TRUTH.
REFUSE TO SETTLE.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Spirit Led Dependency
Yesterday, I was filling up my water bottle for what seriously felt like the millionth time and I began to wonder why the Creator of the universe couldn't have just wired us so that we didn't need water so much. So I asked Him. Yeah, that's our relationship. I ask if I want to know. He may choose to answer immediately. He may choose to have me dig in His word before He reveals the answer to me. He may choose to just say, "Wait." Yesterday, the answer came in one word.
Dependent.
Dependent. A position in life that has never felt comfortable to me and a word I have treated with disdain. If you ask my parents to name a characteristic that has described me since birth, they would most likely say independent. I have heard the stories of my penchant for 'doing it myself' from the time I was a young child. I have worn independence as a badge of honor and, remorsefully, have allowed it to become an issue of pride with me. It has cost me much over the years of my life. However, yesterday dependence was a word that brought a sense of well-being and peace. Why?
I don't know if it's because I am becoming wiser in my years and/or have concentrated on walking in the Spirit more, but I am finding that I am learning to embrace the dependency I have on the Lord's leading. As I have aged and He has given me more wisdom, I understand the absurdity of thinking that I control most of what goes on in life. I simply don't. I can try to make the best decisions for my life and still have less than desired results. Bad things still happen to good people. Sometimes, people do bad things and pay no price for them. What I do know is that I am responsible for me and the choices I make and the outcome is His to determine. As I have pursued walking in the Spirit more purposefully, my spirit has become more settled and joy filled. It has taken that unnecessary pressure off of me to control outcomes.
I have now completed 126 days of life change on this Daniel Plan. I have lost 39 pounds, inches that I haven't bothered to measure, and an addiction to sugar and refined flour. I have gained energy, joy, and purposefulness. All of that is good, but they are not the best things I have lost or gained. That would be losing independence and gaining trust and grace. My trust in my Savior has grown exponentially. The same God that delivers on every promise from manna to motherhood in the Scriptures is the same God who knows my name, knows my weaknesses, knows my struggles, and knows the inheritance He has chosen just for me. He KNOWS me. Does it really get any better than that? Have you fully embraced just what it means to have a Heavenly Father that knows you better than any other being, including yourself? This same heavenly Father does what He says He will do (Titus 1:2), fights for you (Jeremiah 1:19), prays for you (John 16:26) and wants to protect (Psalm 28:7) and take care of you (Matthew 10:29-31). He is also the same God who sent saving grace (Eph 2:8-9) in the form of the God- man Jesus Christ. That same grace gives you a place to grow, is sufficient for all you need ( 2 Cor 12:9), and gives you access to boldly approach the Father (Heb 4:16) and ask Him anything. That's what I did and He has answered in ways that I couldn't imagine...but He said He would! (Ephesian 3:20)
Father, thank you for bringing me to a place of dependence upon You unlike I have ever known!
Dependent.
Dependent. A position in life that has never felt comfortable to me and a word I have treated with disdain. If you ask my parents to name a characteristic that has described me since birth, they would most likely say independent. I have heard the stories of my penchant for 'doing it myself' from the time I was a young child. I have worn independence as a badge of honor and, remorsefully, have allowed it to become an issue of pride with me. It has cost me much over the years of my life. However, yesterday dependence was a word that brought a sense of well-being and peace. Why?
I don't know if it's because I am becoming wiser in my years and/or have concentrated on walking in the Spirit more, but I am finding that I am learning to embrace the dependency I have on the Lord's leading. As I have aged and He has given me more wisdom, I understand the absurdity of thinking that I control most of what goes on in life. I simply don't. I can try to make the best decisions for my life and still have less than desired results. Bad things still happen to good people. Sometimes, people do bad things and pay no price for them. What I do know is that I am responsible for me and the choices I make and the outcome is His to determine. As I have pursued walking in the Spirit more purposefully, my spirit has become more settled and joy filled. It has taken that unnecessary pressure off of me to control outcomes.
