My life has been oddly different for the past couple of months. This extroverted, opinionated woman has found a need at the depths of my soul to be quiet. To listen more and talk less. To seek the solace and quietness of my home. To not be in the midst of crazy scheduling that being involved in a host of ministries/organizations/relationships/activities bring. I'll admit, at first I thought I was going through a depression or some passive aggressive notion where I disliked being around people. Then I thought I was just being rebellious. I'm not used to pulling back the reigns and separating myself from the crowds. Normally, I'm energized by people, but honestly I have felt myself drained by them. As I kept pleading to the Lord to CHANGE ME back into the person I was, there was seemingly no response from Him. Then one night after our annual conference at church ended and as I laid in bed meditating over all I had heard that week, it dawned on me. This dry time was from the One who loves me most. The Lord wasn't satisfied with my superficial knowledge of Him and therefore, He wasn't going to allow me to be satisfied with the status quo our relationship had become. I laid there thinking of all I have seen Him do, the fact that He wanted me to know Him so deeply that HE PURSUED ME into a wild love relationship with Him, that He wants me to know Him so intimately that HE GAVE ME an unending volume of His word that shows me nuances to His character every time I make the effort to read it. I have seen Him change lives in such dramatic ways because HE LOVES.
This was verified by something that one of the speakers had said the next day. In paraphrase, he stated that we cannot know who we are in Christ until we really know who Christ is. God usually has to say it a couple of time for me to get on the clue bus. I've been spending so much time looking for the personal application to my time in the Word that I have totally missed the PURPOSE for being in the Word...to simply KNOW HIM. Yes, there is personal application and systems for living our lives found all throughout the word, but seriously, this is the one place that gives me insight into the very being of God Himself. How have I missed that simple truth all of these years? What is so ironic about all of this is the number of close friends I have spoken with about this very thing... that we spend so much time doing, being task oriented, trying to prove our faith, that we neglect the very foundation of the whole reason for our faith ~ a PERSONAL relationship with Jesus.
Since that night? My time in the Bible has been nothing short of amazing. I see things about Jesus I never realized before...I was too busy thinking about me instead of searching for Him. I went to our prayer night last night and it was one of the best I'd ever been to...because I was in sync with my Savior. No bells and whistles... just being in one accord with Jesus.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Authority=Responsibility
James 3:1-2 My brethren, be not many masters,knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation. For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.
We studied this passage a couple of weeks ago in Unite, but it is still resonating with me. Perhaps because I have spent some in depth time in the Proverbs as I have felt the need for deeper wisdom and conviction in my life. While this passage is talking mainly about teachers of God's Word, I firmly believe that it's application relevant to anyone in a position of influence, authority or leadership. Truthfully, I believe those of us in authority/leadership are woefully lacking in this most important discipline ~ control of our words.
I have witnessed several examples of this over the past few weeks. On a national and local level, people in positions of authority (and by default for most of them - positions of leadership)have been spewing their 'spin' on everything from the economy to H1N1 with little factual data to support their opinion. Of course, when confronted, they simply say it is their 'right' to have freedom of speech. When did we lose that fact that with 'rights' come responsibilities? When did it become the acceptable way for a person with authority to somehow neglect the fact that with that power comes much responsibility to do the right thing...which can often mean to say nothing at all? I am so frustrated with people who want the power but then lay the blame on others when things don't go as they claimed it would. Oh, what a breath of fresh air would be the leader who actually lives out the principle of 'the buck stops here'!!
Now, there are many who have less nefarious ways and simply get caught up in the moment, say things they wish they hadn't, or who truly do not realize their influence and the ramifications their words have. I have seen words said in jest affect lives in dramatically negative ways. Over the past couple of weeks I have notice a progressive regression in my ability to control what comes out of my mouth. Flippant, sarcastic, divisive words seem to pour out of my lips with ease. I have witnessed it reduce my effectiveness and credibility with those I am charged to lead. Several times I have found myself appalled and devastated at my lack of discipline. I know it's a heart issue and one that My Savior is more than capable of eradicating from my life.
