The Patchwork of Life

The Crazy Quilt that hangs in my living room.

 

 

This morning as I was spending some time with the Lord, I pulled out my prayer journal that I had begun in 2008.  There were entries where I diligently prayed for people to be saved, for lives to be changed, for marriages to be strengthened, hearts to be mended, pitfalls to avoid, protection from making unwise choices.  There were entries on behalf of myself for wisdom and discernment, for strength to move forward in my life, help in overcoming so many weak areas in my character.  It was absolutely cool to see how God has worked.  I wish I'd been more diligent in documenting prayers, but the Lord has certainly been diligent in working on behalf of those I'd prayed for as well as for me!

 

As I was going through it, I was reminded of the story where our lives are explained as a tapestry. As the tale goes, we can only see the bottom, which looks all messy and no real pattern, but God sees the beautiful side that creates the picture of our lives.  Somehow, I get the feeling mine is more like a crazy quilt, much like the one in the photo.  Odd shaped events that made no sense at the time, seemingly fit together just right to become the story of my life.  One piece in particular has caused me a great deal of difficulty over the years, yet this morning He showed me clearly why I have had to endure it...that there was a significant purpose for it...that what I have been beating myself up over for too long was allowed for His glory.  What a sweet kiss from my Abba Father!  Now, instead of thinking negatively about it, I  know that the outcome may look very different today in several lives had I not been involved enough to pray over it.  What a blessing!

 

I have decided today to try to be a lot more diligent in recording my prayers and the answers as a great reminder that He listens, He cares, and He is intimately involved in my life.

 

Hebrews 11:6 ~ But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

A vessel for the finer...

Take away the dross from the silver, and there shall come forth a vessel for the finer.      Proverbs 25:45

 

This past week I was cleaning out some cupboards and came across this dish that had been given to me by a very dear woman who was like a grandmother to me...actually, she was a grandmother to me!  The piece had become tarnished and was looking rather drab, so I purchased some Twinkle and began the task of trying to remove several layers, and years, of tarnish...or as the Bible calls it ~ dross.

 

As I started to apply the cleaning agent, it became clear that this was not going to be an easy task! After A LOT of cleaner, a lot of elbow grease, and several soft cloths, I started to see the beauty of the silver and something else...my reflection.

 

This reminded me of the above verse in Proverbs. As I scrubbed away the dross, I thought about the Lord removing the dross from my life.  I know there has been some that has not been too tough to remove and then some that was so deeply ensconced in the deep crevices of my soul that it took some meticulous attention to remove it.  Like the dross on my piece of silver, there have been layers upon layers of dulling agents like poor attitude, laziness, selfishness, or sin to remove from me.  I could envision the Lord scrubbing it away by apply some heavy pressure, just as I did.  I could also envision the Lord being as pleased as I was when He could finally glimpse His reflection in my life.  While I don't always enjoy the process of having Him remove that dross, I so look forward to being a vessel for the finer!

 

 

The finished product!





 



Dwell or Repel

Have you ever noticed that when you decide to plant your mind in a certain place, the enemy of your soul comes along with the nastiest of tricks to try to pull you back down into the muck and mire of stinkin' thinkin'?  Or when you declare to the world that you are going to take a certain stand, you most assuredly find yourself being tempted to do the polar opposite of what you desire to do?  This morning was one of those times for me.

I was so pumped after getting a morning call from Kelli  saying that she was having a peace filled, upbeat kind of morning.  It's been truly hard for her to wrap her mind and emotions around all of the information surrounding her diagnosis.  Everything she is experiencing is quite normal for the circumstances...but not 'normal' for Kelli.  So when she called and was her ornery self and we were laughing, I gotta say that made my entire week!!  Oh, I know we will have some rough days ahead, but I will rejoice in the good of today.  The day proceeded to go well, circumstantially anyway.  I was buffeting the barbs of the enemy to be snarky over some ignorant vain imaginations, drowning out the whispers in my ear that taunted me to start rehashing a time wasting conversation with edifying music, and ignoring the ongoing annoyance sour attitudes. I was feeling some relief that brighter days are ahead until I opened my Bible.

Now, I normally don't say that about opening my Bible!  But today, I rediscovered a note written to me awhile back from someone who at one time was a big influence in my life.  Someone who meant a great deal to me.  Someone with whom I have no relationship anymore.  It was taped onto the inside cover and I had truly forgotten it was there.  But this morning, as I flipped open the Word, it caught my eye.  As I read the incredibly sweet words, my heart started to break as a flood of memories of better times and sweet fellowship started to play across my mind.  I felt myself starting to spiral down into a pit of useless questions such as 'why, God?' and 'what if?' and 'how did it get here?'.  And it was in that split second that I realized I have a choice...dwell or repel. I could allow my mind to dwell in a place that isn't healthy for my soul or I could repel those thoughts by employing 2 Corinthians 10:5 which says "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;"  Thank the Lord, I chose the latter.  I immediately turned to Philippians and just started saturating my mind with the Word.  I gave up my 'right' to dwell and instead surrendered to His plan to saturate my mind with that which is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, good report, virtuous, and worthy of praise.  Oh did that feel awesome!