I have now completed 126 days of life change on this Daniel Plan. I have lost 39 pounds, inches that I haven't bothered to measure, and an addiction to sugar and refined flour. I have gained energy, joy, and purposefulness. All of that is good, but they are not the best things I have lost or gained. That would be losing independence and gaining trust and grace. My trust in my Savior has grown exponentially. The same God that delivers on every promise from manna to motherhood in the Scriptures is the same God who knows my name, knows my weaknesses, knows my struggles, and knows the inheritance He has chosen just for me. He KNOWS me. Does it really get any better than that? Have you fully embraced just what it means to have a Heavenly Father that knows you better than any other being, including yourself? This same heavenly Father does what He says He will do (Titus 1:2), fights for you (Jeremiah 1:19), prays for you (John 16:26) and wants to protect (Psalm 28:7) and take care of you (Matthew 10:29-31). He is also the same God who sent saving grace (Eph 2:8-9) in the form of the God- man Jesus Christ. That same grace gives you a place to grow, is sufficient for all you need ( 2 Cor 12:9), and gives you access to boldly approach the Father (Heb 4:16) and ask Him anything. That's what I did and He has answered in ways that I couldn't imagine...but He said He would! (Ephesian 3:20)
Father, thank you for bringing me to a place of dependence upon You unlike I have ever known!
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Wind
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The wind whipping through the trees at Gibson Woods
Yesterday on my morning walk, I was blessed with a cool breeze to keep the heat and bugs at bay. As I was walking north for my first mile, that wind was at my back, scooting me along at a pretty good pace. I was making good time and got to the turn around point, only to find a fierce, stiff wind blowing h-a-r-d! I couldn't hear my music for the sound of howling wind whipping past my ears. I literally had to lean in and push through it for my mile return home.
As is par for the course, the Lord often speaks to me during these moments of observation. Yesterday was no different. The first take away had me comparing my morning fitness walk to that of my walk with Jesus. There are many times that I feel like I did heading north...the breeze at my back, floating along and happy as can be, just enjoying Jesus and seemingly moving forward at an effortless pace. My time in the word is rich, I am being more obedient to what I am learning and applying it to my life, and I seem to be at peace in my relationships. Then there are the other times when I seem to be buffeted by the winds of resistance...in my quiet time with Him, in my relationships, in my work, and ministry efforts. But what I did notice coming home is that my muscles had to work harder because of the resistance! I got a much better workout and burned more calories because of it. So it is with my spiritual muscles. Those times of trial and resistance are actually opportunities to work my spiritual muscles of recalling God's word, applying it to the situation, deepening my trust that what He says He will do...He will. I found myself listening more intently when the wind was in my face, just as I seem to listen for His leading during those times of spiritual resistance. I simply must lean in and go through. Not easy, but I will tell you from personal experience, it's been worth it every time! Much like my effort to finish yesterday's walk... I had more energy and a sense of really pleasing the Lord with my effort!
The second take away is perspective. I could always want to have that wind at my back, yet it's in those tough moments of resisting and winning that He gets the most glory. Thank you for the wind, Father!
Sunday, May 4, 2014
84 Days and counting...Part 2
And now...the rest of the story....
Later that day, I purchased the book about the Daniel Plan and decided that I would begin the plan later that week. I was pleased that most of the tenets of the plan are basic biblical perspective... being in the Word, being obedient, having a group for support, knowing that there would be rough days we just have to make the best of it, and to rejoice. These were the very things I'd been learning about having a sober mind. Made sense that to make a life change requires sobering up! I did not want a plan that focuses on food, but rather on getting healthy. Seems to me that most "diets" are about weight loss and not about truly getting healthy. The Daniel Plan uses food as the way the Lord intended...for sustenance and healing. I liked that. I have noticed that most diets do not deal with the psychological attachments that many of us have to food. I knew I didn't want to sit at a meeting and talk about food with a bunch of strangers. So, instead of starting with a group, I enlisted my inner circle for the accountability I would need, especially in the beginning. I am not saying that is the best way for all, but it worked for me. The basic concept for the Plan is to eat foods closest to the way we find them naturally and to eliminate sugar and processed foods from the diet.
So here is the good, the bad and the ugly of the 84 days of this life change:
1. Sugar is the WORST thing you can put in your body! I thought I was doing fairly well in this area until I investigated it fully. I eliminated all forms of sugar, artificial sweeteners, and began using only stevia, and pure maple syrup on rare occasion for baking. I honestly believe detoxing from that was as difficult as detoxing from any other addictive substance and for two weeks it was hell! My body rebelled mightily. My muscles ached, I had headaches, I craved sugar more than I thought possible!! I have a neurologist that sits on my board who told me that sugar is as addictive as heroin...and I would completely believe it.
