Tucking In

 Pandemic.  I have come to loathe that word for so many reasons.  Yet, I am realizing a new layer of Carla amidst all of it.  Bear with me here... I know we all are dealing with this on different fronts and this is not about bemoaning all the negative associated with it.  It's about realizing that there is such beauty in the difficult circumstances in life.

Time for true confession.  My soul has not been well. It's been distracted, afraid, angry, exhausted.  Oh, I've done all the things I've known to do...pray, go to the Word, quoting Scripture to fight the feelings.  Yet... the fruit in my life has been anything but Christ-like.  My mouth has spewed such negativity that I can't stand myself.  My attitude has been one of judgment towards others that don't believe as I do.  My love for others has turned to disdain at times.  

It was all coming to a head last Wednesday.  I apologized to some of my co-workers for my attitude and was realizing that we were trying to do the impossible - fix this problem.  The Lord had opened my eyes to the fact that without vision, people perish (Thank you to one of the Jesus girls (Kira) in my life for sharing that verse from Proverbs 29:18!).  I'd lost the vision for our role in this whole thing - so we reverted back to our mission of preserve, promote and protect.  We cannot change that which will not be changed.  We can do our part, but we are not responsible for the choices of others.  And then He moved in.

Right after I spoke to them, I had a gall bladder attack that reached a 9 on a 10 point pain scale. It was a doozy.  I couldn't think, I couldn't concentrate and I couldn't get relief.  A few phone calls later and an open schedule, I was set for surgery on Friday to remove the angry little organ.  I honestly went into this surgery a broken woman spiritually and emotionally.  I was fearful in a way I had never been before.  I felt distant from the Lord. I was annoyed that yet another physical problem had presented itself and I was going to be away from work.  Fortunately, I had a host of believers praying for me and it has been amazing to see just how completely the Lord answers them.  Yes, I am feeling great and there were zero complications from surgery.  But what's even better is that this pause and their prayers have allowed me to spend time with the Lord in deeper ways. NEVER view a pause as a negative in the Lord's economy.  A wait, a rest, a stepping away from the norm (which is exactly what this whole pandemic has blessed the world with!) is a gift from Him to reconnect, rejuvenate our spirit, and to regenerate our passion for Him - if we allow. 

Today, in my prayer and reading, so much jumped off the pages, went into my brain and traveled the 18 inches to the depths of my heart.  He loves me so much.  I confessed my fears of pleasing the world over pleasing Him.  I laid my weary spirit at the foot of His throne.  He lifted me up as a Father who loves me without condition.  Psalm 103 was a healing balm to my soul.  He knows how weak I am yet I try to fake it til I make it with my own strength.  He never intends for me to do that but rather that I rest in Him.  Then the sweet voice of my Lord spoke to my heart, "Tuck in, girl. I've got you!"  That was a wow moment.  I've always said lean in when the going gets rough, and while it's true, it sounds like I am the one who has to do all the work.  Not so.  Tucking in under the arm of Almighty God... well there is no safer place to be.  No place of love and care more complete.  Today is a turning point and I am excited to see what adventures He has planned as I rest in Him.

Proverbs 1:33 - But whoso hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet from the fear of evil.

Wonky prayers

Flowers from Jesus

I am over this pandemic. For those of us who are on the front lines of this situation, it's been quite an experience.  On a positive note, I get to work with some of the best people at our health department.  They have stepped up in ways they never imagined they'd have to and have made this a true team approach.  Still, it's been tiring.  The thing is, the other things that we do don't stop.  It's overwhelming.  I don't say this for you to pity me... I just know many can relate when we are not in a pandemic.

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling so alone.  Don't get me wrong, the Ewing tribe, my Jesus girls, my MCBC Tribe have all been wonderfully supportive.  Yet, here I sat feeling totally by myself.  I felt unacknowledged and frankly, sorry for myself.  Yep, I am so totally human and a hot mess more often than not.  The one thing I do have going for me is that I love to talk to the Lord.  Prayer has become a part of my DNA.  My go to most of the time.  I am so weak and I've learned the hard way that I HAVE to draw my strength from my relationship with Him, so I am in constant chatter with Him.  I have to read the "Be Still" scripture to remind myself to listen too. ;)

Sometimes I pray really wonky, selfish prayers and this day happened to be one of those days.  I wanted to feel valued by Jesus.  He understands me so well and he has often answered these prayers just to build this weak woman's faith.  So, I prayed for flowers.  I asked Jesus to send me flowers.  I was thinking a sweet bouquet to brighten up my table. No biggie for the One who created flowers and owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  But oh how my Lord loves to surprise and wow my little thoughts!

