Life keeps moving forward....

I so now understand when people say that when they are going through a particularly tough trial, it feels like they stop but life keeps moving at an ever maddening pace.  That was my day yesterday.  I just wanted to make all of life stop until I could completely process the news, put it in to some perspective, and then figure out how to move forward with it.  My sister got some more difficult news related to her diagnosis.  It sent me reeling.  I don't ever recall being in the mental fog I was experiencing. I literally went home, took my boots off, crawled into bed, pulled the covers up and passed out cold. Yeah, one of those kinds of days...

But today, I want it to be a different response to life...a life that He has given me that has been overly abundant with blessings!  One that has had far more awesome moments than disappointing ones.  One that needs to lived to it's capacity.  I want to do that for Jesus, because He deserves it for all that He has done for me.  I want to do that for Kelli who needs to be able to draw off of the strength He has given.  I want to do it because I want anyone who doesn't know or walk with Jesus to see just how incredible a life with Him is, especially in the difficult times.

Today, a wonderful friend and mentor who is dealing with their own personal hell called to check in, to offer some words, to extend some grace just when I needed it.  I am blessed!  I am choosing to worship Him today with an incredible song from one of my favorite bands.  Be blessed! 

Overwhelmed

I didn't realize just how quickly a slope can be when heading into a valley...and I think this one has been a free fall...without a parachute.  I think I have landed flat on my back on a ledge that is precariously teetering, threatening to tip at any moment and send me catapulting me deeper into the abyss.  Circumstances just keep coming out of no where.  Things that make absolutely no sense, that shouldn't be vying for my attention, yet they are.  I am angry about so many things today.  Let me be very clear... I am not mad at God.  I am just mad...at disease, at people, at myself.  And that's when He overwhelms me into knowing that He sees my hurt and he cares

...by sending a friend into my office who simply says, with tears in her eyes, that she understands and is here for me, and I now have a glimpse of what she felt when cancer hit her family.

....by sending a sweet new friend into my family's life who is making it her mission to encourage, fast and pray and God is using her in Kelli's life and my Mom's life to lift them up.

.... by a facebook message of another who has 'been there, done that' as an older sister of an ill sibling and her words were so encouraging and comforting.

...by the text of a friend saying they were praying and hoped I could feel it...and the answer is yes, I can!

...by the hug of a co-worker

...by the phone call of an inner circle Jesus girl who just listened to me unload my frustrations, gently guided me back to center with truth and love, and also made me laugh along the way.

...with worship music that reminds me that amidst that fallibility of us all, He is jealous over me, loves me beyond comprehension, and is willing to fight for me...for Kelli...for others that are in the raging storms of life right now.

Simply put... I am overwhelmed by His love.

The Phone Call

It's amazing how different  life can be in 7 days.  This time last week, I was hanging out with 50+ women from my church, singing praise music, getting in God's word, surrendering our hearts to Him.  Fast forward to January 25, 8:20 p.m. and I am sitting in a fog in my living room trying to process the past several hours.

