Bendy

I've been saying for a few months that I am culturally irrelevant and posting a picture of this guy created in 1950 proves it.  When I talk with my younger, cooler friends I am constantly explaining some reference about which they are clueless.  Let me introduce you to Gumby.  I loved the Gumby and Pokey claymation show when I was a little kid.  I even had a Gumby doll that I could twist into all sorts of poses. Gumby was what my sister Jennifer would call 'bendy'.  He came to mind today when the Lord was speaking to my heart.

Not to belabor circumstances, but frankly they have have been off the charts lately.  A whole lot of spiritual warfare which has produced distraction, anger, exhaustion, tears, counseling, more tears, etc.  Well, you get the point.  Amidst all of this, I've been diligent about protecting my mind with word, praying diligently for truth to prevail, checking in with others for sharpening, and taking vain thoughts to the Lord.  Yet, I've noticed a kernel of hardness in my heart.  A bit of bitterness starting to take a hold.  I've seen it in my responses to perceived wrongs done (no, Jesus doesn't want me to throat punch people!), my desire to isolate (which is different than regrouping),  and wanting to quit (seriously, I am going to quit on the BEST thing that ever has happened to me?? Don't think so, Jesus!). 

But today...I was talking to the Lord on my way to work about all of this and He sweetly reminded me of something.  These circumstances aren't necessarily to change other's behaviors, but maybe to change me.  He asked me if I was willing to be molded into whom He is fashioning me to be.  Would I stand strong on the Word of Truth in spite of the culture?  Would I love others in spite of the hurt?  Would I risk my feelings of wanting to protect myself to protect and stand with others who are facing battles they shouldn't have to?  Am I willing to be bendy for Him, to let the Creator mold His creation into a woman who can influence others for eternity by her responses to circumstances? Sobering.  I admit, it causes trepidation in me.  Yet, how can I not trust Him, the keeper of my very soul, to handle those fears?  He loves us so.  Tired friend reading this,be encouraged.  He wants so much greater for you... be bendy!

But now, O Lord, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.  Isaiah 64:8

Mercy I don't deserve

So, I had my yearly mammogram two weeks ago.  I hate having to do them, but yet am very thankful for the technology that can help detect a problem early.  Such was the case for me.  I had the 3D version this year, and as I suspected, it showed something that wasn't on the film from last year.  I've heard of this happening so I wasn't surprised when I got a call requesting further testing.  I wasn't nervous, yet I reached out to a few women and family members to pray for this to be nothing.  One of those women text and asked to get together and pray specifically for me.   Such peace reigned over me since that time right up through the tests today. Both she and my sister called this morning to tell me they were praying.   As I laid there waiting for the MD to do the ultrasound, I prayed that whatever the results, He would get the glory.  Of course, I didn't want cancer yet the weirdest part to that was I didn't want to have to tell my Dad I had it. I know that whatever He allows, He will give me the strength to endure, but I didn't think I had it in me to watch Dad go through a third family diagnosis of cancer....

The tech popped back in and announced that the ultrasound was unnecessary.  Whatever had them concerned had "disappeared".  Disappeared?  Well, I have abundant curiosity in all things medical so I asked what that meant.  What had disappeared and how had it done so?  She didn't know.  I asked her to show me the films.  Right there on the film from 2 weeks ago was a perfectly formed pea sized "something".  I could now see why the need for further testing.  Then I looked at today's film.  Nothing. Nada.  How could that be I asked her?  She didn't really know.  Maybe an error in first film process, etc.

 

Nope.  It was the prayers of the saints that went up on my behalf.  There was DEFINITELY something on that film of two weeks ago.  Today, nothing because He, in His infinite love and mercy for me, chose to remove it.  Did I deserve it?  Not even close. In fact, given the strain of my walk with Jesus the past 4 weeks, I'd say even less so!  Do I understand the why?  Not for a moment.  I am choosing to be very grateful that He chose to show me undeserved favor today.

Psalm 86:15 But thou, O Lord, art a God full of compassion, and gracious, long-suffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth.