Heavenly Father... I need You and know that I cannot effectively lead without your Word and Spirit flowing through my heart, mind and ultimately my words.
We studied this passage a couple of weeks ago in Unite, but it is still resonating with me. Perhaps because I have spent some in depth time in the Proverbs as I have felt the need for deeper wisdom and conviction in my life. While this passage is talking mainly about teachers of God's Word, I firmly believe that it's application relevant to anyone in a position of influence, authority or leadership. Truthfully, I believe those of us in authority/leadership are woefully lacking in this most important discipline ~ control of our words.
I have witnessed several examples of this over the past few weeks. On a national and local level, people in positions of authority (and by default for most of them - positions of leadership)have been spewing their 'spin' on everything from the economy to H1N1 with little factual data to support their opinion. Of course, when confronted, they simply say it is their 'right' to have freedom of speech. When did we lose that fact that with 'rights' come responsibilities? When did it become the acceptable way for a person with authority to somehow neglect the fact that with that power comes much responsibility to do the right thing...which can often mean to say nothing at all? I am so frustrated with people who want the power but then lay the blame on others when things don't go as they claimed it would. Oh, what a breath of fresh air would be the leader who actually lives out the principle of 'the buck stops here'!!
Now, there are many who have less nefarious ways and simply get caught up in the moment, say things they wish they hadn't, or who truly do not realize their influence and the ramifications their words have. I have seen words said in jest affect lives in dramatically negative ways. Over the past couple of weeks I have notice a progressive regression in my ability to control what comes out of my mouth. Flippant, sarcastic, divisive words seem to pour out of my lips with ease. I have witnessed it reduce my effectiveness and credibility with those I am charged to lead. Several times I have found myself appalled and devastated at my lack of discipline. I know it's a heart issue and one that My Savior is more than capable of eradicating from my life.
Heavenly Father... I need You and know that I cannot effectively lead without your Word and Spirit flowing through my heart, mind and ultimately my words.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Coco
Today my puppy had surgery on her knee. After several years of frolicking with her boyfriend, Shadow; a near stomping from a horse and a wild cat chase at the neighbors, her back knee finally had taken all the stress it could stand. With the prognosis not good without surgery, I sat trying to decide which option was the best choice for her quality of life and which option was the best steward of the money the Lord has provided me. What has been the most interesting thing through all of this process is the deep seeded feelings I have for my dog. Yep, I am one of those crazy dog lovers and here is why.... she teaches me so much. Now, before you say I've went off the deep end, think about these ideas for a moment:
Love: My precious pup LOVES me. Without compromise, without doubt, without reservation. Oh how I wish I could love like she does! I wish I could love my Master with abandon as she does me. When my day has been less than wonderful, walking in the door to find her sitting on the sofa, wagging her tail in excitement to see me erases so much of the stress I often carry.
Focus: Coco's one desire in life is to please me. Yes, she reponds with spastic pleasure to a few of my friends, but I am the Alpha in her life. It is my heart's desire to have Jesus be the one to please in my life. I admit, I lose focus in this area all too often. Coco's daily reminder of this principle helps me readjust my vision.
True companionship: The diva dog is my friend. That may sound odd, but she provides forgiveness when I'm grumpy and snap at her, the benefit of the doubt when I've been less than attentive, a compassionate precence when I'm upset and need attention, a fierce defender when danger looms, and a playful, goofy attitude when I need to laugh. I wish I were half as good a friend to my human ones as she is to me!
Simplicity: The best lesson I've learned from Coco is to keep life simple. She enjoys just being where I am, or investigating what's been hanging out in the yard, or trying to make new friends with the cats, squirrels, deer or whatever critter is in her sight. It takes little to entertain her, but her heart always comes back to knowing where I am, where I'm moving, what I'm doing and being a part of it. A dear friend of mine made a simply profound statement a few years back. We were talking of all the issues of ministry and Christianity, and he said, "We just need to love Jesus and get on with it." That has resonated with me since he said it. How simply, but wisely put! If I love Him, I will know where He is, where He's moving and what He is doing. I will want to be a part of Him. My deepest desire is to love Jesus and get on with it!
