Victory - Day 758

Today it happened...I got to witness a victory in my life:  Seeing my value as who God is in my life and how He made me, not in what I do!!  Let me see if I can explain this succinctly ~

For as long as I can remember, I have always judged myself by what I do, whether it be for a career, for ministry, or for others.  Now I suspect that I am not alone in this pattern of thinking, but for me it was obsessive.  Being a consummate people pleaser, virtually every action/decision I've ever made has had the following tags attached to it: "What will people think? and/or "How will I look in doing this".  That isn't always a bad thing to consider others when making choices that would affect them, but the degree to which I did this was a bit psychotic.  I wish I could say that I always thought, "What would God think of this..." but no, people have pretty much been the recipient of my concern. How I hate this about me!

Recently, I was asked to lead a situation that had all the makings of the perfect "Carla can be the savior of the day" moments. The circumstances were lined up just so perfect to really be wonderful for me...able to temporarily 'fix' (one of my personal favorite past times) a problem, could feel like I am a bit of a hero, I was qualified for the issue at hand with previous experience, plus I could see potential financial gain.  Yeah, you are probably seeing that God isn't anywhere in this by now, 'eh?  However, I did something that I would have never done in the past when such a circumstance would have surfaced...I sought counsel.  Normally, I'd have jumped on it without thinking twice! I prayed about it and asked 3 people for counsel.  These three know me well and know the Lord.  They would bring insight into the situation, being able to drill down to the issues that needed addressing.  To the person, they all cautioned me against doing it. What???? Seriously??? I couldn't ask for a more perfect "Carla" opportunity!!  Here's the rub...it wasn't a perfect God opportunity.  For reasons I don't know, the Lord simply doesn't want me doing this.  Yep, the battle has been fierce as the enemy of my soul has pulled out all the tricks to lure me into taking it...especially the appeal to my pride.  But here's the victory...saying no to this seemingly good, albeit tough, opportunity hasn't left me wanting. I am no less because I said no...in fact, I am more.  I am more pleasing to my Savior because I choose Him and His plan.  That is more than enough for me!

This reminds me of a recent post that I read by Governor Mike Huckabee when He chose not to run for President.  All of the worldly signs pointed to 'Yes'.  Even his family was on board!  Yet, this steadfast believer in Jesus Christ sought the face of his Savior and He said 'no'.  So, Gov. H declined the opportunity. People were disappointed...mightily so, with harsh words.  I remember thinking then, and posting to his blog, that I so admired his conviction and faith, and hoped that if I were ever faced with a choice that looks perfect in the world's eyes, but is a no in God's, that I will choose the right thing.  Today is that day.

Heavenly Father, thank you for loving me.  Thank you for being so intimately entwined in my life and caring about every single aspect.  Thank you for the godly, wise people I can call on for counsel. Thank you...seems so inadequate, but is said with all I am.

II Corinthians 3:5 ~ Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think any thing as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God;

Lessons from the Berry Patch

I'm excited about this raspberry adventure I am currently experiencing. As I was out picking the daily batch of ripened beauties, I started collecting the lessons of life that can be gleaned from this patch of delectable fruit.  So here they are in no particular order:

1.  Beauty often comes from the poo of life:
            Maybe I should have forewarned you that I was going to use the word "poo", but hey, let's be glad I didn't use other words that are far more descriptive and offensive to get my point across!  This berry patch literally began because a few of my feathered friends ate berries, perched on the edge of my roof, did their business, and there you go! (No pun intended)  What started as a nasty thing, ended up being a thing of beauty and enjoyment.  It's like that in my life as well...sometimes nasty, ugly, disgusting events will roll down on my life without warning.  But the Lord will take that seemingly bad issue and grow it into something that is nothing like the original.  He is just so cool that way!