Maybe you are in the same boat?  Are you being sucked down into a pit of thinking that isn't spiritually healthy?  Have you refused to let go of feelings that are hovering right over the pit of bitterness?  Is He calling you to partake in His promise of renewing your mind for better things?  Friend, I know your pain.

I wish I could say I employ this all of the time, but if you have spent anytime at all with me, you know this is an area of ongoing construction with me.  But for today, I will rejoice in His power to change me and my access to such power! Yep...my joy is not defined by circumstances!

Life keeps moving forward....

I so now understand when people say that when they are going through a particularly tough trial, it feels like they stop but life keeps moving at an ever maddening pace.  That was my day yesterday.  I just wanted to make all of life stop until I could completely process the news, put it in to some perspective, and then figure out how to move forward with it.  My sister got some more difficult news related to her diagnosis.  It sent me reeling.  I don't ever recall being in the mental fog I was experiencing. I literally went home, took my boots off, crawled into bed, pulled the covers up and passed out cold. Yeah, one of those kinds of days...

But today, I want it to be a different response to life...a life that He has given me that has been overly abundant with blessings!  One that has had far more awesome moments than disappointing ones.  One that needs to lived to it's capacity.  I want to do that for Jesus, because He deserves it for all that He has done for me.  I want to do that for Kelli who needs to be able to draw off of the strength He has given.  I want to do it because I want anyone who doesn't know or walk with Jesus to see just how incredible a life with Him is, especially in the difficult times.

Today, a wonderful friend and mentor who is dealing with their own personal hell called to check in, to offer some words, to extend some grace just when I needed it.  I am blessed!  I am choosing to worship Him today with an incredible song from one of my favorite bands.  Be blessed! 

Overwhelmed

I didn't realize just how quickly a slope can be when heading into a valley...and I think this one has been a free fall...without a parachute.  I think I have landed flat on my back on a ledge that is precariously teetering, threatening to tip at any moment and send me catapulting me deeper into the abyss.  Circumstances just keep coming out of no where.  Things that make absolutely no sense, that shouldn't be vying for my attention, yet they are.  I am angry about so many things today.  Let me be very clear... I am not mad at God.  I am just mad...at disease, at people, at myself.  And that's when He overwhelms me into knowing that He sees my hurt and he cares

...by sending a friend into my office who simply says, with tears in her eyes, that she understands and is here for me, and I now have a glimpse of what she felt when cancer hit her family.

....by sending a sweet new friend into my family's life who is making it her mission to encourage, fast and pray and God is using her in Kelli's life and my Mom's life to lift them up.

.... by a facebook message of another who has 'been there, done that' as an older sister of an ill sibling and her words were so encouraging and comforting.

...by the text of a friend saying they were praying and hoped I could feel it...and the answer is yes, I can!

...by the hug of a co-worker

...by the phone call of an inner circle Jesus girl who just listened to me unload my frustrations, gently guided me back to center with truth and love, and also made me laugh along the way.

...with worship music that reminds me that amidst that fallibility of us all, He is jealous over me, loves me beyond comprehension, and is willing to fight for me...for Kelli...for others that are in the raging storms of life right now.

Simply put... I am overwhelmed by His love.

The Phone Call

It's amazing how different  life can be in 7 days.  This time last week, I was hanging out with 50+ women from my church, singing praise music, getting in God's word, surrendering our hearts to Him.  Fast forward to January 25, 8:20 p.m. and I am sitting in a fog in my living room trying to process the past several hours.