Thank you Father, for blessing my life with Coco. She's a gift that You have used to teach me some simple, yet profound lessons.
Love: My precious pup LOVES me. Without compromise, without doubt, without reservation. Oh how I wish I could love like she does! I wish I could love my Master with abandon as she does me. When my day has been less than wonderful, walking in the door to find her sitting on the sofa, wagging her tail in excitement to see me erases so much of the stress I often carry.
Focus: Coco's one desire in life is to please me. Yes, she reponds with spastic pleasure to a few of my friends, but I am the Alpha in her life. It is my heart's desire to have Jesus be the one to please in my life. I admit, I lose focus in this area all too often. Coco's daily reminder of this principle helps me readjust my vision.
True companionship: The diva dog is my friend. That may sound odd, but she provides forgiveness when I'm grumpy and snap at her, the benefit of the doubt when I've been less than attentive, a compassionate precence when I'm upset and need attention, a fierce defender when danger looms, and a playful, goofy attitude when I need to laugh. I wish I were half as good a friend to my human ones as she is to me!
Simplicity: The best lesson I've learned from Coco is to keep life simple. She enjoys just being where I am, or investigating what's been hanging out in the yard, or trying to make new friends with the cats, squirrels, deer or whatever critter is in her sight. It takes little to entertain her, but her heart always comes back to knowing where I am, where I'm moving, what I'm doing and being a part of it. A dear friend of mine made a simply profound statement a few years back. We were talking of all the issues of ministry and Christianity, and he said, "We just need to love Jesus and get on with it." That has resonated with me since he said it. How simply, but wisely put! If I love Him, I will know where He is, where He's moving and what He is doing. I will want to be a part of Him. My deepest desire is to love Jesus and get on with it!
Thank you Father, for blessing my life with Coco. She's a gift that You have used to teach me some simple, yet profound lessons.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Is it I?
This week for our UNiTE reading, we've been finishing up the book of Matthew. I've spent some time just meditating on the death of Jesus and all that surrounded that account in Matthew 26 - 28. What has captured my attention is the response of those around Him...their humanness in a situation that cannot be compared to any other in history... how much I can relate to them.
I read about the disciples during that time. These men had spent an inordinate amount of time with Jesus, yet they still dwelled in the darkness of doubt. When Jesus told that one of them would betray Him, they all questioned, "Lord, is it I?" I think of me at that moment. Like the disciples, I know the doubt, unbelief, lack of faith that lurks in my soul. I too have wondered, "Is it I?" There is no doubt that I would have responded as they did.
Then there was Peter. I love Peter...because I can so easily relate to him. Like the passionate preacher, I too can declare my loyalty and affinity for a man, only to deny him in the next minute. We run high on emotion and low on discernment at times. Oh, we wholeheartedly believe that we will battle til the bitter end, finding the process of the battle wearying and frightening. We often draw the sword haphazardly swinging at anyone in our path, forgetting that He doesn't need us to fight battles for Him. And we weep bitterly, often to the depths of our souls, when we know we've let Him down.
With all of this humanness, I can't help but be overwhelmingly encouraged by one thing ~ the love of our Lord towards us. He knew what was going to happen, yet He still spent His last moments on earth loving without reservation. He still willingly went to that cross to take on my sin, my shame, my disappointing rejection of Him and His plan. He still put Himself in subjection to His Father, knowing that He would transcend to the depths of hell and be momentarily separated from the One with whom He had spent eternity past. It is here that I ask myself two questions... how can anyone reject that depth of love? and What am I doing to share that kind of love with those who don't know Him?
