It seems that 2012 was full of victory, clarity, and growth in positive circumstances. Not so with 2013. My first instinct was to entitle this post "Good riddance 2013", but I just couldn't go there. While there have been very difficult periods through out this year, I find myself underpinned with joy as this year closes out. The only reason for that is because of my faith in Jesus Christ. Period. I learned sometime back that basing my happiness/contentment/joy on circumstances is a pretty foolish thing to do. Times change, relationships change, finances change, health changes...Jesus alone is steadfast. For that I am most thankful.
It's weird when I think back to a conversation I had with my dear friend, Kira, at the beginning of the year. I remember telling her that I had a bad feeling about 2013. Nothing in the then present circumstances would have been indicative of the truth of that statement, but it almost seems prophetic on this side of that day! However, I am looking at 2013 through the eyes of gratefulness, so here goes my annual list of things I learned/am thankful for this year, in random order....
1. Prayer.
This was huge this year. Heck, it's huge any year, but I think I got a hardcore lesson on the importance of prayer. I've been privileged to have been able to meet with 5 other women every other Wednesday for the past year to pray over so many circumstances and people. We've seen answers that were hoped for, things that He chose to answer differently than we anticipated, things we are still waiting on...and some 'no' answers. Guess what? The answers aren't the lesson. It's the rich tapestry of the knitting of my soul to the souls of those I get to pray with bi-monthly. I've 'done' ministry a long time and NOTHING has topped what comes out of a time of prayer with other believers. We have shared laughter, tears, questions, hard words, more laughter, disappointments, and even questioning the whys with the Lord. Yet, we come back to a time where we acknowledge that He is what we are truly seeking. There is a like mindedness that develops when we seek Him together. There is a spirit of true thanksgiving that pours out at each prayer session. And He is there. I am seriously blessed.
2. Ministry:
Our Annual Women's retreat: The theme for 2013 was "Surrender". Little did I know that I would be living out that word over and over again this year. I got to witness women draw closer to each other and Jesus in that 24 hour period. I witnessed one woman give the most vulnerable message that touched almost every heart in the room. I saw lives change. Sadly, I saw a few women close themselves off to the opportunity to let go of baggage and get real and it broke my heart.
Captivating: I didn't want to do this Bible study, but my pastor believed it was the best choice for our women. He was more than right...he had God's view on this one!! I really do love that about my pastor and my God... they know how to lead me! That 10 week study pushed several women outside of their comfort zones. It broke some really destructive thought patterns that have held us back from understanding just who Christ is and how wildly captivated He is with us! I also got to see some women put themselves second because they served others instead of making the study all about them. How pleased the Lord must be with those servant hearts. I saw one allow herself to be pushed to a deeper place with Him and for Him. So.stunningly.sweet!
The lesson I walked away with was that in ministry all I can do is provide opportunities for women to know Jesus in a more intimate way, but ultimately the choice is theirs as to how much they will allow Him into their daily lives. I simply cannot want it more for them than they do for themselves, and some days it's all I can do to want it for myself.
3. Cancer.
The ugly "C" word that everyone dreads. So many feelings are attached to that disease. Almost everyone has a story of someone they know who has had it. My family had it happen up close and personal when my sister, Kelli, was diagnosed early in the year with it.
The lesson learned is that we truly have so little control over life events and bad things happen to good people. I also learned that there are some incredibly caring people in my world! I have experienced such selfless acts of caring support and I know that I can never 'repay' them. Thank you seems so insufficient, but felt to the core of my soul!
4. Love.
It came in many forms this past year. From the squeals of a delightful two year old who tells me she 'lubs" her Aunt Carla, to the hugs and orneriness of the older two who round out the three beings who have captured my Aunt heart. The Ewing clan who rallies around the one who may be weak momentarily for support....always laughing along the way! There have been friends who have been there for me...and I can't begin to articulate just how loved that has made me feel...certainly when I haven't deserved it. There was the love that I had hoped would grow into something deep and rich, but wasn't meant to do so. I still don't get why things can't be different...they simply aren't. Hard stuff to deal with, but that's where the ultimate love came in. Jesus. That name alone means love to me. He has continually proven to my broken, beat up heart that He loves me more than I can fathom. He has shown me that I don't have to know all of the 'whys'. I just have to know He is. The lesson: knowing "He is" truly is good enough.
5. Character.
Through some of the events of this past year, I caught the reflection of my character in the mirror of an other's eyes and I didn't like some things that I saw. Actually, I knew they were there, but didn't realize just how deep seeded they were. I've always prided myself on believing in character and that it is important...and maybe the pride is the issue. As the Lord peeled back layers to expose vulnerability to another, I obtained a clear view of my selfishness. I witnessed how far I would go to get what I wanted instead of loving the other more than myself. It wasn't pretty and it still stings. Funny thing, while I know I am forgiven by the Lord, I still hate that I hurt others so deeply. I can only pray that time heals the wounds I've caused. The lesson: I am a mess that only He can clean up.
6. Words.
I have spent the better part of this year just observing the use of words, whether communicated face to face, in groups, status postings, or other forms of writing and I've come to the conclusion that, as a whole, we humans are a sorry lot. While I am one of the fiercest defenders of the first amendment right to be able to speak freely in this country, I also believe that there is a time and way to say things. I also believe that just because you have an OPINION and the right to speak it does not mean you have to do so. I am witnessing the sheer meanness of people who have no backbone to discuss issues with others face to face, but would rather take to FB, twitter, blogging, letter writing etc. to take out the opposition. While some may say it's no different than gossip, I'd say it's more like gossip on steroids. It's destructive to the soul, both now and potentially for eternity. It seems to me that we spend so much time talking that we fail to listen. I have been so convicted of this in my own life of late. I have failed to dialogue with others to hear their point of view. I am capable of listening to a point of view with which I disagree, but fail to do so well. I do want to express one 'line in the sand' if you will...I do not intend for any of this to insinuate that I should fail to speak the truth from the Word of God. Those are His words, not mine. If God Almighty calls something out as being wrong or right, that is His right to do so. This being said, it is not my job to beat someone up with it...but to share the truth in love and let the Holy Spirit do what He does best...teach and convict in hopes to draw someone to Jesus. I have a long way to go on this issue, but I want with all in me to be better at it this time next year.
7. Finishing well.
This has been a difficult time with this one. The relationships that end poorly, a ministry situation that isn't coming together as planned, laziness, lack of focus, lack of discipline...all frustrations that I have endured in 2013. I hate it. I say I want it to be different, but see no real burning desire to make that happen. That's right where He meets me. I was just reading in my quiet time and a verse jumped out at me that gave me that grain of hope: Psalm 145:8 ~ The Lord is gracious, and full of compassion: slow to anger, and of great mercy. I am banking on the truth of this passage that He is full of compassion and mercy, because this girl is in serious need of it!
Honestly, I am looking forward to 2014 in a big way. I am more than ready for change, I don't want to look back and I hold to the hope that the new year will bring. No new year resolutions for me, but rather to continue on this adventure that Jesus and I are living together.
Friend, may you know the true blessing of Christmas this year...that Jesus loves you so much and wants a personal relationship with you. Praying that Christmas 2013 brings new life for you!
Hugs ~
Carla
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