I  enjoy taking a walk on the road north of my house.  There is a couple there that have a most gorgeous yard. They labor intensively and the fruit of the labor is breathtaking.  As I walked past their house I waved and then saw them waving me down upon my return trip.  I stopped and they offered me some divided lilies and I said sure as these are favorites of mine. Two hours later I was telling a friend about the sweet gesture and the Lord gently reminded me - I gave you the flowers you asked for, my girl.  I am sure my face was priceless as I realized He had answered my prayers.  And in typical fashion, He one upped my request.  Instead of a bouquet that will die in a few days, these flowers will bloom yearly as a reminder that He loves me forever.  They will remind me that when I feel alone, He is ALWAYS just a prayer away.  They will remind me that my seemingly unimportant requests are important to Him as He wants to build my faith, show me love, and remind me that I am His.

Jeremiah 29:12 - Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.

Different Tradition, Same Jesus

So today is Easter Sunday, the fourth Sunday that my church, Maple City Baptist Church, has not been able to meet as a corporate group to worship.  I will admit that today I got teary when the roomie and I sent a video praise to Pastor Mike for the fantastic online service he, Pastor Beau and others put together.  Was it the same? Nope.  And you know what?  That's okay!

I've been dealing with COVID-19 intensely since mid March.  When you are in the field of public health, you see and hear way more than you can imagine.

Over the course of the past few weeks, many pastors have been trying to navigate the stay at home guidance (executive order in Illinois) and what that means for their church body. It's been hard to balance the loss of human contact with the need to keep folks as safe as can be during this pandemic.  I've spoken with several in various communities who were weighing how to meet the very real needs of their flock, continue to preach the gospel, and again, provide safety.  I applaud the very hard questions you've asked.  I applaud the prayer you've put into this effort.  I applaud those that have made hard decisions to close their doors out of an abundance of caution and as an example of Romans 13:1-2.  I praise you all for the innovative approaches using technology to reach your congregations through Sunday morning services, praise and worship services, small group meetings, Sunday school lessons, etc.  It's been so sweet.

I just want to take this post and give the Lord praise for my church's response to this.  I know the pastors and leadership weighed these questions heavily.  These leaders are some of the most innovative, bible believing, gospel preaching people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.  They challenge me to get out of my comfort zone of safety and follow Jesus in risk taking.  That being said, it isn't done foolishly or with a lack of discernment.

At the end of the day, it's about Jesus. I've seen that in the way a whole host of folks from my church have been asked to provide teaching on their quiet time with Jesus.  We've been challenged ourselves to find ways to reach out to the lost around us.  We've been encouraged to be biblical in our responses, to lead by example, and to love and encourage each other during this time.  It isn't about our Pastors having to be in the spot light, but about Jesus being in the spotlight. That is true leadership and I am eternally grateful for that in my life.

Truly, for many believers, this Easter Sunday is like every other day.  We celebrate the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus daily! We live to make Him known.  We walk in relationship with Him every moment that we take a breath.  So, while Easter is a wonderful celebration reminder that the tomb is empty and that Jesus is who He says (God in the flesh), I am thankful to be celebrating it in the quiet of my own home.  Yep, I miss the hectic, loud family dinner with the Ewings.  I miss the hugs and laughter with them and my MCBC family. We will all survive this interruption of what we normally do.

I believe the Lord is gifting us with just quietly being with Him and thanking him for what He did on the cross for us.  Maybe He is removing all the man made traditions to allow us to really see Him? Adapting the words of Dr. Seuss from the Grinch Who Stole Christmas... "Maybe, just maybe, Easter is a little something more..."

 He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.  Matthew 28:6

Bendy

I've been saying for a few months that I am culturally irrelevant and posting a picture of this guy created in 1950 proves it.  When I talk with my younger, cooler friends I am constantly explaining some reference about which they are clueless.  Let me introduce you to Gumby.  I loved the Gumby and Pokey claymation show when I was a little kid.  I even had a Gumby doll that I could twist into all sorts of poses. Gumby was what my sister Jennifer would call 'bendy'.  He came to mind today when the Lord was speaking to my heart.

