Belize

The past two weeks have been hellish, to say the least. In the midst of closing out an 11.5 year tenure at my current job and prepping for a whole career change, I'm inserting a 10 day mission trip! No, it didn't start out that way, but it's comical how it all worked out. I gave my notice and my contract will end on Saturday. Then I fly out on Monday. Gotta love God's ways. However, I sit here thankful. I haven't had a moment to get all revved up about going to a remote village in a Central American Country in the middle of July with bugs as big as birds, to be afraid of failing at teaching at the English camp we are doing, or any of the other thoughts that have wasted my time in the past. Nope. All I am thinking about is how much I am looking forward to being with Jesus and His people. How I am excited about the quiet that will be there... all the distractions I've had have taken toll on my intimacy with My Savior. I've really missed Him. I am praying for time just to be quiet with Him, to savor His word, to get refocused in a couple of areas in my life. I'm praying for deep connections with women whose culture is so polar opposite of mine. I look forward to learning so much from them. I praying that the kids that are a part of the VBS will see Jesus in my smile, my laughter and my hugs. I'm praying that my teammates will deepen their love and faith in the Only One worthy of such love and faith. I'm praying that I come back a different woman than the one who sits here today.

Heavenly Father, you alone know the fiery darts that have come my way,including the ones I haven't seen, during these past few weeks. You alone have been the buoy in the storm and an anchor for my tired soul. Thank you for forgiving my shortcomings and for giving me strength in each day to finish this race well. Be with my co-workers as they begin this new chapter in their lives. Thank you for loving me. Looking forward to our time in Belize!

Critical Spirit

Two things I know for certain about myself: 1. I am usually a poor judge of character and 2. I do not see myself as others view me. I've had occasion in the past couple of weeks to get a glimpse into #2. I have recently decided to change jobs and my announcement to the staff I work with came as a surprise to them. Their response came as a surprise to me. I'm not exactly sure what I thought would be their view, but I certainly didn't expect them to be as emotionally upset as they were. I figured we'd merrily part ways and be done with it. I figured wrong. I know for me it will be difficult letting go of what I've come to feel good at and saying goodbye to people I've come to count as friends will be tough as well.

This has made me think a lot about how Jesus views me. I want to know that I see myself as He does, after all, His opinion is what counts. This past weekend I had an occasion to see an ugly side to Carla that certainly needed exposing. I went to an event where the people in attendance weren't 'my kind' of people. First big red flag is that I have "my kind of people"! As I sat in judgement of their lives (mind you, I don't have a clue what 'their lives' are like), God used the prayer of one of my inner circle to convict me. As he prayed before our meal, he was so humble in his confession about how he viewed people that I was immediately convicted. Yet, to prove the point that I needed to change, God used 'My Utmost for His Highest' to bring the point home.

Chambers writes:

Matthew 7:1

"Jesus' instructions with regard to judging others is very simply put; He says "Don't". The average Christian is the most piercingly critical individual known. The effect of criticism is the dividing up of the strengths of the one being criticized. The Holy Spirit is the only one in the proper position to criticize, and He alone is able to show what is wrong without hurting and wounding. You must constantly beware of anything that causes you to think of yourself as a superior person. There is no escaping the penetrating search of my life by Jesus. If I see the little speck in your eye, it means that I have a plank of timber in my own. Every wrong thing that I see in you, God finds in me. Stop having a measuring stick for other people. There is always at least one more fact, which we know nothing about, in every person's situation. I have never met a person I could despair of, or lose all hope for, after discerning what lies in me apart from the grace of God"

Father, I am so thankful for Your Word which lays the truth up against the reality of my life. I am also thankful for the people you've placed along my path that point me to living a life that is pleasing to You. Lord, change me to see people as You do. Amen.

Steadfast, Strong, Manly Men

Last Friday was an enjoyable day for me. I got to have lunch with a former college roommate and then dinner/movie with a couple of my girlfriends. Of course, the subject of men came up (hello, it's women sitting around talking...men are bound to be a topic somewhere in the convo!) with the usual conclusion ~ we don't understand how they think or why they do some of the things they do. Now, before any of my beloved male friends stop reading... I would bet many of you feel the same way about women... you just don't get us either. The evening culminated in watching yet another Hollywood take on good boy gone bad only to be brought back to good boy with some Dickenese characters thrown in to help him see the error of his ways. Ugh. I am so tired of those kinds of movies. The main character is a schmuck and after his supposed redemption, he becomes a lovable, sweet guy. I'd love to see the 'real-life' sequel of what happens after the 'happily ever after' wears off. Bet my paycheck the dude is still a schmuck and she's a cranky nag because he isn't living up to what she thinks he should be!