2. Processed grains (or foods) are NOT our friends. As someone who has worked in some form of Health Care for 25 years, I can tell you that there is a direct correlation between the increase in processed food/sugar consumption and the rise in obesity/diabetes/other chronic diseases. We put these "foods" in our bodies and deny ourselves true nutrition, thereby increase the body's craving for sustenance and thus the crazy cycle begins. I haven't eaten any processed bread since starting! I do get some whole grain or gluten free items to use on occasion.
3. Water. Oh this was the one thing I have heard over and over...our bodies need water. Not soda, juice, tea, sports drinks...just good ole H2O.
4. Exercise. Our bodies are created to move and we have become a sedentary culture. We have a very cool risk manager for the county that comes into the Health Department and has encouraged us to get up and move frequently throughout the day. Sedentary jobs have become the new smoking...in other words, sitting for long periods is a detrimental to your health as smoking. Yikes!
5. The Daniel Plan urges us to follow the plan (50% veggies, 25% each of a lean protein and starch, and a low glycemic fruit) for each meal 90% of the time. That clicked with me. It took the pressure off to "do this diet perfect". It is a lie from the pit of hell that we have come to believe that we have to be perfect. We simply aren't. We simply won't be.
So what have I experienced?
Physically:
~ Once the sugar detox was over, my cravings reduced by 95%! I still crave chocolate on occasion and will indulge.
~ I crave water. Now, this is HUGE! I HATED drinking plain water. Once I eliminated the other options and began drinking lots of water, I started to want more and more. I do drink tea and sweeten it with stevia.
~ I am a smoothie freak! This is a great way to get those green veggies into your diet! My favorite is spinach, almond milk, almond butter and a banana. I feel satisfied and enjoy the sweet treat every morning.
~ I am moving a lot more. I started getting up and walking around the office when the weather was bad and noticed how much more energy I had when I got home at night! I park away from the door and try to get more steps in. I walk when I get home from work either on the treadmill or outside. I move my body.
~ I didn't know how bad I felt until I started feeling good. When I eat off of the plan (sugar or processed), my body revolts! I am finding that I don't like feeling this way and avoid foods that make me feel awful.
~ I have lost weight and inches. It isn't coming off quickly, but it is incrementally.
Emotionally:
~ I have made peace with the number on the scale. I have decided to make that the secondary issue to feeling better. Oh, I know that taking off the extra weight will physically and emotionally make me feel better. Yet, I also know that the number game is just that...a twisted, mood altering game. I know that number can fluctuate for too many reasons to count and I am not going to be held hostage to it. Two weeks ago I had traveled for work, was away from home and my routine and I had gained a little under a pound. But I walked and ate on plan the best that I could 90% of the time. For the first time, I could pull off pants that were zipped and button...the same pants that were difficult to button in January!
~ I know that the war is won by the small battles. Daily, sometimes hourly, I have to make a decision about what I am going to put into my mouth. How am I going to nourish this body for this 24 hour period? Those small, good decisions add up to big returns down the road.
~ When I don't do well...it's okay. I have promised myself not to believe the lie from hell that a poor choice is the end. It's just a poor choice. I commit to follow up with a good choice.
Spiritually:
~ Can I just say that I have a personal, attentive, loves me to the depths of my soul, Savior who is walking with me every step of the way?! Jesus is pleased with my decision to honor him by being a good steward of my body and health. That makes my soul bubble up with joy!
~ The doors that this has opened to bring glory to the Lord has stunned me. I have talked to so many people about the program and the difference it is making in my life....and it's all because of Jesus. He is blessing me for my obedience. I am seeing others make incremental changes in their lives that is making them feel better and I love being someone who encourages that! He has even opened up a possibility to move this to a large scale endeavor...Wow!
~ By becoming more in tune with how my body tells me when I make a good choice or a poor choice, I am reveling in the awesome work the Creator did in creating the human body. I let my body tell me when I am hungry, not the clock. I pay attention to the signals my body gives that I have put a toxin it that it doesn't like (diet coke...oh.my.word. I paid dearly for drinking two on a road trip! done.) and cross that off my list.
~ He's honing my leadership. I heard a phrase at a conference by a personal trainer that was so biblical...lead by living. In other words, your actions determine the level of leading you will do. I cannot lead a health department that should influence our community if I am not living the example.