Not to belabor circumstances, but frankly they have have been off the charts lately.  A whole lot of spiritual warfare which has produced distraction, anger, exhaustion, tears, counseling, more tears, etc.  Well, you get the point.  Amidst all of this, I've been diligent about protecting my mind with word, praying diligently for truth to prevail, checking in with others for sharpening, and taking vain thoughts to the Lord.  Yet, I've noticed a kernel of hardness in my heart.  A bit of bitterness starting to take a hold.  I've seen it in my responses to perceived wrongs done (no, Jesus doesn't want me to throat punch people!), my desire to isolate (which is different than regrouping),  and wanting to quit (seriously, I am going to quit on the BEST thing that ever has happened to me?? Don't think so, Jesus!). 

But today...I was talking to the Lord on my way to work about all of this and He sweetly reminded me of something.  These circumstances aren't necessarily to change other's behaviors, but maybe to change me.  He asked me if I was willing to be molded into whom He is fashioning me to be.  Would I stand strong on the Word of Truth in spite of the culture?  Would I love others in spite of the hurt?  Would I risk my feelings of wanting to protect myself to protect and stand with others who are facing battles they shouldn't have to?  Am I willing to be bendy for Him, to let the Creator mold His creation into a woman who can influence others for eternity by her responses to circumstances? Sobering.  I admit, it causes trepidation in me.  Yet, how can I not trust Him, the keeper of my very soul, to handle those fears?  He loves us so.  Tired friend reading this,be encouraged.  He wants so much greater for you... be bendy!

But now, O Lord, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.  Isaiah 64:8

Mercy I don't deserve

So, I had my yearly mammogram two weeks ago.  I hate having to do them, but yet am very thankful for the technology that can help detect a problem early.  Such was the case for me.  I had the 3D version this year, and as I suspected, it showed something that wasn't on the film from last year.  I've heard of this happening so I wasn't surprised when I got a call requesting further testing.  I wasn't nervous, yet I reached out to a few women and family members to pray for this to be nothing.  One of those women text and asked to get together and pray specifically for me.   Such peace reigned over me since that time right up through the tests today. Both she and my sister called this morning to tell me they were praying.   As I laid there waiting for the MD to do the ultrasound, I prayed that whatever the results, He would get the glory.  Of course, I didn't want cancer yet the weirdest part to that was I didn't want to have to tell my Dad I had it. I know that whatever He allows, He will give me the strength to endure, but I didn't think I had it in me to watch Dad go through a third family diagnosis of cancer....

The tech popped back in and announced that the ultrasound was unnecessary.  Whatever had them concerned had "disappeared".  Disappeared?  Well, I have abundant curiosity in all things medical so I asked what that meant.  What had disappeared and how had it done so?  She didn't know.  I asked her to show me the films.  Right there on the film from 2 weeks ago was a perfectly formed pea sized "something".  I could now see why the need for further testing.  Then I looked at today's film.  Nothing. Nada.  How could that be I asked her?  She didn't really know.  Maybe an error in first film process, etc.

 

Nope.  It was the prayers of the saints that went up on my behalf.  There was DEFINITELY something on that film of two weeks ago.  Today, nothing because He, in His infinite love and mercy for me, chose to remove it.  Did I deserve it?  Not even close. In fact, given the strain of my walk with Jesus the past 4 weeks, I'd say even less so!  Do I understand the why?  Not for a moment.  I am choosing to be very grateful that He chose to show me undeserved favor today.

Psalm 86:15 But thou, O Lord, art a God full of compassion, and gracious, long-suffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth.

To plant and to harvest

Having lived in a farming community for most of my life, I have come to love watching the the whole process of preparing, planting, and harvesting.  I enjoy seeing the planters roll out in the spring, placing precious seed that soon sprouts endless rows of corn and beans.  So much hope of better things to come.  Then the heat and humidity of Illinois summers make that corn grow tall and produce big ears of golden kernels that will feed nations - what a responsibility!  Finally, my favorite - harvest.  To see those combines roll out and glean fields, depositing corn and beans into huge semi trucks and pass many on their way to storage makes my heart happy.  Yes, I simplify the process for certain as I am not a farmer.  Yet I can relate to some of what they experience.