I read about the disciples during that time. These men had spent an inordinate amount of time with Jesus, yet they still dwelled in the darkness of doubt. When Jesus told that one of them would betray Him, they all questioned, "Lord, is it I?" I think of me at that moment. Like the disciples, I know the doubt, unbelief, lack of faith that lurks in my soul. I too have wondered, "Is it I?" There is no doubt that I would have responded as they did.
Then there was Peter. I love Peter...because I can so easily relate to him. Like the passionate preacher, I too can declare my loyalty and affinity for a man, only to deny him in the next minute. We run high on emotion and low on discernment at times. Oh, we wholeheartedly believe that we will battle til the bitter end, finding the process of the battle wearying and frightening. We often draw the sword haphazardly swinging at anyone in our path, forgetting that He doesn't need us to fight battles for Him. And we weep bitterly, often to the depths of our souls, when we know we've let Him down.
With all of this humanness, I can't help but be overwhelmingly encouraged by one thing ~ the love of our Lord towards us. He knew what was going to happen, yet He still spent His last moments on earth loving without reservation. He still willingly went to that cross to take on my sin, my shame, my disappointing rejection of Him and His plan. He still put Himself in subjection to His Father, knowing that He would transcend to the depths of hell and be momentarily separated from the One with whom He had spent eternity past. It is here that I ask myself two questions... how can anyone reject that depth of love? and What am I doing to share that kind of love with those who don't know Him?
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Other Side
I hate confrontation. Of course, I don't know anyone who really enjoys it. I hate having to humble myself and 'come clean' with bad attitudes or selfish motives. But oh do I love the outcome...the other side.
This past week I had two such incidents ~ one that I initiated and one I didn't. Both involve believers who are very dear to me and bring a depth to my walk that I covet. What I loved about the difficulty of this time spent with both of them was the common bond I find when believers who want to truly please the Lord have when dealing with problems. The ministry of reconciliation. In both instances, all parties involved did what is commanded in James...we were quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. We all really listened to what the other was saying. We respected the convictions the other held. We all realized that being right with the Lord was more important than holding onto any 'rights' we may think is owed us. It was humbling, to say the least. It was tough knowing I had caused heartache in someone that I love. It was hard to shed tears and be vulnerable. Yet, it was beyond worth all of those feelings I felt. My respect for all involved deepened in a way that just would not have happened in any other manner. I got to see one brother hold tight to convictions when I disagreed... and I deeply respect and honor a man who has the courage to stand for what he believes in! Because the Lord allowed us the chance to go through this trying time, my friend probably will never know the depths I will now go to defend his reputation. In the other instance, a brother spoke to me about the distance between his wife and I and how because she was hurt, he was angry. He apologized for his anger towards me, but his leadership in dealing with the situation was the precipitant needed for the two of us women to get right with each other. (p.s. I may be a 1950's woman at heart, but I LOVE the fact that he loves his wife so much that he will do what it takes to help her grow...both in leading by example and wanting to be her protector ~ woohooo!!)
Now sitting on the other side of those scenarios, I see my Awesome Savior's fingerprints all over them... the breaking of wills, the growth in all of us over the years that needed to take place, and the resulting joy of knowing that while difficulties came, we worked through them to bring Him glory. I'm not here to say that this is always the way it works because, if we are honest, we don't always want reconciliation. Sometimes we just want to be right, or we want to wallow in self pity, or we don't want to humble ourselves...the excuses are many but the reason is the same ~ we don't want what God wants.
Thank you, Father, for breaking me, humbling me, and allowing me to see this the way You do. Thank you for amazing brothers and sisters who are like minded and love You more than themselves!