I know many of you reading this struggle like I do. Maybe it's not food. There is one common thing required of all of us if we truly want victory in our lives over any issue. It's humility. We must humble ourselves and admit that we simply cannot have lasting victory without His intervention. The Lord is master at taken a broken vessel and crafting it into something that beautifully reflects Him...and that what I want to be. If I can be of encouragement to you...please contact me.
I will be honest. It scares me to share this. I know how many times I have failed before. I know that I am a weak, fallible woman who could choose to go back to her old ways. BUT... I also know that I have a greater Power living in me that is holding me close and fighting for me. His name is Jesus and He is my all in all.
Later that day, I purchased the book about the Daniel Plan and decided that I would begin the plan later that week. I was pleased that most of the tenets of the plan are basic biblical perspective... being in the Word, being obedient, having a group for support, knowing that there would be rough days we just have to make the best of it, and to rejoice. These were the very things I'd been learning about having a sober mind. Made sense that to make a life change requires sobering up! I did not want a plan that focuses on food, but rather on getting healthy. Seems to me that most "diets" are about weight loss and not about truly getting healthy. The Daniel Plan uses food as the way the Lord intended...for sustenance and healing. I liked that. I have noticed that most diets do not deal with the psychological attachments that many of us have to food. I knew I didn't want to sit at a meeting and talk about food with a bunch of strangers. So, instead of starting with a group, I enlisted my inner circle for the accountability I would need, especially in the beginning. I am not saying that is the best way for all, but it worked for me. The basic concept for the Plan is to eat foods closest to the way we find them naturally and to eliminate sugar and processed foods from the diet.
So here is the good, the bad and the ugly of the 84 days of this life change:
1. Sugar is the WORST thing you can put in your body! I thought I was doing fairly well in this area until I investigated it fully. I eliminated all forms of sugar, artificial sweeteners, and began using only stevia, and pure maple syrup on rare occasion for baking. I honestly believe detoxing from that was as difficult as detoxing from any other addictive substance and for two weeks it was hell! My body rebelled mightily. My muscles ached, I had headaches, I craved sugar more than I thought possible!! I have a neurologist that sits on my board who told me that sugar is as addictive as heroin...and I would completely believe it.
2. Processed grains (or foods) are NOT our friends. As someone who has worked in some form of Health Care for 25 years, I can tell you that there is a direct correlation between the increase in processed food/sugar consumption and the rise in obesity/diabetes/other chronic diseases. We put these "foods" in our bodies and deny ourselves true nutrition, thereby increase the body's craving for sustenance and thus the crazy cycle begins. I haven't eaten any processed bread since starting! I do get some whole grain or gluten free items to use on occasion.
3. Water. Oh this was the one thing I have heard over and over...our bodies need water. Not soda, juice, tea, sports drinks...just good ole H2O.
4. Exercise. Our bodies are created to move and we have become a sedentary culture. We have a very cool risk manager for the county that comes into the Health Department and has encouraged us to get up and move frequently throughout the day. Sedentary jobs have become the new smoking...in other words, sitting for long periods is a detrimental to your health as smoking. Yikes!
5. The Daniel Plan urges us to follow the plan (50% veggies, 25% each of a lean protein and starch, and a low glycemic fruit) for each meal 90% of the time. That clicked with me. It took the pressure off to "do this diet perfect". It is a lie from the pit of hell that we have come to believe that we have to be perfect. We simply aren't. We simply won't be.
So what have I experienced?
Physically:
~ Once the sugar detox was over, my cravings reduced by 95%! I still crave chocolate on occasion and will indulge.
~ I crave water. Now, this is HUGE! I HATED drinking plain water. Once I eliminated the other options and began drinking lots of water, I started to want more and more. I do drink tea and sweeten it with stevia.
~ I am a smoothie freak! This is a great way to get those green veggies into your diet! My favorite is spinach, almond milk, almond butter and a banana. I feel satisfied and enjoy the sweet treat every morning.
~ I am moving a lot more. I started getting up and walking around the office when the weather was bad and noticed how much more energy I had when I got home at night! I park away from the door and try to get more steps in. I walk when I get home from work either on the treadmill or outside. I move my body.
~ I didn't know how bad I felt until I started feeling good. When I eat off of the plan (sugar or processed), my body revolts! I am finding that I don't like feeling this way and avoid foods that make me feel awful.