This year has been particularly difficult for our nation of farmers.  In fact, I am certain that difficult doesn't begin to describe what they know as reality.  I don't think I have prayed more for our farmers than I have have this year.  Two of my favorites are just finishing up harvest today.  It's been hard from start to finish.

That's how I have felt about this season of my life related to sharing the Gospel.  Trying to plant seeds in hearts that are not interested in the truth of the Scripture is labor intensive.  Part of this falls on me to just do it.  Still, part of it is the culture of relative truth...truth being whatever I choose it to be.  However, I can't allow culture to dictate my obedience to what Jesus tells me to do - share Him with others.  I have the cure to spending eternity in hell and I MUST share that with those who don't have that cure.  I have to work as hard as our farmers have in 2019 to feed the world.  My prayer for 2020 is to see a bountiful harvest from seeds I plant now for Jesus.

If you are reading this, do you know Him?  I would love the opportunity to sit with you and share what the Bible says about salvation.  PLEASE reach out to me ... your eternal destination is worth it!

Psalm 126:6 - He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

A Thankful Heart

I would say the last 18 months have been the most difficult time I've yet to experience in my life.  I lost my Mom so quickly to cancer and embarked on a journey that truly only Jesus could have orchestrated.  It's not over by any means, but tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my weight loss surgery and I sit here abundantly thankful and need to share that with anyone who cares to read it.  My top ten things I am thankful for this year...

• I am thankful for a reclaim of my health. Oh.My.Word!  I am pretty certain that I was thisclose to major cardiac problems.  Now?  My blood pressure is superb, my labs have been great, my A1c has been great...and I NEVER thought it would happen.
• I am thankful for how my body moves more efficiently!  I can move better, expending less energy and accomplishing more.  I am not tired all of the time, I can actually get projects done and ENJOY doing them! Kayaking, hiking, cleaning, gardening...loving it! :)
• I am thankful for insurance that would cover this drastic of a move for health. When I sat defeated in my Doctor's office and was arrogantly not going to choose "the easy way out", boy howdy, did the Lord humble my sorry hind end! This wasn't easy by any stretch.  I was an idiot and am glad to have seen the light!
• I am thankful for the providers at Genesis Weight Loss Clinic.  They put me through the paces to make sure I was certain and that I was going to be as successful as they could help me be.  I know long term results depend upon my choices, but they are wonderful cheerleaders to help me get there!
• I am thankful for others who have been down this road before me and walked alongside of me to cheer me on.  Their war stories and 'atta girls' have been a tremendous encouragement.
• I am thankful for my Jesus girls.  I have a most incredible group of women who encircle me and have been unbelievable prayer warriors, encouragers, shoulders to cry on, comedians, etc!  
• I am thankful for my roommate.  She has had to endure so much with me and around me all the while enduring some difficult circumstances of her own.  She's never wavered from her support.  My Mom was a mom to her so that loss was felt, my surgery and recovery were huge adjustments for both of us, we experienced a kitchen remodel in the middle of recovery so she dealt with that when I couldn't, and then she lost her aunt in the spring.  Tough, tough year...yet she has been a rock through it all!
• I am thankful for my Dad, Sisters, Brother, Nephews and Nieces.  I have the best family.  They've helped in so many ways this year and amidst the grief and pain, I feel closer to them than I ever have.
• I am thankful for my Mom.  She knew I was going on this journey and was 100% supportive.  That woman is so missed by those who love her, yet we rejoice in two truths - she is 100% healed and she has started the eternal journey of life present with Jesus.  I can't wish her back here on earth because of those truths... so I look with excitement to my start of the eternal journey with Him!
• Jesus.  This process has had His fingerprints all over it. I believe with everything in me that He allowed all of this for His glory because He knows I can take credit for zero of it!  That being said, I am committed to use ALL of it for His glory... by ministering more intentionally, by giving Him the glory when I am complimented on the weight loss, by saying yes to risky adventures for Him (Zambia 2019!), by working hard to use this gift He's given me of a healthier life to its fullest until He calls me home.  Jesus, you are my all in all!

These photos were taken almost a year apart.  Yeah, I've lost weight.  Yet, the joy I feel in feeling better and being closer with Jesus shows on my face and THAT makes my heart sing!

2019

2018