God showed me grace and mercy and I want to do the same.' Being a daughter of the King is nothing short of wonderful!

1 Timothy 1: 15-16
¹⁵  It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. ¹⁶ Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those ^[a]who would believe in Him for eternal life.

Saying no

Psalm 31:22-24

²² I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.” But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy
    when I cried to you for help.

²³ Love the Lord, all you his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful  but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.
²⁴  Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!

Those verses have spoken to the deepest depths of my heart today.  In fact, I can honestly say that they are a direct reflection of a period that the Lord has lead me through in the past 6-8 months.  Life has not been easy, but it has been richer than in any other period of time.

²² I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.”But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help.

This verse was my mantra starting in October of 2011, yet I didn't realize it then.  It was during that time that Jesus was calling me to start the journey of saying no.... hardcore.  Again, I didn't realize this at the time...I was just a frazzled mess in virtually all areas of my life. I knew things were not working doing it on my own, so in my panic and alarm, I was screaming out to God.  I couldn't see Him.  Now, I know because of the Word that He is always there, so I had to do some deep soul searching.  I knew deep down that doing life my way was what was blocking my vision.  (will I ever fully get past this???!!) So I surrendered. Yet again.  He heard.  Then He asked me to say no in the first area ~ my finances.  I took a very hard look at what was the root of the problem and it was me.  I hate to say no to me...I am talking "I will throw a hissy fit and pout" kind of response to saying no to myself.  Through a financial program and accountability, I started to really experience a freedom in this area unlike I ever have in the past.  

The next area was a bit deeper and hurt a whole lot more...enabling.  I am not sure why, but I have always been a fixer.  I love to resolve issues.  Problem with this is two fold.  First, I am not the Holy Spirit and it's not my job to fix people.  Second, I often lose sight of what the Lord wants me to do for myself because I am too busy "fixing" others.  In my pride, I thought I was 'helping', but when it comes down to it, I was fixing.  This tends to be a big issue with those I love deeply. I hate to say no to them.  I want to protect them from hurting, and in the process, I can get in the Lord's way of growing them. Ouch.  

Like peeling the layers of an onion, He asked me to go further with Him.  The next area was even deeper and the revelation came through the most random of situations.  I was asked to fill in for a friend in discipleship. I was reviewing the lesson and it talked of temperance and how the Lord sees it and rewards it.  My heart was ripe for that lesson because it hit me hard.  I started praying that night for help, telling the Lord that I want to please him in this area of my life. 

So what have I learned from this process that is still ongoing?

²³ Love the Lord, all you his saints!The Lord preserves the faithful

  

I have a deeper love for the Lord than I ever have.  It's like a friendship or marriage that has weathered difficult times ~ it's sweeter as you endure together!  He has literally shielded me from some pretty rough storms over the past four months, and continues to do so even today.  He's preserved me in my faithfulness to be obedient.

    but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.

Make no mistake, I still struggle with pride and He is faithful to remind me of that when I decide to take control again.  I've had some bumps along the way (not sticking to my budget as planned, saying yes to an enabling situation when I clearly should have said no, going rogue on an issue that wasn't mine to commandeer! Thinking, saying, doing what I knew was wrong to do.).  He's faithfully chastised me, disciplined me, and forgiven me.  He also gave me a visual that is burned into my mind and soul of the effects of disobedience in a believer's life.  A while back, I ran into a peer with whom I'd always had a great, respectful relationship.  This person has chosen to willfully walk away from what they know God's word says and do their own thing.  The change in this person devastated my heart.  They walk stooped over, deep crevasses mar the face, a pervasive sadness haunts their features, the usually upbeat conversation that we'd have was replaced by a hollow sadness to their voice and they couldn't look me in the eye.  I was heartbroken when we parted.  I prayed all the way home for the situation and the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart saying, "This is what the effect of pride and sin does to a person, Carla. Our friend is bearing consequences and burdens I never intended for them to bear. My heart is breaking too...keep praying for them!"  Yes, God allows us free choice, but there is a consequence to defying God's word.  Yes, He is faith and just to forgive those who repent, but the effects may be life long. There is no doubt that my friend's life will ever be what it was.  Yet...

²⁴  Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!

Just this week, I am experiencing great fruit to being faithful to the no. I've said no several times over the past months. Sometimes it literally hurt my  heart to do so. For days...weeks..yes, even months!!  But I know He wanted me to.  In the no, my heart found courage.  In the no, my heart was protected from the barbs of the enemy's attack today.  In the no, I am walking towards pleasing Him with my temperance.  In the no, I am  allowing His Spirit to work the miracles and changes that I am praying for in the situations that I can't change or fix.  In the no, I am pleasing my Lord because I am living a life of trusting Him.

 

 

 

The Chase

If you've read much of my stuff, you know that I am pretty crazy about my dog, Coco.  She is a constant source of companionship, joy, and instruction.  Yep, I said instruction.  Coco's responses and antics in relationship to me are so very often a visualization of my relationship to the Lord.  Other times, she is a visualization of my shortcomings.  This past weekend was one such picture.