~ I have lost weight and inches. It isn't coming off quickly, but it is incrementally.
Emotionally:
~ I have made peace with the number on the scale. I have decided to make that the secondary issue to feeling better. Oh, I know that taking off the extra weight will physically and emotionally make me feel better. Yet, I also know that the number game is just that...a twisted, mood altering game. I know that number can fluctuate for too many reasons to count and I am not going to be held hostage to it. Two weeks ago I had traveled for work, was away from home and my routine and I had gained a little under a pound. But I walked and ate on plan the best that I could 90% of the time. For the first time, I could pull off pants that were zipped and button...the same pants that were difficult to button in January!
~ I know that the war is won by the small battles. Daily, sometimes hourly, I have to make a decision about what I am going to put into my mouth. How am I going to nourish this body for this 24 hour period? Those small, good decisions add up to big returns down the road.
~ When I don't do well...it's okay. I have promised myself not to believe the lie from hell that a poor choice is the end. It's just a poor choice. I commit to follow up with a good choice.
Spiritually:
~ Can I just say that I have a personal, attentive, loves me to the depths of my soul, Savior who is walking with me every step of the way?! Jesus is pleased with my decision to honor him by being a good steward of my body and health. That makes my soul bubble up with joy!
~ The doors that this has opened to bring glory to the Lord has stunned me. I have talked to so many people about the program and the difference it is making in my life....and it's all because of Jesus. He is blessing me for my obedience. I am seeing others make incremental changes in their lives that is making them feel better and I love being someone who encourages that! He has even opened up a possibility to move this to a large scale endeavor...Wow!
~ By becoming more in tune with how my body tells me when I make a good choice or a poor choice, I am reveling in the awesome work the Creator did in creating the human body. I let my body tell me when I am hungry, not the clock. I pay attention to the signals my body gives that I have put a toxin it that it doesn't like (diet coke...oh.my.word. I paid dearly for drinking two on a road trip! done.) and cross that off my list.
~ He's honing my leadership. I heard a phrase at a conference by a personal trainer that was so biblical...lead by living. In other words, your actions determine the level of leading you will do. I cannot lead a health department that should influence our community if I am not living the example.
I know many of you reading this struggle like I do. Maybe it's not food. There is one common thing required of all of us if we truly want victory in our lives over any issue. It's humility. We must humble ourselves and admit that we simply cannot have lasting victory without His intervention. The Lord is master at taken a broken vessel and crafting it into something that beautifully reflects Him...and that what I want to be. If I can be of encouragement to you...please contact me.
I will be honest. It scares me to share this. I know how many times I have failed before. I know that I am a weak, fallible woman who could choose to go back to her old ways. BUT... I also know that I have a greater Power living in me that is holding me close and fighting for me. His name is Jesus and He is my all in all.
Friday, May 2, 2014
84 days and counting...part 1
Today marks the 84th day of of a life change that I am embarking on. It wasn't something that I had planned to write about prior to today, but the Lord has done some pretty incredible things and I want to do two things: bring Him glory and encourage others. My hope is that this post will do both. However, before I get to the good stuff, I need to share what got me to day 84....
2014 started off with me feeling lousy. I had weighed more than I had ever in my entire life. I was in a lot of physical discomfort (achy joints, swelling, muscle cramps, exhausted all the time), emotional pain (constantly berating myself for lack of self control, embarrassment when my clothes were way too snug) and spiritual pain (my lack of self control was an indicator that I wasn't completely walking in the Spirit, how can I claim that my God is able to do anything but I can't seem to get this taken care of, lost ministry opportunities because of my attitude about my weight). Yes, I had felt those feelings for many years but was able to stuff them down. Not this time. For reasons I have yet to fully comprehend, this was THE issue screaming for attention and nothing I could do was removing it from the forefront.
I went into the week of our annual retreat determined to break the stronghold that food had on my life so I began a Daniel Fast. I wanted to set apart that week to restricting my eating as a sacrifice for the Lord. I wanted Him to come into my life in a new way. Looking back, there was no logical reason for me to have chosen the Daniel Fast because I have normally chosen to do just a water/juice fast. However, today I wonder if it wasn't my personal Lord that lead me in that direction in preparation for the life change He wanted to begin in me. The fast came and went, the retreat came and went, and I came out of that fast pleased with what we had accomplished together and went right back to previous eating patterns.