To plant and to harvest

Having lived in a farming community for most of my life, I have come to love watching the the whole process of preparing, planting, and harvesting.  I enjoy seeing the planters roll out in the spring, placing precious seed that soon sprouts endless rows of corn and beans.  So much hope of better things to come.  Then the heat and humidity of Illinois summers make that corn grow tall and produce big ears of golden kernels that will feed nations - what a responsibility!  Finally, my favorite - harvest.  To see those combines roll out and glean fields, depositing corn and beans into huge semi trucks and pass many on their way to storage makes my heart happy.  Yes, I simplify the process for certain as I am not a farmer.  Yet I can relate to some of what they experience.

This year has been particularly difficult for our nation of farmers.  In fact, I am certain that difficult doesn't begin to describe what they know as reality.  I don't think I have prayed more for our farmers than I have have this year.  Two of my favorites are just finishing up harvest today.  It's been hard from start to finish.

That's how I have felt about this season of my life related to sharing the Gospel.  Trying to plant seeds in hearts that are not interested in the truth of the Scripture is labor intensive.  Part of this falls on me to just do it.  Still, part of it is the culture of relative truth...truth being whatever I choose it to be.  However, I can't allow culture to dictate my obedience to what Jesus tells me to do - share Him with others.  I have the cure to spending eternity in hell and I MUST share that with those who don't have that cure.  I have to work as hard as our farmers have in 2019 to feed the world.  My prayer for 2020 is to see a bountiful harvest from seeds I plant now for Jesus.

If you are reading this, do you know Him?  I would love the opportunity to sit with you and share what the Bible says about salvation.  PLEASE reach out to me ... your eternal destination is worth it!

Psalm 126:6 - He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

A Thankful Heart

I would say the last 18 months have been the most difficult time I've yet to experience in my life.  I lost my Mom so quickly to cancer and embarked on a journey that truly only Jesus could have orchestrated.  It's not over by any means, but tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my weight loss surgery and I sit here abundantly thankful and need to share that with anyone who cares to read it.  My top ten things I am thankful for this year...

• I am thankful for a reclaim of my health. Oh.My.Word!  I am pretty certain that I was thisclose to major cardiac problems.  Now?  My blood pressure is superb, my labs have been great, my A1c has been great...and I NEVER thought it would happen.
• I am thankful for how my body moves more efficiently!  I can move better, expending less energy and accomplishing more.  I am not tired all of the time, I can actually get projects done and ENJOY doing them! Kayaking, hiking, cleaning, gardening...loving it! :)
• I am thankful for insurance that would cover this drastic of a move for health. When I sat defeated in my Doctor's office and was arrogantly not going to choose "the easy way out", boy howdy, did the Lord humble my sorry hind end! This wasn't easy by any stretch.  I was an idiot and am glad to have seen the light!
• I am thankful for the providers at Genesis Weight Loss Clinic.  They put me through the paces to make sure I was certain and that I was going to be as successful as they could help me be.  I know long term results depend upon my choices, but they are wonderful cheerleaders to help me get there!
• I am thankful for others who have been down this road before me and walked alongside of me to cheer me on.  Their war stories and 'atta girls' have been a tremendous encouragement.
• I am thankful for my Jesus girls.  I have a most incredible group of women who encircle me and have been unbelievable prayer warriors, encouragers, shoulders to cry on, comedians, etc!  
• I am thankful for my roommate.  She has had to endure so much with me and around me all the while enduring some difficult circumstances of her own.  She's never wavered from her support.  My Mom was a mom to her so that loss was felt, my surgery and recovery were huge adjustments for both of us, we experienced a kitchen remodel in the middle of recovery so she dealt with that when I couldn't, and then she lost her aunt in the spring.  Tough, tough year...yet she has been a rock through it all!
• I am thankful for my Dad, Sisters, Brother, Nephews and Nieces.  I have the best family.  They've helped in so many ways this year and amidst the grief and pain, I feel closer to them than I ever have.
• I am thankful for my Mom.  She knew I was going on this journey and was 100% supportive.  That woman is so missed by those who love her, yet we rejoice in two truths - she is 100% healed and she has started the eternal journey of life present with Jesus.  I can't wish her back here on earth because of those truths... so I look with excitement to my start of the eternal journey with Him!
• Jesus.  This process has had His fingerprints all over it. I believe with everything in me that He allowed all of this for His glory because He knows I can take credit for zero of it!  That being said, I am committed to use ALL of it for His glory... by ministering more intentionally, by giving Him the glory when I am complimented on the weight loss, by saying yes to risky adventures for Him (Zambia 2019!), by working hard to use this gift He's given me of a healthier life to its fullest until He calls me home.  Jesus, you are my all in all!