This past week I had two such incidents ~ one that I initiated and one I didn't. Both involve believers who are very dear to me and bring a depth to my walk that I covet. What I loved about the difficulty of this time spent with both of them was the common bond I find when believers who want to truly please the Lord have when dealing with problems. The ministry of reconciliation. In both instances, all parties involved did what is commanded in James...we were quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. We all really listened to what the other was saying. We respected the convictions the other held. We all realized that being right with the Lord was more important than holding onto any 'rights' we may think is owed us. It was humbling, to say the least. It was tough knowing I had caused heartache in someone that I love. It was hard to shed tears and be vulnerable. Yet, it was beyond worth all of those feelings I felt. My respect for all involved deepened in a way that just would not have happened in any other manner. I got to see one brother hold tight to convictions when I disagreed... and I deeply respect and honor a man who has the courage to stand for what he believes in! Because the Lord allowed us the chance to go through this trying time, my friend probably will never know the depths I will now go to defend his reputation. In the other instance, a brother spoke to me about the distance between his wife and I and how because she was hurt, he was angry. He apologized for his anger towards me, but his leadership in dealing with the situation was the precipitant needed for the two of us women to get right with each other. (p.s. I may be a 1950's woman at heart, but I LOVE the fact that he loves his wife so much that he will do what it takes to help her grow...both in leading by example and wanting to be her protector ~ woohooo!!)
Now sitting on the other side of those scenarios, I see my Awesome Savior's fingerprints all over them... the breaking of wills, the growth in all of us over the years that needed to take place, and the resulting joy of knowing that while difficulties came, we worked through them to bring Him glory. I'm not here to say that this is always the way it works because, if we are honest, we don't always want reconciliation. Sometimes we just want to be right, or we want to wallow in self pity, or we don't want to humble ourselves...the excuses are many but the reason is the same ~ we don't want what God wants.
Thank you, Father, for breaking me, humbling me, and allowing me to see this the way You do. Thank you for amazing brothers and sisters who are like minded and love You more than themselves!
Monday, September 14, 2009
The past
Last week I received an invitation for my college homecoming reunion. One part of the packet was a bio sheet the college asked to be filled out for a 'reunion' booklet. One question had me thinking long and hard....'What is your most memorable college moment". Hmmmm, that was an impossible question for me to answer. I didn't really have any fantastic moments while at this particular college. In fact, I would say the two years I spent there were two of the most difficult years of my life. It was a time rife with rebellion, poor decisions, heartache and utter selfishness. I have absolutely no spiritual fruit to show from that time and a bunch of 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' regrets.
But I don't despair. Nope, while I do wish I had a different story to tell, God is still able to bring beauty out of those ashes. He has given me a love for that age of young people that is passionate and strong. He has given me a purpose in using my abilities, home and ministry opportunities to give them a place of refuge to recharge their spiritual batteries, a respite from the world that assaults them at every front on that campus, ministry events to help them stretch spiritually, or a friend who will listen as they work through the growing pains that comes with independence and decision making.
I am thankful that God doesn't dwell on my past, but can use it to bring Him glory and honor in the present and for all eternity.
But I don't despair. Nope, while I do wish I had a different story to tell, God is still able to bring beauty out of those ashes. He has given me a love for that age of young people that is passionate and strong. He has given me a purpose in using my abilities, home and ministry opportunities to give them a place of refuge to recharge their spiritual batteries, a respite from the world that assaults them at every front on that campus, ministry events to help them stretch spiritually, or a friend who will listen as they work through the growing pains that comes with independence and decision making.
I am thankful that God doesn't dwell on my past, but can use it to bring Him glory and honor in the present and for all eternity.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Aha Moment
I love 'aha moments' by God. I think because they happen so infrequently and they usually impact my life in a (hopefully)changing way. I had such a moment today...