This whole thing got me to thinking about and praying for the men who are currently in my life and the one I've yet to meet. Do I put them in a 'Hollywood' type box and expect them to be like those in the movies? Do I want them to be the manly man, knight in shining armour all the while expecting them to think like a woman? Do I emasculate them with my penchant for wanting control? Do I expect them to be more than God does? Does my attitude/actions reflect respect for who they are right where God has them? While I want to be 'wowed' by Mr. Right, what does that look like in reality? As God often does, He gave me a nugget in my reading this morning that I've been chewing on. In I Cor. 16:13 it says, "Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong." I'll be honest... I was perplexed by this verse the first few times I read it. What the heck does 'quit like men' mean? So, I researched it a bit and found it means to act manly. Paul had been dealing with the church at Corinth and the many questions they had for him. Apparently, from previous verses, the roles of men and women in the Christian walk were questioned by those early believers. After 15 chapters of response, Paul was wrapping up his letter to them. And almost in the middle of this last chapter with no warning, he tells them to stand fast in their faith, be manly, to be strong and to do all with love (vs. 14). The light bulb went off for me. Isn't that really all we should want from the men in our lives? Stand fast in their faith, be a strong man and do all with love? Why do we let the world tell us that men need to be anything other than what God expects? Now, I'm all about people taking personal responsibility for their choices and lives, and guys, if you are anything less than God wants, that's on you. But now I'm talking to the ladies... we must do our very best to promote what God says a man should be like ~ not our own personal agenda or Hollywood's view. I see so many women trying to 'fix' the men in their lives to be something that God never intended him to be...and yours truly has been guilty of that as well. Gals, would you want him constantly trying to change who you are or do you want him relying on God to shape and mold you into the woman God wants you to be? Frankly, I know this will be seen as highly unpopular, 'old school' thinking... but I agree with God, not the world. I am praying that the men in my life are standing fast in their faith, are strong, manly men and do all with love and that God shows me how to live my life in a way that allows them be all HE desires them to be.

Hands Off

Proverbs 21:2 Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the LORD pondereth the hearts.

It's been awhile since I've blogged because it seems I haven't had much to say that would be of spiritual worth. It's been because I have been internally struggling with so much that I don't understand about God and His ways. Certainly, some of it is pride, some is living in my flesh and choosing not to do what He wants when I don't understand, and some is just flat out I don't get why God would allow _________________ (feel free to fill in the blank with your own question).

I've been dealing with some anger issues that I'm not too proud of and I know anger is derived from hurt. I've been really hurt that God didn't answer my prayers as I'd hoped. I've been hurt by the disappointment of people not choosing the best that they could for their lives and the lives of those around them. I've been hurt by the blatant selfishness I see around me. I have been wondering if I am making any impact with those around me. I have believers asking me for counsel and when I try to share the Word, they appear to walk the other way. I repeat the same lessons over and over and over to those I lead... to what appears to be no avail. Well... you get the picture. Then, as my Best Friend always does, Jesus has been working me through that hurt and anger. Last night it came to fruition and God used two of my 'inner circle' to help me over the hump.

My wise friend, Sherri, points out to me that I can't see what's going on inside of those around me. She's right. God proved it 3 times in the past week as the Word had soaked into the hearts of those I counseled and the brokenness came to the surface of two for whom I've been praying for several years. God, yet again, proved to me that He works in ways I don't understand, in HIS perfect time, in HIS perfect way. My wise friend, Michelle, pointed out to me today that sometimes I have to take a hands off approach... I am only responsible for doing what God calls me to do and the decisions of others is between them and the Lord. I knew that, but her wonderful way of explaining it from a parenting approach, which to me would be the ULTIMATE place to want to control, was much needed. I can't control the outcome. Then, during prayer, the Lord reminded me that just because people don't do/act/speak/serve/love as I do, doesn't mean that they are wrong or any less spiritual than I. It means he created me to do/act/speak/serve/love as He created Carla to do. Period. He also reminded me of the countless times I have had to learn the same lesson and that He has shown me grace through every mistake and He is asking the same of me towards others. With His blood being the price paid for me, how can I do anything less?