2.  Perspective:
            Every time I go out to pick, I start at one end and work through all of the canes trying to ensure I get every berry.  Once I get to the end, I work my way back down the patch, catching several purple ripe orbs that were hiding from my view on the first sweep.  Often a cluster of green leaves are blocking the object of my desire. Sometimes other unripe clusters are hiding the one ripe one. Sometimes I have to step back and look at the big picture and will often see one that I missed.  So is it in life.  There are times I will think I have the whole story, only to turn around and look at it again and discover some important detail that I missed.  Or there are other times that I need to step back, look at how an event will play out in the big picture, and I will capture a detail that needs dealt with to bring it to fruition.

3.  Timing is everything:
             Anyone who knows me would probably say that I can be an impatient person.  When I first discovered the berry gold mine and they started to ripen, I'd find myself a bit greedy and would pull off a not completely 'done' one.  Boy, are they SOUR!!!  I also found that they would bring the stem with a gazillion and one tiny thorns off with it.  All because I had not waited for the process that needed to take place to finish.  Wow, sounds like a lot of times in my life when I jumped before the Lord wanted me to, when He'd cautioned me through his Word and the counsel of others, but I didn't wait...man, do those thorns hurt when trying to remove them...and the thing I didn't wait for most certainly left a bitter taste.  It also reminds me of those of us who are leaders in ministry or work, or raising a family...how often to we expect those we lead to be in a place that they just simply haven't 'ripened' to yet?  We get too busy trying to play Holy Spirit that we impede the process.  Sometimes, we just need to S-L-O-W down a bit and quit trying to lead the Lord...and if you feel a finger pointing at you, please know that I am preaching to myself on this one!

4.  Thorns are a price we have to pay for the good stuff:
             I am getting a bit adept at negotiating the random thorns on the canes, but as I said before, the tiny sharp barbs that surround the berries can be plentiful and painful! As the cane grows, the thorns become fewer and far between because the cane is dying as it sends the needed nutrients to the fruit which is surrounded by them.  My, how that certainly mirrors life!  You see, it is often with the best fruits that the most pain comes.  For me, that's always relationships.  Those that live the closest to my heart can inflict the sharpest pain to my soul.  Now, I can choose to wall them off, not send nutrients to them and the thorns will lessen.  But, there are no good fruits to delight in.  The Lord has worked me over on this one repeatedly.  Simply put, I have to risk the barbs to have the amazing fruit of love and relationship.  While I've learned to be more discerning over the years, I still fall back on bad patterns at times and sadly, some of you have been victim to that.  But, Jesus is so faithful and cares too much about me to  let me live there!  It is most certainly worth the risk!!

5.  Watch where you walk:
          If you've read any of my fb posts, you know that I have snakes that like to live in my yard.  They have particularly liked hanging around the shade on the south side of the house where the patch is located.  As I was picking one day, I looked down in time to see one of the slithering creatures before I stepped on it! UGH.  Now I peruse the area before stepping in, both in the berry patch and in activities of life.

6.  The Lord provides:


I love this adventure, as random and silly as it may seem.  Every time I am in the patch, I thank the Lord for the raspberries and His preeminence in my life.

Day 776!

792

For day #792, I have scheduled my Miller Analogy Test for Grad School.  I have been putting this last piece of the puzzle off for some time.  I am not sure why... negative opinions from others as to this calling/my abilities/the wisdom of it all.  I recently have completed some 'soul searching' work for a Bible Institute class that has one conclusion screaming at me...I want the rest of my life reflecting what I have always known deep down was the call on my life...helping others.  It's hard to explain, but it's almost like breathing for me.  I get no greater pleasure than being part of someones growth. So to start, I have to have the tools necessary to get to that place.  Funny thing...Jesus has been telling me all along that this is where He wants me and I've not heeded His guiding.  No wonder I've been miserable to a degree.

One other nugget for today...I recently challenged a friend to spend this week looking for ways the Lord has pursued her heart.  We commented how easy it can be to get caught up in the pursuit of a man and how tough it can be to appreciate that same pursuit from our Savior.  This morning He pursued me into a time of sweet, sweet prayer in such a cool God-Carla way.  You see, He knows how much I love His creation...especially animals.  I love to watch birds, butterflies, and I can even appreciate nasty snakes as a fascinating creature. Of course, Coco is nothing but a gift from Jesus to me!  After sleeping through a monstrous thunder/lightning storm last night, I was quietly awakened by the most amazing song bird sitting in the tree right outside of my bedroom this morning. It put a smile on my face instantly and started a wonderful time of thanking Him for all He does for me.  The Lord used that beautiful melody to draw my heart to His. All I can say is amazing love!

Time is Ticking....

793....26.04.....2.17....that's the break down for how many days, months, years until I turn 50.  In that span of time(if the Lord allows), I will have been on the earth for half of a century.  That sounds ancient.  However, I don't feel ancient.  Yeah, there are days that my body may ache a bit more than others...heck, it did that at 20!  There are times I just don't understand the latest fad, craze, technological advancement....but I didn't always pick up on/care about the latest trendy stuff when I was 25 years younger.  You see, I don't see aging as the enemy.  I see it as a blessing.  While I don't always like the effects aging can have, there are some definite perks.  I am abundantly wiser now than I was then.  It only takes a quick call to my Mom to verify that I thought I knew EVERYTHING when I was in my twenties.  It took a few knocks from life to show me I didn't know jack.  I am now wise enough to know that there is a lot I don't know.  Another blessing...I don't care about a lot of useless worldly garbage that I used to care about.  Shopping, material things, career, travel, politics, etc. have certainly lost their appeal as I have aged. As I explained to a pal of mine, it's just more junk to have to take care of!  While this 'stuff' has lost it's appeal, people have become more and more important to me.  Oh, I am not talking of having a gazillion Facebook 'friends'...but rather having a selection of really great people in my life that take it to a whole new level. It's been refreshing to travel, not necessarily for the location, but because of the people involved in the trip.  It's fun to have a home that people consider retreat-like because it blesses the souls of others.  I enjoy shopping so much more when I can treat someone instead of dragging more 'stuff' into my house.  Why do I bring this all up?

Well, I've decided to take the next 793 days/26.04 months/2.17 years to make some changes.  Most will be small and of significance to only me, some will be appreciated and noticed by most, and a few may be truly life changing.  Yep, think I am going to embrace this aging thing...stay tuned.

The Unsettling ~ Part II

What a whirlwind the past 3 days have been.  Much has happened and here are a few highlights that I want to remember....

1.  There are some amazingly generous people in this world.
               I've listened to story upon story of people giving to the effort to see that these people get back on their feet....and getting introduced to Jesus.  People have donated money to local churches in Joplin that are feeding hundreds of volunteers every day, people have donated to various service organizations, people have went there to help others remove debris and sift through their belongings to help put their lives back together.  People have prayed and shared Jesus's amazing grace and salvation with those needing something to hold tight to because they discovered the truth...there is NO security in this world.  Locally, I have seen people go and help, organize supply drives to get stuff to the front line, and pray, pray, pray for those suffering the after effects.  Personally, I have to thank the following for giving because they bolstered my faith and we got to share in the blessing: Sherri Ault, Sue Hiscocks, Diane Nelson, Molly Joseph, Bonnie Cozadd, Kelli Ewing, Bill and Caroline Ault, Kim Anderson, Tammy and Frank Parrish...through your generosity, this small band of people sent over $500 worth of much needed supplies.  You people rock!

2.  I don't always understand God's plans, but I trust His leading.
            This has been a difficult one for me this past week.  I really, really wanted to go there.  But He said no.  I don't know why, but He did so I stayed in Monmouth.  I am starting to wonder about a few reasons, but have decided that I don't need to know.  He said no, and that settles the matter for me.

3.  My heart can still break for the hurting.
            Yup, I was becoming a bit too course and hard hearted towards the suffering of others.  I hated it, but I was more than a bit jaded.  It seems I've been witnessing a lot of drama, hurt, and pain that just seemed unnecessary and pointless because it was caused largely by poor choices.  I was becoming so utterly ticked off (that's putting it mildly!!!) at what seemed like an epidemic.  As stated in my previous blog, my heart was wonderfully broken for those hurting so deeply through this tragedy.  I still find my self weeping when sharing one of those stories.  I still pray for those working in that hospital that was completely demolished.  I know all too well how much those nurses, social workers, CNAs, administration, housekeeping, maintenance, dietary, doctors, etc. that worked there care about the people they took care of and can only begin to imagine how horrifying that whole situation must have been.  Yet, they didn't have a moment to process it all because they then had to get those ill folks to another place to get them the immediate care many needed.  Some died because of power outages.  I pray for those courageous care givers.