It actually began last weekend when I was discussing a relationship situation with which I'd been struggling. I was discussing how I was actually relieved that I didn't have to deal with a particular issue, when my friend made a comment that struck me. He said, "You know that when she comes back broken, you will welcome her back and try to help because that's what you do". I immediately became defensive and said I wouldn't, to which he disagreed and pointed out that this is how I normally respond to broken people. As I thought about that conversation this past week, I've come to the conclusion that my defensiveness was a derivative of my desire not to be seen as a weak woman. Somewhere along the path of living in this world, I've ignorantly bought into the lie that in order to be strong, I can't be soft, loving and kind. I've dementedly processed strength in a woman as being in your face, aggressive, man-like. I've wrongly believed that I have to cut relationships off in order to protect myself. Funny thing... I can find none of this in the Word of God. Oh, there are the admonitions to guard your heart, to be wise in choosing your friends, etc. But nothing about taking a 'be done with you' mantra towards people that Jesus loves just as much as He loves me. He calls me to be his hands and feet. He calls me to help restore. He calls me to love others as myself. This came full circle today and the aha moment has come. My grandma was admitted to the nursing home where I used to work yesterday. This was unbelievably difficult for my mom and her sisters to do and Grandma hasn't accepted it too well. Honestly, my grandma and I have had pretty much a non relationship for the past 30 years. We've never been close and much ugliness has went on in the family for many more years than I've been alive. In talking with Mom yesterday, I knew that there was a hope that I would go visit and check on Grandma since I now work in the building next door. I'd decided that I would do it for Mom...not for Grandma. So, I went a bought some candy for her and took it over today. As I bent down to re-introduce myself to her, the overwhelming love that came upon me was almost more than I could take. There sat this frail, confused woman that is a part of who I am. Fortunately, she recognized me and we had a great time reconnecting and laughing with the staff that I've come to love as well. It was at that moment that I realized that while she's not been the warm, loving, giving grandma I'd always wanted, I intend to be the most loving, kind, soft, warm granddaughter to her that I can be. As I walked back to my office, the joy that I felt was amazing. Oh, I wasn't proud of my decision... I was thrilled that the Lord has changed me so much that I can forgive the past and love in the present. So, yes, I am a soft, loving, forgiving woman... and that's what I intend to become even better at! Thanks, Jesus, for the 'aha moment'!
It actually began last weekend when I was discussing a relationship situation with which I'd been struggling. I was discussing how I was actually relieved that I didn't have to deal with a particular issue, when my friend made a comment that struck me. He said, "You know that when she comes back broken, you will welcome her back and try to help because that's what you do". I immediately became defensive and said I wouldn't, to which he disagreed and pointed out that this is how I normally respond to broken people. As I thought about that conversation this past week, I've come to the conclusion that my defensiveness was a derivative of my desire not to be seen as a weak woman. Somewhere along the path of living in this world, I've ignorantly bought into the lie that in order to be strong, I can't be soft, loving and kind. I've dementedly processed strength in a woman as being in your face, aggressive, man-like. I've wrongly believed that I have to cut relationships off in order to protect myself. Funny thing... I can find none of this in the Word of God. Oh, there are the admonitions to guard your heart, to be wise in choosing your friends, etc. But nothing about taking a 'be done with you' mantra towards people that Jesus loves just as much as He loves me. He calls me to be his hands and feet. He calls me to help restore. He calls me to love others as myself. This came full circle today and the aha moment has come. My grandma was admitted to the nursing home where I used to work yesterday. This was unbelievably difficult for my mom and her sisters to do and Grandma hasn't accepted it too well. Honestly, my grandma and I have had pretty much a non relationship for the past 30 years. We've never been close and much ugliness has went on in the family for many more years than I've been alive. In talking with Mom yesterday, I knew that there was a hope that I would go visit and check on Grandma since I now work in the building next door. I'd decided that I would do it for Mom...not for Grandma. So, I went a bought some candy for her and took it over today. As I bent down to re-introduce myself to her, the overwhelming love that came upon me was almost more than I could take. There sat this frail, confused woman that is a part of who I am. Fortunately, she recognized me and we had a great time reconnecting and laughing with the staff that I've come to love as well. It was at that moment that I realized that while she's not been the warm, loving, giving grandma I'd always wanted, I intend to be the most loving, kind, soft, warm granddaughter to her that I can be. As I walked back to my office, the joy that I felt was amazing. Oh, I wasn't proud of my decision... I was thrilled that the Lord has changed me so much that I can forgive the past and love in the present. So, yes, I am a soft, loving, forgiving woman... and that's what I intend to become even better at! Thanks, Jesus, for the 'aha moment'!
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