I've been taking her for walks because both of us need more exercise.  We often walk on or near the golf course that is just north of my house.    Coco loves to track...if it's got a scent, she is checking it out. On Saturday, she got onto a squirrel scent, then spotted the creature digging up what I can only imagine was the ultimate nut because the beast did not look up at all from his frenetic unearthing.  Coco spotted it, bowed her head into the 'pounce position', and clickity-clacked across the road toward it at full speed.  As is the normal chain of events, the chasee will then take off running, Coco will give it a bit of a run for it's money, then stop, turn around, look at me for that affirming "You are such a hunter!" atta-girl, then happily prance with her helicopter tail spinning in pride.  Well, that didn't happen this time.  Mr. Squirrel was still after the golden nugget, totally ignoring the looming doom.  Coco was in as fast of a run as her arthritic, surgically repaired legs could carry her and was upon it when he looked up in shock.  For that split second you could tell that neither of them quite knew what to do!  Coco skidded to slow down so she could think about what she would do with the nasty thing once she pounded on it, which gave him the split second to start to scurry towards a nearby tree.  The look of confusion on my puppy's face was priceless.  She just wasn't sure what to do, so she ran after again, chasing it around the tree about 3 times before the critter decided to head for higher ground!  Of course, after it was treed came the look at me for the atta-girl, then the prancing commenced. 


I've been thinking about this a lot over the weekend.  Coco's actions mirrored my all too often pattern.  There have been countless times I have went after something ~ ministry, relationship, career ~ for the pure thrill of the chase.  I rarely considered the cost of what I would do once I obtained what ever was in my scope.  Many times, I came to find that it was not at all what I'd envisioned, if I'd even thought it through.  I rarely calculated the hard work that would be involved after the chase.  I rarely looked at the big picture of how the 'prize' would play out in my life, or the lives of others.  It was simply the adrenaline thrill of the chase.  Funny thing, most of the time, I never got an "atta-girl" from my Master.  Most of the time, He was hurting at the consequences that I was enduring because I didn't look up, ask Him for direction, wait on His plan.  Oh, the lost opportunities, fruit and hurt that have been born out of those mistakes.  Yet, the opportunities, fruit and wisdom that has come out of the hard lessons learned!!  While I would love to have some better outcomes, I am so thankful that His mercies are new everyday! I am thankful that He forgives, lets me come to Him with boldness, and He showers grace on me.  I am thankful that I know Him!

Micah 7:7
Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me.

The Leash Lady and taking on the "s" word...submission.

The other day I was riding through town with a friend when I saw something that was rather odd looking to me walking across the crosswalk.  There was a couple walking their two dogs.  The woman was in front walking a large lab/retriever mix and walking behind her was a man with a chihuahua type ankle biter.  I commented to my friend that the whole scene looked backwards and odd to me.  Her reply has been on my mind and in my heart ever since.  She said, "It wouldn't seem backwards to you if you knew the couple.  I do and she definitely is in charge!"  In my mind's eye, I could see the invisible leash she had strapped to his neck as she drug him along in life.   I am sure if you have read many of my blogs,  you know that I subscribe to the truth of the Bible and I believe that God created order and authority lines as a way of giving us guidance to peaceful and abundant living. Just like chain of command is imperative in organizational structure, so is line of authority in family structure. I've known women who have blatantly refused to allow their husbands to lead.  Scary stuff and it becomes a life of constant battle.  I've known women who have to lead because their husbands refuse to do so.  Sad stuff because most women in that position would love nothing more than for their guy to take the reigns and lead the family. The worst scenario to me is the manipulative woman who poses as one who submits on the surface, but deeper study exposes a puppet master behind the scenes using whatever means to get her way.  Fortunately, there are some great, godly women who consistently do it right and I enjoy watching them build their men and families up...my Mom is one who immediately comes to mind!

A lesson I learned from thinking about Leash Lady was to take a hard look at my relationship with Jesus.  I hate to think of how many times my walk with the Lord probably looks like I am trying to be the Leash Lady.  I have headed in a direction of my own will and decided to 'drag' Jesus with me.  I would make a decision to pursue something or someone and tack a prayer on the already "cemented in my mind" choice.  Other times, I would try to find scripture to support my decision, instead of allowing His word to mold the choices I faced. I hve even come so far as to allow Him full reign in parts of my life (usually the areas I felt safe that He would leave as is!).  However, He doesn't work like that and fortunately, that is not the end of my story!  Through some sifting, growth spurts and set backs, I am being more and more driven to give Him the reigns of all areas of my life. He is calling me to be set apart for this time with Him alone and I am excitedly nervous about it.  There are so many 'what ifs' in my heart, and one by one, He is addressing them. The peace that ensues from this is indescribable. He wants me to take that step of faith to jump into an adventure that only He can create uniquely for me. But, I know that without complete trust in Him, it won't be the ultimate adventure. I so want to obediently follow where He leads. I don't want to be the Leash Lady.....

Proverbs 21:21
He that followeth after righteousness and mercy findeth life, righteousness, and honour.

500 days til the big 5-0!!

You ever get an itching to just do something different in your life?  Boy, am I there right now!!!  Don't get me wrong, I am VERY thankful for the full life I have and enjoy all the blessings the Lord has showered me with all of these years.  Yet, I am ready for an adventure...one that only God can lead and one that I know beyond ANY doubt that He is calling me to.  The bubbling up from my soul is almost uncontainable!  I just happened to log onto my blog and found that as of today, there are 500 days and 13 hours until I turn 50.  Let the adventure begin today!!!  Stay tuned...