4.  What a wonderful feeling to help someone who will never know me.
                  A dear friend said I inspired him through this.  While I appreciate such a sweet comment, I really did nothing extraordinary.  My sister, Kelli, said a most profoundly true statement as we were organizing the goods.  She said, "Ya know, it's cool to know that my hands are putting together stuff that will touch hands of people who really, really need it."  So true.  I still believe there is so much more that can be done, and I will continue to pray as to how He wants me to proceed.  I want this to be about the help THEY need and that the truth that only Christ brings the security needed.

5.  There is just no going back to life as usual....

The Unsettling

I've been in a funk of sorts for the past four weeks.  No drastic event or situation has seemingly caused it...just a 'whatever' attitude.  It's during these times that I tend to become more introspective as I try to figure out why I 'feel' the way I do. While I work diligently to not allow any feeling to run rampant in my life, I do wholeheartedly believe that the Lord gave them to me as an indicator of needed change.  Much like pain of the physical body allows me to know something isn't quite right, an unsettling feeling is an equal indicator that something isn't well with my soul.  The answer to my introspective pondering came in two phases...the first was the still quiet voice of my Best Friend speaking to my heart and the second was the shrieks of devastation.

The Still Quiet Voice revealed something that I've suspected for awhile but tried to push from my mind.  I am becoming spiritually overweight.  I have had the amazing privilege of sitting under wonderful teachers through the years, listening to amazing sermons from world famous bible teachers, reading astounding written works by biblical scholars, and learning to study the Bible on my own.  All wonderful, wonderful things...but what am I truly doing with it to make a difference in eternity?  The lamenting of Solomon comes to mind when he says in Ecclesiastes that it's all vanity.  That is how I feel.  All of this 'learning' is not changing eternity if men are not being reached with it.  Then I read Eccl. 12:13 - ^"Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man."  If this learning doesn't make me understand fearing God at a deeper level or help me to keep His commands (let's try just one...loving others is a great start!), then I must seriously question my motives in doing so. Yes, I have been 'doing ministry', but not really reaching those who need it most - the hurting and lost  As I've been mulling this one over, the second phase hit me from seemingly no where...the devastation in Joplin this past week.

I am not exactly understanding why this particular horrific event has broken me like it has, other than the Lord is using whatever He wills to mold me, change me, and get me out of complacency and into action.  A friend, Pastor Jim Bennett, took the leading of the Holy Spirit and headed to Joplin to help after an F5 tornado devastated that community this past weekend.  I have been following His entries on Facebook, as well as having discussion with his wife, Missy, about all the needs there.  As a small bubbling up began in my soul, I found myself volunteering to drive to Missouri this weekend with any items we could fit into my car to take to those who are hurting and in need.  It didn't take much time for that bubbling to rush into full geyser mode as I, after months of complacent, dutiful service, felt a passion arise to be Jesus with skin on to hurting people.  I just want to help...somehow.  Then, this morning, I listened to Jim's interview on WDLM.  I just 'happened' to catch it (yeah, and God didn't have ANYTHING to do with that?!!!  Whatever!).  As his voice cracked when recounting an encounter with a woman who has lost her 3 year old daughter, my heart with all of it's religious crustiness, shattered into a million pieces.  Through a torrent of tears, I begged God to send me.  I HAVE to go.  I don't have a clue what I am to do...maybe it's to deliver much needed supplies in person, maybe it's to gather supplies and take them to a drop off site to be taken down there, maybe it's to go help people search for their belongings in the rubble, maybe it's to deliver a hug to someone who needs it, it is certainly to continue to pray for them.  I don't know the answers, but He does.  So I pray and wait for word this afternoon as to my next step...    

All I do know is that I am tired of my apathy.  I am tired of doing this walk the same old way, getting the same old tired results. I am tired of waiting on some 'supernatural' call to do something when He is simply asking me to care about those in my midst, here today.  I  am tired of wasting time.

James 1:22
But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

Thoughts on singleness, marriage and The Royal Wedding...

"I am not married yet because I haven't met a man who is ready to be as happy as I can make him!"


The above little jewel makes me smile every time I read it.  It was "given" to me by my friend Matthew one evening when he, his wife Rachel and I were talking about ministry, marriage and singleness.  I laughed when he told me I need to start using it when people ask why I am not married yet. Being a life long single, I have been asked that question more times than I could possibly recount.  So, in an effort to entertain some and school others, let me address a few myths about being single....


1. MYTH: There is an answer to the question "Why aren't you married yet?" 
                   Just got to love the 'yet' that is attached to it...like I am in a race to cross some imaginary marriage finish line. I can remember when I graduated from college, this became THE question.  I am serious when I tell you that there was a man in my church at the time that would turn around EVERY week and ask me if I'd met anyone since last Sunday or was I planning to get married soon.  Now, I am sure he meant well, but really, every week? Or the pastor who would inquire on a monthly basis as to the progress I was making in finding a husband. My answer to this question has changed over the years, sometimes with a snarky retort, sometimes with a thought filled response, sometimes with a shrug of the shoulders.


FACT: The truth.... I don't know why I am not married....and you know what? It's okay if I don't know.


2.   MYTH:  One is more lonely being single than being married.
                 We seem to have drunk the Kool-aid that being married solves the loneliness issue.  Uh, that is so not true...trust me, I see and hear the disbelief from women (and some men) that their marriage isn't the solution to loneliness on a regular basis.  Loneliness can happen in the best of marriages, biggest of families, or in a single person's life. I've witnessed some people more lonely in a marriage than I have ever been as a single woman, and I think to myself that this would be an awful way to live and take that very moment and thank Jesus for my singleness!


FACT:  Marriage isn't necessarily the cure for loneliness.... a tight relationship with Jesus and good relationships with those He has placed in our lives is the cure.


3.  MYTH:  You must have the 'gift' of singleness.
                  Uh, nope.  Would I like to get married? Sometimes no, sometimes yes. I do not  believe for me that God has gifted me to be single, but that being said, I do want to be content in what ever season of life I find myself.  I have gotten caught up in the 'grass is greener' nonsense thinking (thankfully, it only stayed in the thinking phase!) of believing that marrying just any guy who is a Christian would work, but have learned to water my own lawn, and that mindset has given me a spectacular life!


FACT:  A wise single knows that the season of singleness is a period of time that God calls us to serve Him in a unique way that many marrieds cannot. It is also a great time to prepare the fields for the time when marriage may be a step in my life and to practice contentedness.  Let's face it...the grass often looks greener to marrieds as well.....just sayin'.   




4.  MYTH:  You are too picky...think I will let the following answer that nonsense...




As I was getting ready for class last Friday, I was up early enough to catch some of the "Royal" wedding that morning.  What a beautiful ceremony full of pomp and circumstance! I can only imagine the hours spent planning every detail.  In the midst of this ceremony, the Bishop of London gave a short message and two sentences he spoke caught my attention immediately: "As the reality of God has faded from so many lives in the West, there has been a corresponding inflation of expectations that personal relations alone will supply meaning and happiness in life. This is to load our partner with too great a burden."


Boy, did he get it right!



I've had many an opportunity in my life to either be part of a relationship or watch others be involved in their relationships to know that he is completely correct in his assessment of the way we have placed an expectation upon another person that only the Lord can fulfill.  So many times, we expect that strong man or beautiful woman to be the complete answer to all of our needs. What an unfair burden to place on another human being.






On an end note, marriage is God's plan for many and it is a most beautiful thing. He tells us that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord (Prov. 18:22).  However, it is never the complete answer to everything - only Jesus can be!