Frankly, today has been awful.  I know that coming off of a "high" like a retreat brings the downhill slide.  The realities of daily living take their toll and you find yourself wondering what happened to that happy giddiness of seeing Him on the mountain.  I was prepped for it, and sure enough, it started on Monday.  Ministry 'issues' started to happen, leaving me worn out by evening, but knowing the this is the way the enemy works and I promised myself I wasn't going to be distracted by things that a) are really none of my business and b) really had no eternal value.  Then Wednesday, another ministry issue came...this one left me feeling like I'd been sucker punched.  This one had the potential to have an eternal impact. Ugh.  Top that all with me having a cold and let's just say that I was right on track for the opposition that I know comes.  Then today happened.  I was meeting with my pastor when I got the call.  The call that is a potential life changer. My sister Kelli is sick...with cancer.  As I listen to my Mom crying on the other end of the line, I could feel those hot tears welling up in me, but began feeling this almost out of body experience of this being a dream...too surreal to be true.  I couldn't comprehend.  I immediately felt myself go into 'Administrator' mode...that compartmentalizing way of processing that has helped me cope for over 20 years.  But this time, He wasn't allowing it.  Nope.  I got into my driveway and I literally fell apart.  I have only sobbed that hard (you know, the kind where you wail from your soul) a handful of times.  All of them have involved my family and two of them have been over Kelli.  This is the person who has known me longer than anyone else other than my parents.  We have history.  She is whom I credit with my salvation journey.  I immediately asked the Lord why it couldn't be me.  Now, it was a totally selfish request.  Yes, I don't want her to be ill but the truth is I can handle and process illness in myself far better than I can in those I love.  I hate not having control...having to surrender to Him.  Hmmm...surrender.  Retreat theme. Something that I claimed to be trying to do.  Something I taught on...God first...even over others.  Surrender.  How am I going to surrender in this case?  How am I going to see His goodness, His glory, His sovereignty when this is my sister?  He began to show me almost immediately how He was going to move...my family came together as the 'Clan' we can be and were all there for Kelli.  My church family was there for me... praying for us, hugs today, phone calls, texts, making me hot tea and letting me fall apart then praying with me, messages on fb, and a sweet drawing of hearts made for me by one of our sweet girls.  And Sherri...the steadfast best friend who is always there for my family, always ready to do whatever is needed, always the voice of reason.  My coworkers and former coworkers who sent texts and emails today.  And even humor....my dog hasn't been feeling the best and is hobbling around.  She got sick when I got home tonight, so I took her to the vet.  What started out as a routine "let's make sure nothing is broke" exam became a several blood test episode with the vet telling me that Coco may have some blood disorder.  Now, Dr. Weech is a very direct, lay out your options kind of guy and I appreciate it...most of the time.  Today, not so much.  He tells me this in the front lobby of the office and of course, I break down.  I am not talking just a bit of weeping, but a full blown snot ball bawling mess.  Oh, and did I mention that there were other people in the waiting room??!! Yep, I fell apart and this poor guy is trying to calm me down and telling me that it's treatable, and he isn't sure it's that bad.  When I finally could compose myself, I shared with him that today just sucked because of my sister's diagnosis.  That poor guy.  You could tell he felt so bad, but didn't know quite how to deal with this emotionally out of control woman. (Sherri and I just got a great howling laugh as I read this to her! Ah, laughter and tears are a wonderful thing!!)  Then the gift of recall...the worship song 'Blessed Be Your Name' has been on my mind all evening...



Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

 

No, I am not even close to being super spiritual...just clinging to the only One who makes sense in this whole thing while I am moving into the valley...to be continued....


Surrender - The Next Day

 

What a weekend!  So much energy was expended by so many and I pray that all who were 'busy' during our retreat were able to take moments with the Lord just to hear his voice.  Maybe it was in table discussions, or speakers, or worship in music or prayer.  Or maybe it was in a few stolen moments of quiet that you were able to open the Word and soak in His voice talking just to you...no clanging going on in your ears (Thank you, Kari, for a great visual for me!).  For those who were ministered to this weekend, thank you for showing up and anticipating to hear from Him...you blessed those who have worked diligently, prayed without ceasing, gave their all for His glory. 

 

I know for me, the Lord and I were in a battle for my will this weekend.  As I shared with the sweet friends at the morning table discussion, I spent a lot of Friday night, in the dark quiet of my bed relinquishing control for so many things and hating every minute of fighting the battle between my selfish desires (my flesh) and my desire to please the Lord with all that I am.  As I sat broken on Sat. morning, He showed up, put His arms around me like a Daddy does for his girl, and spoke Psalm 145:8 to my heart ~ The Lord is gracious, and full of compassion: slow to anger, and of great mercy.  He so gets what my heart needs at every moment!  He forgave me for my multiple shortcomings confessed (AGAIN!) to Him in Hickory Lodge and reassured me that He will help as Psalm 144:2 tells me.  And yes, I made some commitments to Him during this weekend...as did many of you from the stories that you have told me.  Now is the next day, friends.  Time that we come back down off the mountain, into the dailies of our life where commitments made this weekend collide with the realities of our lives.  So, the question that will come very quickly is...Did you mean it?  When you  told Jesus that you want to change, did you mean it?  What are you going to do with "it" now...you know, that thing that He and you agreed needed to change/ be eliminated/be added?

 

God knows the battles that will ensue...and they will come, make no mistake.  You must lean into Him, His Word and His "Jesus girls".  There is nothing more dangerous than entering a battle unarmed and alone.  I have included an incredible clip from the movie "Courageous" that sums this up so much better than I can.  Pay close attention beginning at the 2:40 mark in this clip!  I love you, my sisters!

 

 

 

Contemplating Chaqueta

One of my least favorite attributes is my mouth.  No, not it specifically, but my lack of control over my tongue.  The Lord has been working on me for a very, very long time over this matter and while I have had some success, I still have an epic failure now and again.  Unfortunately, the ease of whipping out a status on Facebook magnifies this problem for me.  Couple those things with the fact that I have been dealing with one testing after another this week and I am tired...it's just a recipe for disaster where my tongue is concerned.  I have learned that I am far wiser to contemplate a response by weaving it through scripture and after a good night's rest.  Which brings me to Chaqueta...