These photos were taken almost a year apart.  Yeah, I've lost weight.  Yet, the joy I feel in feeling better and being closer with Jesus shows on my face and THAT makes my heart sing!

2019

2018

What does it really matter?

If you are reading this, chances are you know that life has dealt my family a difficult circumstance.  Actually, life hasn't dealt it, God has allowed it.  My mom was recently diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and it is terminal.  This has been hard, but in typical Harriet fashion, she has met the challenge with grace, dignity, humor, incredible strength and a good dose of humor.  I love my Mom for so many reasons, but her pragmatic approach to life is is right up there as one of my favorites.  As I was sitting on her bed chatting the other day - which can I shout out to the Lord that I GET to have these moments with her!! - and asked the question, "You say that you've learned more heart knowledge in the last 20 years about your walk with Jesus, so what exactly is the best lesson you've learned?"

Without missing a beat, she said, "Extending forgiveness".  She went on to share that when she heard the diagnosis it really put what was important into immediate perspective.  The things that she was holding on to out of worry, control, pride, etc. as she is facing her transition from this life into one present with Jesus just doesn't matter.  She's let it go.  I can attest to the fact that she has because her peace is radiant.  We talked much about how we attempt  to live a life like that all of the time and found that we didn't come up with answers that concretely answer those questions, but we concurred that much of it hinges on forgiveness and grace.  My inner circle has this mantra we say when frustrated with seasons of life where we can't get our collective selves together... we need grace, grace, grace!  So, I started to applying it to various circumstances around me..

.... when I see the marked differences in the way my siblings and I face this trial, I am reminded that we all grieve differently and need grace, grace, grace.

.... when someone with whom I've had a complicated relationship with reaches out to offer support and kindness, the forgiveness is immediate because why I was angry just isn't important in the light of eternity.

.... when I disagree with someones personal choice, grace, grace grace.  How do I know this isn't God's best for them?

.... when I find myself hurt because I think someone should be reaching out... grace, grace, grace - I may have no idea what their current situation is or maybe they simply don't know what to say.

I pray that I will always remember this sweet conversation with my Mama, but more importantly, I hope I will consistently live out the lesson that the Lord allowed her to teach me!

Hebrews 4:16 - Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

Planting Flags

My friend, H, and I have a standing joke between us that we both fly freak flags...and we embrace that truth. I've never been cool on any level (I will say she is, however!) and I became even more 'uncool' by world standards when I decided to be all in for Jesus.  To wear the team colors of being a Jesus freak, if you will, and to sell out to Him.  It's not always been easy by any means, but it's always worth it in the long run.  Today presented me with such a moment.

I've been doing pretty well in most areas of my life...except one.  My food idolatry.  Ugh.  This last bout of disobedience to the Lord lasted several l-o-n-g months.  I'd given up.  The Lord kept pushing, nudging, calling...but I kept hurting my body, my testimony and ultimately, Him.  Finally, a week ago Sunday, I repented (again!) and turned.  What precipitated that moment is a blog for another day.  I returned back to eating healthy food that fuels my body instead of stuffing down emotions.  Going back to moving my body to keep it able to do what He designed it to do.  And back to dealing with what's eating me that prompts me to eat.  Once again acknowledging my thorn in the flesh.  I've had a successful week...eating well, moving much more, enjoying the sweet fellowship that obedience brings.  In fact, I could tell He was my strength during the week.  I was pumped to hop on the scale this morning...only to find I'd gained a small amount. As I stepped off the scale, I heard the sweet voice of my Savior whisper, "Where are you going to  plant your flag?  In the truth of my word, or on the number of that scale?"