I am not God, therefore I cannot judge the hearts of others. I am not the Holy Spirit, therefore it is not my job to convict. I am not Jesus, therefore I cannot save. I am just Carla, therefore I want to love and serve.

Fasting

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
Today I write after a week's absence of being quiet. I had decided through much prayer and encouragement of the Holy Spirit to partake in a biblical fast last week. I've yet to process all of the spiritual implications of the fast and I probably won't discuss them via blog as it was an intensely personal (my friends are welcome to ask!). It was truly the paradox of bittersweet... bitterness at the circumstances and firestorms that I, with Christ, had to endure and walk thru...sweetness at the depth of peace I felt during the whole thing. I did question,at the time, why He called me to do this last week, considering all that went down, but now on this side of it, I know His timing is perfect.

One thing I will share is that my Lord is the conqueror of fear. I fought doing the fast because I feared failing at it. I knew that I am a food addict and to give it up would set me up to probably fail. And in my own power, that would have happened. I will tell you... He is faithful and will supply all your needs when He calls you to a task, ministry, or whatever. I was able to complete the 5 days without any food (juice and water only). I'm excited that once and for all, I KNOW my God is bigger than my weakness. Oh, food is still a struggle for me and no doubt will be for the rest of my life because of various and asundry issues related to it...but it's not the stronghold it once was. I've learned that there are two actions to the above verse... I can do...which means I have to make an effort...and through Christ...which means He has to be a part of it. I would caution anyone looking to do a fast from anything to make certain that He is directing it, otherwise it's just deprivation for no biblical reason. Seek counsel from a godly source before starting if you are unsure. If you are a young person, do NOT do this without your parent's permission. Lastly, while doing it, don't tell anyone that isn't necessary. Those you live with will obviously know, but this is a deeply personal experience...allow it to be!

Hugs ~

Never Forsaken

Mark 15:34 And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? which is, being interpreted, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?

Last night in the college group, we were discussing our purpose in life. I have to admit that while I know it's to bring Him glory, I'm still working on how that looks in my daily life. In the process of the conversation, we talked about how lonely it can be to stand for the Lord. It got me to thinking about the feeling of being forsaken.

I've never felt that I was forsaken a day in my life. I've always been blessed by having good parents who cared about my well-being, good friends who come along side to encourage me, and a Lord who loves me indescribably. Yes, there are times of acute loneliness, even being in the middle of many people. Times when I don't think there is another person on the planet who understands me or my situation. Times when I truly don't want to do this walk even one more day. As I shared with the students, we must accept the fact that there will be loneliness and times of being alone. But for those who have trusted Christ, there will never be a moment of being forsaken. When I read the above verse today, I have a bittersweet reaction to it. I think what it must have been like for Jesus to experience that total ripping apart from the Father he'd known for eternity past. How suffocating the total aloneness would have been. How He had to know that He would be rejected by many. He'd never been separated from Abba Father.... and He did it because of me. Because of my sin. Because of my separation. And the sad thing, the very fact that until He opened my eyes to my need, I didn't even realize I was apart from God. I am humbled that He did that for me, ever so grateful, and loving Him even more. Thank you, Jesus.

The Adventure of Him

Strife: angry contention, rivalry

Boy, that can be me. Not a very attractive trait, I admit. I don't get why I have to be contentious at all. Why can't I just go with the flow instead of making an issue? Why do I make anything a rivalry instead of looking for camaraderie?

But, I've witnessed victory this week. It all started with the Third Day Concert. There was a point when the lead singer, Mac Powell, lead a time of worship between the songs 'Cry out to Jesus' and 'Revelation' that I knew God was there with me at that moment. It's hard to explain, but it seems I'd been strife filled and manipulating against God and others for quite some time and at that moment, everything fell into place when I let go. It was freeing. Instead of the passion of being fired up about controlling situations, I was, to the core of my being, excited about a future that is unknown by me, but certainly known by my Lord. It was saying no to the sameness of me and saying yes to the adventure of Him. Funny thing...God wasn't done teaching me that lesson... He did the same thing when I spoke at UNiTE and during a talk with a friend. Both had their moments of me striving against it, fighting doing what I know God wanted from me, but in the end, I said yes to the adventure of the unknown by me. And did God bless me. He gave me such peace in both situations ~ joy in teaching and studying for UNiTE and deepening my level of respect for my friend. I'm thinking I'm going to like not striving....

Proverbs 20:3
It is an honour for a man to cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling.