ACK!

This week started with what I thought was the coolest opportunity to come my way in awhile.  A friend, who happens to be a published author, is writing a book and has asked me to contribute a story!  I excitedly said yes and proceeded to pray, to write the 500 word story, prayed more about it, tweaked it, asked a couple of people to review, tweaked again and then submitted it to her for review.

Now, you know the story doesn't end there.

I got a response back that while what I wrote was what she was looking for, she wanted more examples and detail and I quote, " If you don't mind me saying so, I feel you can be more vulnerable." Oh boy.  There was one sentence that I never wanted to read. Vulnerable...not something that I am easily or willingly.  As I re-read my product, it was obvious that it was very methodical, prescriptive and well, sterile.    I replied to her that I couldn't go vulnerable on such a short turn around time, that it would take me some time to 'go there'.  I thanked her for the opportunity and told her I completely understood if she needed to get another story to complete her project.  Yeah, you know where this is going, don't you?  She gave me an extension. In the immortal words of the cartoon character Cathy ~ ACK!

The Lord has taken what I'd hoped would be a small, fun, writing exercise and seems to want to use it to cleanse a wound that is not healing easily. The story is about how I have dealt with being single, dating, and not being married.  While I am abundantly content a lion's share of the time with the life I have, there are those deep recesses of my soul that still struggle.  Those voices that whisper that I am a failure because I am not worldly normal. Those battles between wanting to give into what my flesh wants, yet knowing that my spirit will not be satisfied. So many years of battles of "maybe this is as good as it gets/you deserve" to the arrogance of not being one of  'those women' who settles for less than what I believe He wants for my life just so I fit into the club. Honestly, there are portions of this adventure in my life that I haven't given to Him because I am afraid of what He will, or won't, do.  I hate writing those truthful words because I want to be so much more for Him.  I want to blindly trust Him...regardless.  And I fail.

As I end this week, I have decided to accept the challenge my friend has so graciously given me.  The immediate result will be what I pray is a story of encouragement for others.  It will also help me sort through some things that have needed my attention for a long, long time but that I have purposely put on the back burner to deal with 'later'.  Most importantly, it will draw me that much closer to my Jesus.  Yep, this is an even cooler opportunity than I thought.