You see, I'd spent a lovely Friday afternoon having great conversation with a friend about planting our flags in the truth of Scripture versus doing so in the feelings we have in the circumstance.  Hmmm...it's so like my Father to bring me to a point that I have to live out my own counsel!  I could give up.  But today (and that's all I am responsible for!), I chose to believe what 1 Corinthians 1:9 says, "God is faithful, by whom ye were called unto the fellowship of his Son Jesus Christ our Lord."  God never promised me weight loss in my obedience in this area.  I chose to believe that when I am in my flesh, as Romans 8:8 says, I cannot please God.  My soul's desire is to please Him.  So, today I am planting my flag in the truth of the Word that my sowing of obedience will reap glory to Him.  That my obedience will please Him as 1 Samuel 15:22 says.  Now, please do not think that I believe I am something good or holy, but quite the opposite.  I am a woman simply saved by the grace of Jesus and what He did for me on that cross... and for today, my desire is to please Him with my obedience.  So when the disappointments of life hit you, where will you plant your flag?

I don't think a salad has ever tasted so delicious! :)

Running on empty

To say I've been distracted lately would be an understatement.  I feel like it's been months of working hard at being able to string thoughts together.  Overwhelmed doesn't define this battle. This morning was some more of the same.  I was puttering around gather items, having another hard discussion with the Lord.  Not quite whining, but seriously questioning whether I am on the path He wants me on.  Is what I am doing truly making a force for eternity or am I just some zealous bible believer with no impact?  My quiet time has been so.very.dry.  No "aha" moments.  No words of encouragement. Nada.  It's that dreaded feeling that Jesus and me are just going through the motions of this relationship.  I am trying to do what He asks... pray, read, love Him, study His word, and seriously, I am trying to just be still and be with HIM...yet, I wrestle. All the while I was doing this inner commentary, my roomie was sharing something from her quiet time about faith.  I was listening with my brain, but not my heart.

As I schlepped my overburdened bags to the car, I was dredging up one more thing I could do to turn this stale season into an oasis of encouragement.  So, I decided to listen to a message entitled "Doubt".  I was fumbling with my phone to get the message started, not at all paying attention to what was directly in front of me.  As I am driving down the road half listening to the sermon, not quite half way into my drive, I notice the gas light is on.  I glance at my range which tells me I have about 17 miles left in the tank.  Now, this isn't a precise method of appraising the gas levels, but it's better than the gas gauge.  At that point, I have a decision to make... do I turn around and go back for gas or do I continue on towards work?  Do I go backwards or keep moving forward?  Neither way promises that I will make it to the gas station.  I then do the only thing I know to do... I ask God to get me to the gas station in Aledo.  Now, I believe that God can do anything. Period.  Not a doubt... but my issues come with this question, "Will He do that for me?"  I don't know exactly why I fight that question with every.stinking.prayer. but I do.  I can pray with great fervor and belief that He is going to work in the lives of those around me, but I without fail, doubt He will do it for me.  No, I don't doubt He will save me. It's the dailies that beat me up.

Well, the range reads 17 and I keep moving forward... two miles later range reads 10 as I turn onto the highway.   I am almost resigned that I will be calling someone from work to bring me gas along the route.  Get about 4 miles from my destination and I am reading 0 miles on the range.  At this point, I start praying truths... that He is a God who performed miracles, so gas in my tank to get me to Casey's is no big issue for Him.  Then this truth rolls out... He loves me and provides so much for me. I know, regardless of the outcome, He will provide. The results of this, albeit minor issue, will be ultimately used for His glory.  As I glide into the gas station, I have zero doubt about one thing... I am loved by my Holy Father.  He used this situation again to teach His girl that in my distracted, human failing, He's got my back.  He taught me that as I combat doubt, He is lovingly and patiently working on my behalf to build my faith and trust in Him.  He taught me even in parched times when our relationship seems distant, He is constant.  He reminded me that it's o.k. to wrestle and it's when I quit trying to understand is when there will be deep problems.  Yep, all of this learning because of an empty tank of gas.  He's pretty cool that way. 

As I got into my car from filling up, Sherri's words came to mind about faith.  She had shared about "faith exhorting faith to wait patiently on the sure yet unseen".  That's exactly what this morning was... Jesus was exhorting my faith to wait patiently on the certainty of  His word and eternity.  That these present doubts, failings, sacrifices (which pale in comparison to His sacrifice!), and hard choices will produce fruit that may only be seen in the forever.  

Abba, Father... this glory is all yours! I love you!!

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.