The moment of crisis for me came a couple of weeks later. While doing the Daniel Fast, I'd stumbled upon the Daniel Plan website and found they were two different things. I began investigating the Daniel Plan and liked what I read. During this time, the enemy voice inside of me kept saying, "Another diet? Really, Carla? How many have you failed? You will fail at this as well." However, there was a stronger voice challenging that evil one saying, "I am on your side. Together, we can do this. My word promises I will never leave you or forsake you. I never go back on My Word." Right now you are picturing the devil on one shoulder and the Lord on the other, aren't you??! ;) Yep, that's what it was like! On February 4th, I was in the heat of this debate in my mind when that still small voice says, " Call Mike about this". Ugh. I'd had no intention of dragging my pastor into this issue. Yes, we'd shared that struggle in conversation in the past, but I was emotionally raw at this point and didn't really want to talk about it. Yet, that voice became more persistent...so I called.
Can I just stop here for a moment and tell you with all authority that when God tells you to do something, there is a very good reason for that. Don't question, just do it! Best call I have ever made.
A shout out to the Lord for giving me a pastor that is straight forward, yet deeply compassionate. As I laid out the struggle and my desire for help, the raw emotion broke through with tears streaming down my face as I drove down the highway, I told him, "This is perhaps the most difficult call I have ever needed to make. I need help. I don't know how to do this and it takes everything I have in me to ask for help." What my pastor wisely didn't do was to try to throw out ideas to 'fix it'...he wisely listened. He encouraged me. He spoke words of truth into my situation that I needed to hear. And he said we needed to pray about how to proceed. He then jokingly said that this may be the next big thing for our church and I laughed and said I have no intention of being the poster child for the Daniel Plan. I would imagine if you asked him, he probably doesn't remember most of this. However, that was the day my life turned. That moment of utter brokenness was when the Spirit was able to move in deeper to THE area that I have been battling since I was 5 years old. It has shaped so much of who I am. Some of it has been used beautifully by the Lord to bring character into my life that may not have been developed otherwise. Mostly, it's held me back.
Tomorrow... the rest of the story....
2014 started off with me feeling lousy. I had weighed more than I had ever in my entire life. I was in a lot of physical discomfort (achy joints, swelling, muscle cramps, exhausted all the time), emotional pain (constantly berating myself for lack of self control, embarrassment when my clothes were way too snug) and spiritual pain (my lack of self control was an indicator that I wasn't completely walking in the Spirit, how can I claim that my God is able to do anything but I can't seem to get this taken care of, lost ministry opportunities because of my attitude about my weight). Yes, I had felt those feelings for many years but was able to stuff them down. Not this time. For reasons I have yet to fully comprehend, this was THE issue screaming for attention and nothing I could do was removing it from the forefront.
I went into the week of our annual retreat determined to break the stronghold that food had on my life so I began a Daniel Fast. I wanted to set apart that week to restricting my eating as a sacrifice for the Lord. I wanted Him to come into my life in a new way. Looking back, there was no logical reason for me to have chosen the Daniel Fast because I have normally chosen to do just a water/juice fast. However, today I wonder if it wasn't my personal Lord that lead me in that direction in preparation for the life change He wanted to begin in me. The fast came and went, the retreat came and went, and I came out of that fast pleased with what we had accomplished together and went right back to previous eating patterns.
The moment of crisis for me came a couple of weeks later. While doing the Daniel Fast, I'd stumbled upon the Daniel Plan website and found they were two different things. I began investigating the Daniel Plan and liked what I read. During this time, the enemy voice inside of me kept saying, "Another diet? Really, Carla? How many have you failed? You will fail at this as well." However, there was a stronger voice challenging that evil one saying, "I am on your side. Together, we can do this. My word promises I will never leave you or forsake you. I never go back on My Word." Right now you are picturing the devil on one shoulder and the Lord on the other, aren't you??! ;) Yep, that's what it was like! On February 4th, I was in the heat of this debate in my mind when that still small voice says, " Call Mike about this". Ugh. I'd had no intention of dragging my pastor into this issue. Yes, we'd shared that struggle in conversation in the past, but I was emotionally raw at this point and didn't really want to talk about it. Yet, that voice became more persistent...so I called.