Frankly, today has been awful.  I know that coming off of a "high" like a retreat brings the downhill slide.  The realities of daily living take their toll and you find yourself wondering what happened to that happy giddiness of seeing Him on the mountain.  I was prepped for it, and sure enough, it started on Monday.  Ministry 'issues' started to happen, leaving me worn out by evening, but knowing the this is the way the enemy works and I promised myself I wasn't going to be distracted by things that a) are really none of my business and b) really had no eternal value.  Then Wednesday, another ministry issue came...this one left me feeling like I'd been sucker punched.  This one had the potential to have an eternal impact. Ugh.  Top that all with me having a cold and let's just say that I was right on track for the opposition that I know comes.  Then today happened.  I was meeting with my pastor when I got the call.  The call that is a potential life changer. My sister Kelli is sick...with cancer.  As I listen to my Mom crying on the other end of the line, I could feel those hot tears welling up in me, but began feeling this almost out of body experience of this being a dream...too surreal to be true.  I couldn't comprehend.  I immediately felt myself go into 'Administrator' mode...that compartmentalizing way of processing that has helped me cope for over 20 years.  But this time, He wasn't allowing it.  Nope.  I got into my driveway and I literally fell apart.  I have only sobbed that hard (you know, the kind where you wail from your soul) a handful of times.  All of them have involved my family and two of them have been over Kelli.  This is the person who has known me longer than anyone else other than my parents.  We have history.  She is whom I credit with my salvation journey.  I immediately asked the Lord why it couldn't be me.  Now, it was a totally selfish request.  Yes, I don't want her to be ill but the truth is I can handle and process illness in myself far better than I can in those I love.  I hate not having control...having to surrender to Him.  Hmmm...surrender.  Retreat theme. Something that I claimed to be trying to do.  Something I taught on...God first...even over others.  Surrender.  How am I going to surrender in this case?  How am I going to see His goodness, His glory, His sovereignty when this is my sister?  He began to show me almost immediately how He was going to move...my family came together as the 'Clan' we can be and were all there for Kelli.  My church family was there for me... praying for us, hugs today, phone calls, texts, making me hot tea and letting me fall apart then praying with me, messages on fb, and a sweet drawing of hearts made for me by one of our sweet girls.  And Sherri...the steadfast best friend who is always there for my family, always ready to do whatever is needed, always the voice of reason.  My coworkers and former coworkers who sent texts and emails today.  And even humor....my dog hasn't been feeling the best and is hobbling around.  She got sick when I got home tonight, so I took her to the vet.  What started out as a routine "let's make sure nothing is broke" exam became a several blood test episode with the vet telling me that Coco may have some blood disorder.  Now, Dr. Weech is a very direct, lay out your options kind of guy and I appreciate it...most of the time.  Today, not so much.  He tells me this in the front lobby of the office and of course, I break down.  I am not talking just a bit of weeping, but a full blown snot ball bawling mess.  Oh, and did I mention that there were other people in the waiting room??!! Yep, I fell apart and this poor guy is trying to calm me down and telling me that it's treatable, and he isn't sure it's that bad.  When I finally could compose myself, I shared with him that today just sucked because of my sister's diagnosis.  That poor guy.  You could tell he felt so bad, but didn't know quite how to deal with this emotionally out of control woman. (Sherri and I just got a great howling laugh as I read this to her! Ah, laughter and tears are a wonderful thing!!)  Then the gift of recall...the worship song 'Blessed Be Your Name' has been on my mind all evening...



Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

 

No, I am not even close to being super spiritual...just clinging to the only One who makes sense in this whole thing while I am moving into the valley...to be continued....


Surrender - The Next Day

 

What a weekend!  So much energy was expended by so many and I pray that all who were 'busy' during our retreat were able to take moments with the Lord just to hear his voice.  Maybe it was in table discussions, or speakers, or worship in music or prayer.  Or maybe it was in a few stolen moments of quiet that you were able to open the Word and soak in His voice talking just to you...no clanging going on in your ears (Thank you, Kari, for a great visual for me!).  For those who were ministered to this weekend, thank you for showing up and anticipating to hear from Him...you blessed those who have worked diligently, prayed without ceasing, gave their all for His glory. 

 

I know for me, the Lord and I were in a battle for my will this weekend.  As I shared with the sweet friends at the morning table discussion, I spent a lot of Friday night, in the dark quiet of my bed relinquishing control for so many things and hating every minute of fighting the battle between my selfish desires (my flesh) and my desire to please the Lord with all that I am.  As I sat broken on Sat. morning, He showed up, put His arms around me like a Daddy does for his girl, and spoke Psalm 145:8 to my heart ~ The Lord is gracious, and full of compassion: slow to anger, and of great mercy.  He so gets what my heart needs at every moment!  He forgave me for my multiple shortcomings confessed (AGAIN!) to Him in Hickory Lodge and reassured me that He will help as Psalm 144:2 tells me.  And yes, I made some commitments to Him during this weekend...as did many of you from the stories that you have told me.  Now is the next day, friends.  Time that we come back down off the mountain, into the dailies of our life where commitments made this weekend collide with the realities of our lives.  So, the question that will come very quickly is...Did you mean it?  When you  told Jesus that you want to change, did you mean it?  What are you going to do with "it" now...you know, that thing that He and you agreed needed to change/ be eliminated/be added?

 

God knows the battles that will ensue...and they will come, make no mistake.  You must lean into Him, His Word and His "Jesus girls".  There is nothing more dangerous than entering a battle unarmed and alone.  I have included an incredible clip from the movie "Courageous" that sums this up so much better than I can.  Pay close attention beginning at the 2:40 mark in this clip!  I love you, my sisters!