I made a status remark yesterday about a girl who works at Walmart whose attitude I was bothered by.  I called her out by name and made a comment about her apparent (to me) lack of work ethic and customer service skills.  A while after posting, my cousin Lisa responded with a different viewpoint.  I was thinking about this status as I was getting ready for church this morning and was feeling a bit convicted as I went into worship this morning.  I spent the time in worship asking the Lord to forgive me because my post about this girl's attitude wasn't kind, wasn't necessarily truthful, and it certainly wasn't necessary.  I try to live by those three guides when I speak, but admittedly struggle, and this time failed.  It wasn't kind to call Chaqueta out at all, much less by her name.  While I was irritated by her less than enthusiastic manner, I have no clue what this girl had been dealing with all day, how she had been treated, or what may have transpired in her life recently.  I know all to often when I am dealing with a difficult situation, I am distracted, less than jovial, and sometimes down right wretched to people.  I also now understand that my irritation at people had been building for a few days, and instead of dealing with those who were really irritating me, I took it out via Facebook on someone who couldn't defend herself.  How pathetic of me...and how very sorry I am for doing that.

A little bit ago, I read another post from Amy on my status talking about Chaqueta.  I find myself really ashamed of my behavior.  Instead of being like Jesus, I was all Carla in that instance.  Lesson learned...yet again.

Be careful what you wish for...

And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15

I have to confess that I get excited when a verse leaps off the page and smack into the middle of my life, as Psalm 106:15 did today.  I have read the book of Psalms more than a few times and do not ever recall even reading this verse.  God's like that...always delivering either when I need it, or as in today's case, when I can fully grasp the teaching because I've been there.

The backdrop to this verse is the psalmist talking about God's mercy in light of Israel's sinning.  The Lord had been so gracious to Israel, saving them from their enemies, performing miracles to show them just how precious they are to Him, and forgiving them repeatedly for their sin of living life on their own terms and contrary to His plan.

Oh, how I can relate to them.  Far too often, I have decided to chart my own course in a situation, at best throwing up a prayer, or at worst, forging ahead and then whining to Him about the outcome.  And like He did for Israel, He gave me my request.  Yep, gave me exactly what I asked for, even though it wasn't His best for me.  And then came the leanness into my soul.  Strong's concordance describes this leanness as "less than it ought to be".  Frankly, it is one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced...far worse than the conviction of sin.  It's empty and lonely.  It made me feel a sadness to the depths of which I'd never experienced.  It was awful.  I am certain that it is equally as difficult for Jesus to have watched me endure that time in my life.  He kept saying wait, but I wouldn't.  He kept trying to tell me through His word and counsel of godly men and women that the result was not going to be good.  Still, I resisted, insisting that I knew what was best. I was so foolish.

So how about you?  Is there something you are asking for or pursuing that you know He isn't on board with or is asking you to wait on? Please listen to Him.  Don't be the fool that I was!

Today, I am so thankful for this verse!  It explains so much to me, it comforts me, it reminds me and encourages me to continue to counsel others to avoid this result.  Father, thank you!!!!!

Behaving myself...

I will behave myself wisely in a perfect way. O when wilt thou come unto me? I will walk within my house with a perfect heart. Psalm 101:2

Oh, the task of behaving myself wisely.  This battle between flesh and spirit is frustrating.  As the date to the annual Women's Retreat approaches, it seems the distractions get greater and the battle a bit fiercer...and more personal. I am not the least bit surprised, because I have been there, done that before.  Anytime I have ever said yes to the Lord, the enemy counters.  That's just the way it is.

I also know it's a spiritual battle and that I do not fight flesh and blood, but principalities, powers and the rulers of darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places (Eph. 6:12).  Yet knowing all of this, I still feel like I am fighting flesh...my own and others.  I am fighting the urges to behave in ways that are not wise, nor with a perfect heart. Fight the urge to really take control and deal with things on my own power.   Then I read that sweet little question in the middle of this verse... and I am reminded that I can't fight this battle without Him.  So I have found myself running to Him a lot lately.  I find myself claiming His word more than I ever have.  I feel the power of it washing over my hurting soul.  I have found myself asking for help from Him, and to see it given in the form of  His words, and godly women who speak truth, who lift me up in prayer.

And I believe with everything in me, while I may come out with a few scars, the labor will be forgotten when I see the fruit of this testing.

Jesus, all I can say is thank you...and I love you.