Can I just stop here for a moment and tell you with all authority that when God tells you to do something, there is a very good reason for that. Don't question, just do it! Best call I have ever made.
A shout out to the Lord for giving me a pastor that is straight forward, yet deeply compassionate. As I laid out the struggle and my desire for help, the raw emotion broke through with tears streaming down my face as I drove down the highway, I told him, "This is perhaps the most difficult call I have ever needed to make. I need help. I don't know how to do this and it takes everything I have in me to ask for help." What my pastor wisely didn't do was to try to throw out ideas to 'fix it'...he wisely listened. He encouraged me. He spoke words of truth into my situation that I needed to hear. And he said we needed to pray about how to proceed. He then jokingly said that this may be the next big thing for our church and I laughed and said I have no intention of being the poster child for the Daniel Plan. I would imagine if you asked him, he probably doesn't remember most of this. However, that was the day my life turned. That moment of utter brokenness was when the Spirit was able to move in deeper to THE area that I have been battling since I was 5 years old. It has shaped so much of who I am. Some of it has been used beautifully by the Lord to bring character into my life that may not have been developed otherwise. Mostly, it's held me back.
Tomorrow... the rest of the story....
Friday, March 21, 2014
The windshield of faith and the mirror of circumstance.
This morning on my drive into work, I was doing my usual talking to the Lord about the things that are pressing on my heart. Most of it was thinking about some things from my past. I found myself rehashing what I could have done to make these particular situations turn out better. It was in that moment that the Lord gave me this great visual. If you notice, the review mirror is incredibly small in comparison to the wide windshield. So should our vision be of the past. I have a whole wide view of moving forward and need to keep the perspective of the past in it's proper place. I've learned the lessons from those circumstances and now my focus needs to be redirected to what is ahead.
Yet again, the Word that I have hidden in my heart came to mind as I thought about the mirror and the windshield. The mirror reminds me of the stories of Israel coming out of captivity from Egypt and wandering in the wilderness and the Lord told them to remember all that He had done during those circumstances (Deuteronomy 8). He lead them, just like He is leading me. They wandered just as I have been wandering. Israel so often mixed the mirror and the windshield up. Their windshield focus became on what they used to have in bondage and their small mirror focus was on what they believed God would do for them in the future. That has been me! My faith has been so small towards the unknown future and I have tried to build it by trying to control the future through my reactions from my past. Faith only grows by trusting Him.
So, at that point in the road I asked the Lord to help me make the switch. I want to forget the things of the past that do not point me to remembering what Christ has done and press forward toward the mark of the high calling of Jesus (Phil. 3:13-14). I want the wide windshield view of the pressing forward and the narrow mirror view of the past. I love this adventure He has picked out for me!
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Gratitude
The past several weeks have been all over the board with circumstances. Drama and turmoil that I would rather have passed me by was plopped right into the lap of my life and I was forced to deal with situations for which I had little patience. People allowing their feelings to go rogue and thereby inflicting those around them with uncertainty, doubt, and distraction. The ripple effect of sin. If there is one thing I would jump up on a soapbox and shout to whomever would listen is that YOUR sin does affect others around you. No, I wouldn't shout it in a holier than thou blindness, but rather in a plea for them to avoid the pain they will cause others because I have been there.
There were the endings to relationships that I have held dear. It hurt. It made me very angry. My flesh didn't want to end them. Yet, for the protection of my soul, it was a necessary ending.
There were the opportunities to do some different, dream inspired activities that I do believe would have brought the Lord glory....yet, I distinctly know that He was telling me not yet, to wait on that which will be His best, to not settle for good. So, I said no. While my spirit is completely at peace doing so, my flesh whined to the Lord that I am tired of the "no" that seems to be ruling my days of late.
None of this is making any common sense to me. That's when His word pierces the cries of the flesh with answers. In my quiet time this week, I read in 1 Corinthians about wisdom. In chapter 3, verses 18-20 it says, " Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness. And again, the Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain."
It is in this truth that I find the gratitude. It doesn't have to make sense to me, because He is making Godly sense of it all. I rejoice in the truth that the stories aren't complete. What I see as issues of heartache and disappointment, He is viewing through Godly wisdom. That makes it alright with me. I want to be a fool to the world if it means that I gain His view and keep myself from being deceived. For that I am deeply grateful.
Thank you, Father.
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